Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

Have you ever felt like your emotions were out of control?

One of the most frustrating experiences in life is when your emotions feel out of control and you’re not sure why. It can make you feel disconnected from yourself and unsure of how to feel better. One way to understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is to understand the window of tolerance model, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This model helps explain the different zones of functioning we all experience, and how we can work to more effectively regulate our emotions. 

Why do my emotions feel out of control? 

It can be scary or frustrating when your emotions don’t seem to match up with what’s happening in real life. This can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes, people have a tough time regulating their emotions or connecting with them at all. It can be scary to feel intense emotions, 

Sometimes, we have an intense reaction to something and it’s not always clear why. 

It can be hard to remain grounded in the present moment when you’ve experienced trauma. Traumatic memories can be brought on by seemingly harmless triggers, and research shows that our brains don’t know the difference between something happening in the present and recalling a traumatic memory. Even if you rationally know that your trauma is not happening in the present, your brain can’t tell the difference, which can cause extraordinary distress. 

One way to help understand what’s happening when your emotions feel out of control is through the window of tolerance model. 

We all have ranges, or windows, of what we’re able to tolerate psychologically. In some states of mind, we’re better able to cope and regulate our emotions than others. 

The window where you are able to regulate your emotions and stay grounded in the present is called your window of tolerance. In this zone, you experience a balance of hyperarousal and hypoarousal. You’re right in the sweet spot where you’re able to react rationally, regulate your emotions, and cope with what’s going on. If you’ve heard of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses, that may help you visualize what happens in the different states of arousal. 

Visualizing your window of tolerance

Imagine a thermometer. One of the old school kinds, with a mercury reservoir at the bottom. This thermometer represents  our ability to regulate our emotions.  At the top, we have hyperarousal, in the middle is your window of tolerance, and down at the bottom is hypoarousal. 

What does it feel like outside my window of tolerance?

Hyperarousal is a state where anxiety, racing thoughts, panic, or hypervigilance have taken over. Hyperarousal is also known as the fight or flight response, where our nervous systems give us a boost of energy to flee or fight in the face of a threat. It used to come in really handy when we were hunter-gatherers, but in modern times it can cause a lot of distress. 

Hypoarousal, on the other hand, is a state of numbness, dissociation, and disconnection. You may know it as the “freeze” response, which causes you to surrender or shut down. This response is also automatic, from our nervous system when we face a threat of some kind. When you’re in this state, you might feel numb, zoned out, or depressed. You might experience dissociation or feel like you’re not present in your own body. 

What does it feel like in my window of tolerance? 

The middle section is the window of tolerance - the state where we’re better able to cope. When we’re in our window of tolerance, it’s easier for us to process intense emotional situations. You’re more easily able to access your rational side, which can help with emotional processing and decision making. When you’re in your window of tolerance, you feel calm, alert, relaxed and capable of handling what comes your way. You feel more capable of engaging with others socially or making decisions. You feel at ease instead of on edge, and energized instead of drained. 

Moving toward your window of tolerance

Once you recognize that you’re outside of your window of tolerance, you can start taking steps to move toward that more regulated state of mind. If you’re hypoaroused, there are things you can do to increase your state of arousal so you move away from the feelings of numbness and toward feeling like yourself again. The same is true if you’re hyperaroused - there are coping skills you can use to decrease your level of arousal so you feel less panicked and out of control. 

Learning how to regulate your emotions can take practice. Working with a therapist can help you take a look at your emotional responses and figure out new ways to cope that better support you and your mental health. Get in touch with our office today to get started working with an expert therapist. 

How to Make the Most of Your Time Between Sessions

Therapy can be a powerfully transformative process and an integral part of our support system, but going to therapy isn’t where the work starts and ends. In session, you’re able to do deep emotional work and get tools to help support you while you’re out of session, but that out of session work is just as important as what you do while you’re there with your therapist! 

It’s in that time outside of your usual session that you get to see how you’re able to apply the tools you’re developing with your therapist, how well you’re able to navigate obstacles, and how your progress looks out in your daily life! 

So how can you make the most out of the time between your therapy sessions?

Well first, remember it will be different for everyone. What helps you and your healing might not help someone else. And, what helps you one day may not be helpful the next. It’s important to not just get in a routine so you’re checking things off of your “mental health to do” list, but actually engage with how you’re feeling after your session and during the time between in order to do the most impactful work! 

For example,  some sessions may be helping you connect patterns to better understand your behavior or work to prepare for big changes in your life.  After those types of sessions, you might be ready to take some risks and push your boundaries. That can be a good way to take intentional steps forward with your progress! Other sessions may be heavier than, they may feel like you slow way down and dive deep into just one thing. After those sessions, taking big steps would probably be taking on too much too soon. You need time for reflection and emotional processing, too, so there are other things you can do between those types of sessions. 

Here are a few ideas of what you can do to make the most of your time between therapy sessions: 

Journal + Reflect: 

What did you talk about in the session? How did you feel while you were talking about it? Were you uncomfortable? Did you hold anything back? Write about all of these things, write about what you chose not to talk about and why, what your therapist helped you understand, what you wish you had time to talk about, how you think you’ll see your newfound insights show up throughout the week, etc. This can be a good practice to do just after the session so you can reflect, and then keep notes on things you notice throughout the week to bring back to your next session. 

Take one small risk: 

Or take one action that supports what you and your therapist were talking about in session. Is there a conversation you’ve been dreading? Can you initiate it? Is there something new you’ve wanted to try but haven’t? Think about what’s been coming up over and over in session, and see if you can come up with a small action to support it. 

Be proud of yourself: 

Keep a running list of things you notice between sessions that you handle well, that you’re proud of yourself for, etc. What came up this week that showed you how far you’ve come? When did you wish you had more support? 

Let yourself be present: 

While self reflection is good, and doing it between sessions is important so you can continue to see the work you’ve done in therapy show up in your day to day life, you don’t want to get so caught up in your own head that you’re unable to be present. Too much self-analyzing isn’t helpful! It’s also important to just let yourself be present in your life. While your healing is important, part of that is allowing you to exist without doing any work to “earn” it. Let yourself enjoy your day and see a friend without putting every action under a microscope. 

Are you looking for more ways to support yourself both in and out of session? Working with us can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

Are you someone who likes to improve yourself?

We all like to think that we’re the best versions of ourselves. Life is full of lessons, and as humans we’re always learning and changing. What was important to you 6 years ago is probably different from what was important to you 6 months ago. Our values shift, we gain more experiences in the world, and we learn more about ourselves along the way. Change happens naturally, but there are also times when people actively seek out changes in their lives in a self-development practice.

Life would be pretty boring if everything stayed the same forever. Wanting to work on self-development or improve yourself doesn’t mean that you’re not happy with where your life is right now. Sometimes that’s the case for people, but often people decide to work on themselves because they love and value who they are and want the best for themselves. 

When going down the road of self-development, it can be tempting to compare yourself to everyone else.

There’s always going to be someone who seems like they’re doing everything better than you - work, family, friends, romance, hobbies. Remember that what you’re seeing is the highlight reel. Most people hide the tricky parts of life on social media, so everything looks super easy and simple. Real life is complicated, and it’s okay. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else, even when you’re working on self-development. 

To help you avoid the comparison trap, try to keep in mind why you’re working on self-development. What is your goal? Working on yourself can help you:

• Learn new things

• Have new experiences

• Meet new people

• Live out your values

• Break bad habits

• Change the way you relate to people

• Work on regulating your emotions

Wanting to improve doesn’t mean you didn’t like who you were before. It can mean that you want to give yourself new experiences, you believe in your abilities, or even that someone inspired you to do things differently. Whatever your reasons, There are some simple steps you can take to start a self-development practice. 

Here are 5 suggestions for how you can start a self-development practice for yourself: 

Read as much as you can

Making time for reading can be a tall order these days, but reading is a major way to learn new things. With reading, you can experience different points of view, explore new concepts, and give your brain something to do besides endless scrolling. Whether you like to read books, magazines, newspapers, ereaders, articles, or something else, there’s something out there for you. When you spend more time reading, you also have less time to spend on things like social media or a Netflix binge. 

Be accountable for harm you cause

We all cause harm. We all make mistakes. That’s a part of life! We don’t all learn how to be accountable for the harm we cause, though. It’s tough to admit to yourself that you hurt someone or caused harm somewhere. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t help anyone, though. 

When a situation comes up where you don’t react the way you want to, own up to it. Apologize if you need to. Make a plan for how you’re going to prevent it from happening again. It’s hard to do this, but it gets easier with practice. It also gets easier when you remind yourself that even when you cause harm, you are still worthy, valuable, and lovable as a person. Doing harm isn’t great, but it doesn’t negate everything else that you are either. We all cause harm at some point or another, so try to lead with compassion, even for yourself. 

Practice self-soothing

Lots of us don’t learn how to make ourselves feel better in effective ways until fairly late in life. We all have moments where we’re in distress, but in those moments it is tough to know what will actually make us feel better. Teaching yourself how to self-soothe is a skill that will pay off over and over. 

There are tons of ways to self-soothe. Some people find movement really soothing. Others like to practice grounding techniques or use DBT skills to manage distress. Therapy can help teach you different ways to cope when you’re feeling distressed which you can then take with you into your everyday life and use as needed. 

Make time for rest

We all need to rest, and we often don’t make time for it until we’re totally burned out. Sleep makes a huge difference, but sleep isn’t the only type of rest there is. Taking time where you’er truly not doing anything is just as important as getting enough sleep. When you’re not getting enough sleep, your body and brain don’t have the chance to repair themselves and process things. When you don't’ make enough time for rest, you set yourself up for burnout and stress.

Practice self reflection

Part of improving yourself is being honest with yourself when things aren’t working. If there are habits or patterns that are no longer working for you, it can be hard to admit that you need to make a change. However, remaining in denial just means that you’re going to be stuck in the same patterns. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that things aren’t exactly how you want them to be right now. This can also give you a chance to explore 

Are you looking for more ways to improve yourself? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

7 Ways to Spend Your Time for Better Mental Health

How do you normally spend your time?

How we spend our time can be a huge contributor to our health, both mental and physical. It’s important to spend our time in ways that nourish and take care of ourselves (both in our body and in our mind) as well as provide balance so we’re not just treating ourselves like machines who don’t need variation. 

One method of doing this is called the Healthy Mind Platter, and it was created by Dr. Dan Siegel. In this framework, Dr. Siegel provides seven uses of our time as different portions on a platter, similar to the food pyramid guiding us on recommended dietary nutrition. According to Dr. Siegal, these seven uses of our time are the best ways to tend to our mental health and well being. 

These seven uses of our time are: 

• Sleep time

• Physical time

• Focus time

• Time in 

• Down time

• Play Time 

• Concentrating time

Not all seven have to be part of your routine every single day, in fact humans need variation. But having a regular balance of these seven types of time in general helps to optimize your brain function and contribute to your overall well being. 

So what does each type of these seven “times” consist of? Let’s break it down! 

Sleep time: 

This one is pretty obvious. This is when you sleep! But just because it feels obvious doesn’t actually mean it’s second nature to us. Many of us don’t have proper sleep hygiene, and we don’t even realize how much that can affect our day to day lives! But our health, our mood, our cognitive abilities and our energy levels. So being mindful about when you’re going to sleep, the environment you’re sleeping in, your physical comfort while you’re sleeping, etc. are all important considerations! 

Physical time: 

Do you know what the mind body connection is? There are many links between our mental health and our physical health–so when we tend to one, we often inadvertently tend to the other. That means finding joyful ways to engage yourself physically is so crucial to mental health! And it doesn’t have to be exercise how we often think of it, anything that gets you moving and present in your body counts. That could be gardening, playing with a pet, going dancing. There are ways to find joy in moving your body without it being an emotional burden! 

Focus time: 

This is when we commit to a task that requires focus, problem solving or is goal oriented in some way. Many of us naturally have this worked into our schedules with our work, but it doesn’t have to be work! You could do a puzzle, sudoku, or even something like go to an escape room!

Time in: 

This is reflection time. Time you take for yourself to consider yourself, any problems you’re facing, your values, current actions, etc. It could be through therapy, journaling, or some other type of self expressive art, as long as the purpose is to dive in and explore what you’re thinking and feeling. 

Down time: 

Down time is another one that is just what it sounds like–time for relaxing and resting! This is when you give your mind and body a real break. This would be any sort of “mindless” hobby like watching TV you’ve seen before, painting your nails, sitting and listening to music, etc. You’re enjoying your time but you aren’t required to do anything other than give your brain a break! 

Play time: 

Yes, adults need play time too! Having time designated to being creative and playful is key for keeping our brains active and strong, even beyond childhood. This can be any sort of hobby you have where you get to be creative, silly, and are free from the expectation to be productive in any way. 

Connecting Time

Connecting time is ideally spent in person with someone else, but that isn’t the only way you can connect to others. And, as we’re living through a pandemic it’s not always possible to see everyone you want to see in person. So, make time for in person connections when you can (meeting a friend for lunch, inviting family to your house, taking a class with someone, etc.) but allow yourself to get creative about other ways to connect too. Can you write a friend a letter and become pen pals? Can you schedule a regular phone call with friends who live far away? 

Do you need help figuring out how your routine can better support your mental health? We can help! Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

6 Things to Do When You Make a Mistake

6 Things to Do When You Make a Mistake

There’s an old saying that the only things that are certain in life are death and taxes, but there are few more things we could add to that list. Making a mistake, for example, is something that everyone has to deal with, often many times. We’re human, and we’re learning as we go, and sometimes that means that things don’t always turn out the way we want them to. Mistakes are a part of life, and they can actually be a powerful teaching tool if you allow them to be. 

Part of why making a mistake is so hard is that they’re humbling. It can be hard to admit that you didn’t do something right.  For many people, the first response to hearing they made a mistake is a feeling of shame or guilt. Some people feel defensive when they realize they’ve made a mistake. Even when someone’s reaction is frustrating or not what you want it to be, try to imagine where they’re coming from. It’s painful to admit that you’re wrong. It can be embarrassing or make you question yourself. 

Remember, literally no one is perfect.

Everyone has done something that they’re not proud of or that they’d do differently if they had a chance. If you feel an intense wave of self loathing when you make mistakes, you might be dealing with some perfectionistic tendencies. While being perfect sounds fine on the surface, in reality it’s impossible, so expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for failure. Instead of setting yourself up to fail, remember that you’re human. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Even when that happens, you’re going to be okay. Mistakes don’t need to define you, especially when you use them as a learning opportunity. 

Mistakes are going to happen, so having a plan in place for what you’ll do when you make a mistake can help guide you through those painful moments. If you’ve made a mistake, here are 6 things you can do:

Own it

Denying what happened isn’t doing anyone any good. Nothing can be done about a situation until the situation is acknowledged, so the sooner you own up to the mistake the sooner you can make it right. Owning your mistake also allows you to take back some of your power. It can make you feel useless when you mess up, but deciding to own it can be empowering. Yes, you messed up. It’s okay for that to be true. It doesn’t make you a bad person to make a mistake. Once you realize that, it will feel easier to own up to mistakes in the future.  

Remember mistakes don't define you

As mentioned before, you aren’t a bad person when you make a mistake. We are all complicated, and seeing things in black and white is a cognitive distortion - or a pattern of thinking that isn’t true. If you find yourself feeling like making a mistake means you’re a bad person, try to notice and interrogate that assumption. Is that true? Or do you just feel bad or embarrassed? Feeling bad and being bad are two different things. Mistakes don’t define you, but the way you respond when you make a mistake is something that people will remember. Don’t get so caught up in feeling defined by your mistake that you react with defensiveness. 

Find ways to learn from it

There’s always something to learn from a mistake. Sometimes, it’s as simple as “Don’t do that again.” Mistakes teach us resilience and responsibility. They also reveal a lot about us in our response. What are you tempted to do in the wake of a mistake? Would that actually be helpful, or would that make things worse? Whenever something happens that’s a mistake, there’s a lesson to find. 

Listen to feedback from others without defensiveness

It can be hard to listen to someone explain that you hurt them or that you did something wrong. However, keep in mind that mistakes don’t make you bad. When you know that a mistake isn't something that changes your worth as a person, it will be easier to listen to feedback from others. It can be really intimidating to confront someone on a way that they hurt you or let you down. When someone has the courage to talk to you about something like that, practice active listening. Don’t listen to respond or defend yourself. Reflect on what they shared and how your actions made them feel. Listen for what they’re asking for from you. 

If you find yourself getting defensive at first, that’s pretty human. No one likes to be told that they did something wrong. However, you don’t have to stay in defensive mode when someone is giving you feedback. You can choose to move past defensiveness into listening. 

Challenge negative self-talk

It can be easy to dwell on negative thoughts like making mistakes. It can reinforce negative beliefs that you have about yourself, and it can be hard to notice when you’re talking to yourself in a negative way. When you do notice those critical, negative thoughts coming up about yourself, do what you can to challenge them. Are they true? Is it helpful to focus on them? How can you shift your inner dialogue to one that’s more compassionate toward yourself? 

Practice self-compassion

Above all, be nice to yourself. Life is already hard enough without being a jerk to yourself on top of it. If it’s too hard to be nice to yourself, pretend you’re talking to your best friend or a younger version of yourself. It’s pretty hard to be mean to someone you love and care about for something as human as making a mistake. Extend that compassion to yourself! 

Are you struggling with how to respond to a mistake? Working with a therapist can help you gain insight into why this may be difficult for you and give you suggestions for how to move forward into patterns that are more supportive in the future. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

Emotional Exhaustion: What Is It & What Can You Do About It?

First, what is emotional exhaustion?

Emotional exhaustion is pretty much just what it sounds like. It happens often in periods of prolonged or intense stress, and in general makes you feel an inescapable sense of fatigue. Because it’s an emotional or mental exhaustion, it’s not the kind of tiredness that will go away with a nap. And it’s tricky because it’s the kind of thing that can sneak up on you–you might not realize you’ve been in the midst of a long period of intense stress until you’re already overwhelmed. 

When you hit that point of emotional exhaustion, it doesn’t just impact your energy level or mood. It also can impact things like your relationships, your ability to engage in your hobbies, your professional performance, your patience level, your self esteem, and even your problem solving skills. 

When you’re emotionally exhausted, pretty much every area of your life is impacted. Some mental symptoms you may experience can include: 

• Cognitive difficulties: You’re not able to think as quickly, problem solve as effectively, and your imagination, concentration and memory all suffer. 

• Mood unpredictability: Emotional exhaustion means you’re not able to regulate your own emotions or self soothe as well as when you have rest and balance in your life. That means small things which normally might not upset you may now send you over the edge, causing big changes in mood or a sense that you can’t control your feelings. 

• Relational problems: Emotional exhaustion can also impact your ability to have patience, to be an active listener, your enthusiasm for your social life and relationships, and your strength in connecting with others. Overall, your social energy is extremely depleted. 

But that’s not the only way we can recognize emotional exhaustion! It also shows up in our bodies. Some physical symptoms of emotional exhaustion you may experience can be: 

• Trouble sleeping: periods of intense stress often cause sleeping difficulties. Emotional exhaustion also frequently is felt alongside a feeling of “brain fog” which can make getting out of bed in the morning difficult, which helps create an irregular sleeping pattern, and still often leaves you feeling unrested.

• Trouble eating: Emotional exhaustion can cause digestive issues, as well as big changes in appetite. The two combined and the impact they have on your body can also lead to weight loss, another physical symptom of emotional exhaustion. 

• Frequent aches: Whether by headaches, stomach pains, muscle aches, etc. frequent aches and pains can be a sign that you are not getting the physical or emotional rest you need. 

Can you prevent emotional exhaustion?

Preventing emotional exhaustion is all about balance and boundaries. Some common things that can lead to the intense stress that sets off emotional exhaustion are things like: 

• A demanding work environment

• Poor work/life balance

• Lack of self care

• Lack of personal resources (money, food, support) 

• Perfectionism 

• An unexpected life event

• Living with a chronic illness

While some things that cause emotional exhaustion are out of our control–like our access to resources, living with a chronic illness, unexpected life events or the demands of our workplace–there are some ways we can work to prevent emotional exhaustion before it happens. 

Finding where you can enforce firmer boundaries is the first step.

What is it that’s getting you exhausted? What’s overwhelming you? When are you noticing these symptoms come up? Are there people you could turn to for support? 

The next step would be finding things that help to rejuvenate you.

You need both relaxation as well as revitalizing rest. That means take time to do nothing so you can get a break from the pressure, and find ways to fill your time with things that bring you joy to help balance out any emotional drain you may be feeling from other areas of your life. 

Establishing routines that help you keep your time balanced, and seeking the support of a mental health professional can also help you to find ways to cope with emotional exhaustion when it happens, as well as to take proactive steps to avoid it. 

If you need support coping with emotional exhaustion, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

5 Ways to Deal With Being Ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? 

If you have, you know that it’s a uniquely painful experience. Ghosting is when someone you are in a relationship with disappears from your usual methods of contact suddenly. We hear a lot about ghosting in a dating context, because it’s become more and more popular in the era of dating apps, but friendships can end with ghosting too. It tends to happen in newer relationships, but it can also happen in more established ones. The aftermath of being ghosted can be a lot to deal with. 

Ghosting is painful for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to go from having some type of relationship with someone to silence with no warning or word as to why. It can be a big hit to your self-esteem to suddenly lose a relationship. It’s upsetting to think that you cared about someone more than they cared about you. Ghosting can also trigger abandonment trauma or fears of rejection. You might worry that no one will ever stick around in the future. 

Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, whether we realize it or not. There’s even a name for that critical voice in your head that reinforces those mean thoughts: the inner critic. This inner critic might tell you that you’re not loveable or not good enough. Being ghosted can reinforce those beliefs, even though they’re false. 

Ghosting is also painful because it removes any sense of closure. You might always wonder what actually happened or what would have happened if things went differently. While any relationship ending is painful, in most breakup situations, it’s clear to both sides what is going on. Ghosting removes that, so one person is left completely in the dark. 

Why do people ghost?

People’s reasons for ghosting may vary. Some people use it as a method of conflict avoidance, or out of fear. They may be afraid to have a serious conversation, afraid of the other person’s reaction, or even afraid of the unknown. Some people ghost out of a sense of self-preservation when a relationship is struggling. While it’s much better to be honest and communicate, some people might feel like going no contact is their only option. 

When people feel uncomfortable feelings, they can react in a number of ways. One way that some people react to uncomfortable emotions is by ghosting. This doesn’t excuse it, but it might give you some insight as to what is going on. 

Being ghosted feels terrible, no matter how it happens. If it’s happened to you, here are 5 ways to cope: 

Give yourself compassion

It can feel embarrassing to be ghosted, or you might feel like you did something wrong. Remember that you always deserve to be treated with respect, and give yourself lots of compassion. How would you talk to a friend in your situation? You’d probably remind them of how amazing they are, how much they have to offer, and how messed up it is that someone would treat them this way. Even if you have to pretend your friend is saying it to you, send that message of love, acceptance, and compassion to yourself. 

Don’t blame yourself

Ghosting isn’t about you. Being rejected this way feels intensely personal, but it’s often more about the person doing the ghosting and how they deal with things. You deserve to be treated with respect, and ghosting is as disrespectful as it gets. Even though it might be hard to wrap your head around it at first, anyone who deals with things by ghosting isn’t worth your time and energy anyway. 

Expose shame

Shame is really tricky to deal with. It often feels impossible to talk about, so it can be isolating. Ghosting in particular can cause shame. It feels bad to be rejected, and to make sense of it your brain might tell you that you did something to cause it. Remember though, that it’s not about you. Shame becomes less powerful when it’s shared, though. We all have things that trigger shame. Sharing about your shame with someone who is close to you can help you see how mean you’re being to yourself. 

Check your negative thoughts 

When you find yourself having distressing negative thoughts about yourself, try to check them. Are these thoughts facts, or are you dealing with cognitive distortions? Is this something that is true, or is this a story you have told yourself? Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren’t true, but that we grow to believe. When you notice them popping up, do what you can to challenge those thoughts.

Don’t reach out

Even though you wish things had gone differently, the person who ghosted you has made it clear that they aren’t interested in talking. It can feel tempting to try to look for them elsewhere on the internet, but try to resist that urge. Instead of dwelling on the person who ghosted, do your best to shift your thoughts away from them. This is where a mindfulness practice can come in handy. Mindfulness will help you practice noticing your thoughts and shifting your awareness. 

Being ghosted is painful. If you’re dealing with the aftermath of ghosting, talking with a therapist can help you work through the distress you’re feeling and find ways to cope that are specific to your needs. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

Gentle Movement Tips for A Healthier Relationship with Exercise

Having a regular source of happy, gente movement within our daily or weekly routines is important for many reasons! There are many connections between our mental and physical health, so we know that when we nurture both of them, it creates a positive cycle, wherein our positive physical health can help us maintain positive mental health, and so on. 

However, if you’ve had a history of disordered eating or disordered exercise habits, or just a difficult relationship with your body in general, the idea of establishing a new routine might feel a little scary. If that’s the case for you, here are 5 tips for working gentle movement into your routine in a way that works for you! 

Remember the purpose of your gentle movement: 

Gentle movement or moving our bodies in some way that feels good is important for our health–not for the reasons we often hear about in intense fitness environments, where fitness is more of a sport focused on pushing your body to extremes–but because our body and our brain feel better when we find ways to incorporate movement into our routines. Keep the purpose of feeling good at the center of your search for a gentle movement routine: if it starts to feel like drudergy or punishment, it’s time to find something new.  

Also remember, it’s not something you need every day. Some days are more active than others, and fitting in a movement routine on your active days is unnecessarily redundant–and restrictive because it’s making you stick to a rule without a reason, which is more like a punishment. If you spend the day at the park with your niece, you can skip the exercise routine, whatever it is, because your body has been attended to already.  

Keep a list of phrases to look out for: 

If you’ve had a problem with unhealthy exercise habits before (pushing your body past its limits, neglecting or opting out of hobbies or social events in order to stick to an intense, and regimentent workout routine, etc.) getting started with a new routine might seem daunting. Especially if a strict routine was part of what made your habits so imbalanced, establishing a new one might make you feel like you’re doing the opposite of what you should be doing. 

If you’re nervous about your goal of establishing a healthy routine of gentle movement leading you back to unhealthy patterns, it can be helpful to be aware of what phrases or thoughts you may need to look out for in order to be aware of how your mindset around your movement routine is doing. This is something you can work with your therapist on, so you can identify previous warning signs, negative thought patterns that have come up before, and what you can do in the moment if you do see those old negative thoughts reappearing.

Make enjoyment a priority: 

If you’re forcing yourself to exercise in a way that you don’t enjoy, it’s only going to feel like a punishment. And all that will teach you is that you deserve to feel unhappy or uncomfortable in your body–or that being “healthy” means feeling unhappy or uncomfortable in your body. Your movement doesn’t have to be exercise the way we usually think of it. You don’t have to go for a run around the block or sign up for a gym membership. 

Think of things that take you away from your desk or your couch that you enjoy. What sort of things are they? Do you have pets you like to play with? Do you have music you like to dance to? Are there things you could do in your community? If being involved in your community is a value of yours, there are probably many clubs or organizations in your community that need volunteers, and many of them probably have need for things that don’t involve sitting behind a desk! Do you have a friend you rarely have time to catch up with? Can you schedule a regular call with them (or in person if they’re local) where you can spend that time on a walk while you catch up with your friend? Remember to get creative! 

Tap into your inner child:

This is another way you can get creative with how you meet this need for yourself. Before there were unfair expectations or standards you felt you could never meet that dictated your relationship with your body, what was something you did as a child that made you feel good? Did you like to explore the woods or ride your bike or roller-skates? Think of things you did to “play” and what you got the most enjoyment from. Does any of it still sound fun? Could you find a way to incorporate it into your adult life, both to help feed that inner child and to give yourself a happy method of adding movement into your life?

Set limits with yourself: 

This is one you should discuss with your therapist, but it’s important to know when your behaviors have tipped from a healthy routine to a compulsion that may actually be detrimental to your health. Work with your therapist or a professional they recommend to identify what your warning signs and behaviors are, how you can manage them, and what preventative measures you can take or limits you can put on yourself as you establish a new routine to help you steer yourself away from those harmful habits. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

You’ve probably heard the word “triggered” before - it’s everywhere these days. Whether it’s a trigger warning or someone explaining that they’ve been triggered, more and more folks are becoming aware of the effects their emotional responses have on their day to day life. 

You may have experienced this yourself at some point. Have you ever had an experience where something happened, and your emotional reaction seemed way out of proportion with what was going on? 

An intense emotional reaction can be distressing. It’s a lot of work, mentally and physically, to be upset, and when a trigger comes seemingly out of nowhere, it can really throw you for a loop. 

What does being triggered mean?

When someone is triggered, that means that they are experiencing an intense emotional reaction to something. Triggers can be almost anything - something someone said or did, a smell or noise, a memory

Triggers don’t always have to be negative! There are times when something triggers a strong emotional response of joy, excitement, or happiness. However, it’s more common for people to be talking about a negative or unpleasant emotion when they discuss triggers and how to avoid them, because it’s much more uncomfortable to feel distressed than it is to feel happy. 

We have strong emotional reactions sometimes as humans, like when someone you care about passes away. When something is really emotional, we are wired to have a strong reaction to it. However, not every situation will cause such a strong reaction. When people find themselves having really strong emotional reactions to situations that don’t call for it, it can be upsetting. 

A trigger is something that is hard to avoid in daily life. Anything can be a trigger for someone, because everyone’s experiences are different. That’s why triggers are so hard to avoid - they’re a part of everyday life and relationships.

Things that trigger folks tend to be related to things like:

• unpleasant memories

• being confronted

• experiencing rejection or betrayal

• feeling unwelcome or vulnerable

• boundaries being crossed

• feeling controlled or taken advantage of

Any of these scenarios can trigger a strong emotional reaction.

What does being triggered feel like? 

When you’re triggered, it can feel intense. Many people experience an increase in their heart rate and breathing rate. You may also feel like your head is spinning, start to break out in a sweat, or feel like your stomach is upset. 

When your body is triggered, it goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode to help protect you. It’s an automatic reaction that comes from our evolutionary history, and was originally designed to keep us safe.

This high level of emotional intensity can be uncomfortable to experience on a regular basis. 

When you’re constantly breaking into fight or flight mode, it’s exhausting. Looking for danger around every turn is draining, and it can leave you feeling fatigued, irritable, and distressed. Feeling a high level of stress can also cause adverse physical symptoms after a while. Our bodies aren’t designed to be under extreme stress for long periods of time, so it can be hard on your body to feel constantly ready for danger. 

Although a trigger can be unavoidable, there are ways you can be more prepared when they come up, so you’re not left in so much distress each time. Here are some ways to cope when you feel triggered: 

Remind yourself where and when you are

A trigger is something that can throw you back into a painful or traumatic memory without much warning. When this happens, it can be hard to make sense of what is really happening, and what is your memory. Orienting yourself to the present moment can be helpful when you’re feeling swept up in a painful memory. 

You can do this in a few ways. You could look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re grown up now and that you’re safe. Some people use things like tattoos or scars to remind themselves that they’re not a younger version of themselves. 

If you feel like you’re having an experience outside of your body, try to gently use your senses to check in with the present. Grounding exercises can be helpful here, such as using your senses to bring yourself back to the present. 

Remember that feelings are morally neutral

You aren’t a bad person for having intense feelings. It can be hard to deal with intense emotions, especially when they’re coming up all the time. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are morally neutral, they aren’t good or bad. This doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change your feelings. It just means that the emotions you feel don’t say anything about your value as a person. You’re allowed to have feelings, so don’t be hard on yourself for having them. 

Take a break if you can

Being triggered is intense and overwhelming. If you’re able to, try to get yourself to a nice quiet space where you can calm back down. 

Try using your breath to slow your mind back down. Being triggered can also make you feel like you’re short of breath, so it’s important to make sure to focus on breathing in and out, nice and slow. Spending a few minutes regulating your breath can go a long way toward calming you down. It’s hard to make choices when you’re in an emotionally heightened state, so giving yourself time and space to calm down can make a difference. 

Try to find some humor

Being triggered or being reminded of something traumatic isn’t funny. But sometimes there are ways to find humor in what’s going on around you. Finding something to laugh about can help diffuse the tension of what you’re dealing with and make you feel less distressed. Is there anything silly about what’s going on? Can you take a moment and laugh at yourself a bit? 

Use affirmations

Another way to interrupt the trigger response is to use affirmations or self-talk. The way you talk to yourself matters. A lot of us are way meaner to ourselves than we think, and when you’re in distress those mean thoughts can be excruciating. When your mind starts to do its own thing and criticize you or you feel like you can’t handle something, try to interrupt it. You can use affirmations consciously to shift your thinking. Try saying to yourself, “I’m doing the best that I can right now,” “I am safe,” or “I know I can handle whatever comes my way.”

Are you looking for more ways to deal with triggers or other strong emotional reactions? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about what specifically is a trigger for you and how you can deal with those triggers in a way that works for you. Contact our office today to get started.

How to Be There for A Friend with Chronic Pain

Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain?

If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state. 

The baseline, rather than comfortable or content, is typically still some underlying degree of pain, even when on a pain management routine of some sort. Chronic pain impacts the sufferer from the moment they wake up until the time they go to sleep (and often in between as well, as chronic pain commonly impacts sleep!) so it can be hard to know how to help! 

If you’re looking for ways to support a loved one with chronic pain, here are 6 ways to be there for them:

Consider obstacles before proposing plans

Even something as simple as going for a walk can be difficult for someone with chronic pain. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them, but when you’re planning outings that you want your friend with chronic pain to take part in, try to consider what problems it may bring up for them, and what accommodations can be made so that friend can still come and have a good time. Again, if you’re planning something like a hike or a walk, it could be as simple as making sure to pick a path with benches along it so there are places to rest along the trail without having to sit on the ground (which can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even impossible depending on the pain your friend experiences). 

Don’t leave them out of the planning

Even if you’ve considered the obstacles, you’re not the one with the chronic pain, so you’re not the expert on whether things have been taken care of! Make sure you let your friend know what you’ve thought of, but also ask them to please let you know if there’s something else they are concerned about so that you can make accommodations for them. For the above example it could be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’d love for you to come hiking with me. I found a trail with lots of benches so we can stop as often as we need to. Is there anything else I didn’t consider?” 

Don’t make them ask to use the accommodations: 

If you know something is an issue for your friend, try to offer the accommodations without waiting for them to ask for it. It can be vulnerable and even feel embarrassing to ask for accommodations others don’t need–especially if you’re in a large group–so they push through pain or discomfort rather than call attention to the fact that they need help. Using the hiking example, you can offer to take a break before your friend asks for one. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey let’s stop at the bench up there for a water break!” You don’t have to call attention to their discomfort, and you can show them you’re actively thinking about them & their needs. 

Understand there aren’t always accommodations that work: 

Your friend with chronic pain might not always be able to find a way to make your plans work. Whether it’s because they’re having a bad flare up, making the usual accommodations useless, or because there just isn’t a way for them to mitigate the pain they’d be experiencing if they participated, there just isn’t always a way to make it work. It’s not a personal judgment if they say they can’t come, and while you might feel tempted to over apologize, that might actually make them feel worse–then they have to comfort you because their pain prevents them from participating. Instead, let them know you’ll miss them and that you do something with them soon. 

Offer help if you can: 

Not everyone has the energy or the time to take on some extra responsibility for their loved ones, but if you’re able to, offering to pick up the slack for your friend every now and then can be a wonderful way to support them. Living with chronic pain can make it difficult to stay on top of things like dishes or laundry or grocery shopping–basic maintenance things. Because often the pain is so severe it is difficult to function or focus on anything else. Severe pain also makes sleep difficult, exacerbating the cycle. If you have some spare time in your week every now and then, check in with your friend, ask if there’s anything you can help them out with. If they’ve been complaining of their pain more and more frequently, let them know you’ve noticed and ask if there’s anything you can do to lighten the load! 

Believe what they tell you, not what you see:

Folks who have been living with chronic pain for years may not look like they are in pain from the outside. When there’s no break from the pain, it becomes a new normal that they have had to adjust to–however that doesn’t mean they aren’t in pain. If your friend has chronic headaches, but looks “normal” when they’re in pain, that doesn’t mean they are faking. The way they look “normally” is what they look like when they’re in pain, because pain is normal for them.

Do you know someone living with chronic pain who needs support? Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians!