How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

How to Tell the Difference Between Avoidance and Self-Care

Self-care is such a buzzword these days that pretty much anything can be spun as self-care. Not everything you do in the name of self-care is actually good for you, though. Businesses have found that appealing to people’s need for self-care to be a very effective marketing strategy, and so the lines of what is actually self-care have become blurred. It can be hard to figure out if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

The purpose of self-care is to make you feel rejuvenated. Life isn’t only about being “productive”, but self-care in general should make you feel as though you’ve accomplished something. 

Avoidance, on the other hand, is draining. It doesn’t feel good to keep putting things off or pushing things away, because there’s always the fear that they’ll come back at any moment. 

What is avoidance?

Avoidance is a coping mechanism that people use when they’re trying not to think, feel, or do something difficult. The problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t deal with the root of the problem, it just pushes it down for another day. This can backfire, unfortunately. You may have experienced this before, where you try not to think about something and then it’s the only thing on your mind. 

Sometimes, doing something can be avoidance in one context and self-care in another. For example, if you have a deadline coming up to apply for a program, it’s probably not productive to spend all day playing video games. Those actions keep you from doing what is on your mind. On the other hand, if you’ve just finished up a big project and need to blow off some steam, playing video games can be a perfect outlet. 

Avoidance might be a way to self-sabotage, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Imagine that you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and you have developed feelings and want to get a feel for how they are feeling.  

However, you don’t want to open yourself up to criticism or rejection by putting your actual feelings out there - what if they laugh? What if they leave? The what ifs can be immobilizing at times, which is why avoidance is such an attractive option. Instead of having to deal with being rejected, you can do the rejecting by simply refusing to do anything.

Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem at hand - clarifying what the relationship expectations are, it just kicks it down the road to be dealt with later. 

In the scenario above, you might start to feel resentful that you’re shouldering the emotional burden on your own instead of being able to communicate openly with your partner. That resentment might lead to you wanting to spend less time with them or even ending your connection altogether.  

If you put something off or shove it down long enough, it will find its way out. Avoidance is a coping strategy, but it’s not one that works forever. After a while, you’re going to have to deal with whatever it is one way or another. 

So, how can you tell the difference between avoidance and self-care? Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to assess if you’re practicing avoidance or self-care. 

What is the intent?

Most of the time, it comes down to the intent behind it. Avoiding behaviors often come up automatically without us having to think about it. Our brains do what they can to protect us, and they sometimes try to keep us from having to do or feel something painful. Self-care, however, is a more consciously made choice. Avoidance often feels mindless- like when you pick up your phone and then boom, suddenly 2 hours are gone and you don’t know where they went. 

Is this proactive or reactive?

Often, self-care is proactive, to help make life easier for future-you while avoidance is in reaction to something. An example of proactive self-care is making plans with your friends in advance so you make sure to have time with each other. Avoidance might look like canceling plans with a friend who you need to have a serious talk with. Is this action going to help future-you? Or is it helping you avoid something or someone? Be honest with yourself. 

What is underneath the urge to avoid? 

There’s almost always something underneath the urge to avoid something, and it’s helpful to do some digging to find out what it is. Maybe it’s fear of confrontation, or fear of rejection. Perhaps you don’t want to be criticized or pitied. Whatever it is, try to explore what is going on beneath the surface to get to the root of what’s going on. 

Is what I'm doing keeping me connected to the present moment? 

This is a great question to ask yourself to determine if you’re avoiding or caring for yourself. Avoidance is designed to distract you from what is stressing you out, so a lot of times it means checking out of the present moment. Self-care, on the other hand, brings you back to the present moment, or at least keeps you from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

How do I feel afterward - more or less stressed? Numb or energized?

Self-care is supposed to help relieve stress, not add to it. It’s not only about taking it easy and indulging every impulse. Sometimes self-care is tedious, but it should ideally leave you feeling less stressed and more energized. 

Since avoidance is all about pushing away difficult feelings or situations, it often adds to your stress level overall. It is stressful to always feel like the other shoe is about to drop. Avoidance might even feel like numbness or fatigue, where you’re not sure what you’re experiencing. If you tend to find yourself feeling more stressed after engaging in self-care, there may be some avoidance going on.

The tricky part of this is that everyone’s self-care needs are different, and they change all the time.

You’re the expert of your body and your experience, so you might have an idea of what works for you. If you’re looking for more support as you develop your own self-care practice, working with a therapist can help. Get in touch today to get started with one of our expert counselors. 

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

5 Ideas for Soothing Your Nervous System in Tough Times

We all go through seasons in life, and some are harder than others. When times are tough, it can feel like it’s impossible to make yourself feel better. Understanding how our nervous systems respond in tough times can help us come up with better ways to soothe ourselves when we feel distressed. 

It’s no secret that times are tough right now. Not only are we still dealing with the pandemic and its aftermath, we’re also dealing with war in Europe, rising inflation, climate disaster, and the biggest ideological divide in the US in history. In short: it’s tough out there. 

Even with all of this going on, most of us are still holding ourselves to pre-pandemic standards  of productivity, which is leading to burnout, resentment, and stress. This constant stress and fear can lead to our nervous systems being overwhelmed, leaving us feeling distressed and out of control. 

Why does my nervous system get activated when times are tough? 

You may have heard of the parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when we’re in hyperarousal - it controls the fight or flight response. Where the sympathetic nervous system brings you out of your window of tolerance, the parasympathetic nervous system brings you back down and helps you feel calm. 

When we feel threatened, our bodies take that seriously. This can happen even if you’re not consciously aware that you feel threatened. Whether you’re on board or not, our bodies look for ways to keep us safe at all costs. This can lead to several responses you may be familiar with: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. 

Humans are animals, and as such we have animal-like instincts that take over when we sense danger. 

Fight or flight is when you either prepare to run away from danger or toward the danger to engage. These reactions take you above your window of tolerance, into hyperarousal. 

On the other hand, when feeling threatened leaves you feeling numb and disconnected, you experience the freeze response. Similarly, a fawn response happens when you try to please someone else to avoid conflict. These responses take you below your window of tolerance, into hypoarousal. 

Ideally, we stay within our windows of tolerance because that is the state of mind where we’re most likely to make good decisions and meet our own needs. Going above or below can feel distressing, so the goal is to get back to that window of tolerance. 

What’s wrong with how I cope now? 

The ways we cope aren’t always supportive of who we are now and the goals we have. We learn coping skills when we’re young, and what we need to cope and feel safe as youngsters is often not the same as when we grow up. Running away or fighting aren’t how we tend to solve problems as adults. It’s hard to get things done if you’re stuck in a freeze response, and the lengths you often have to go to avoid conflict when fawning are exhausting. 

Even if a coping mechanism you use seems like it’s a problem now, remember that you developed it to keep yourself safe. It’s okay if it no longer serves you, but try your best not to judge yourself for doing what you needed to in the past to cope. Just as you learned to cope before, you can develop new coping skills that actually help you instead of causing distress. 

How can I soothe my nervous system in tough times?

Here are 5 things to try, see how they work for you: 

Move your body

Many times, bringing your focus back to your body can help connect your physical experiences with what’s going on in your head, and can help you feel less out of control. Moving your body is also a great way to shake off the excess energy that comes up when our nervous systems are activated. If you’re feeling numb or disconnected from your body due to hypoarousal, movement can help get you back in touch with your physical self. 

Sometimes intense movement can feel good when your nervous system is activated, but it doesn’t have to be difficult exercise to have a benefit. Anything that gets you moving around - dancing, cleaning, gardening, etc. - can help you feel better in moments of distress. 

Hum or sing

Did you know that humming or singing can help soothe your nervous system when it’s activated? Both humming and singing can stimulate the vagus nerve, which is basically the connection between your brain and your body. It helps control things like your heart rate and digestion. When this nerve is stimulated, it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can bring you back into your window of tolerance. 

Since this nerve runs from your brainstem to your colon, right through your throat and past your larynx (voice box), it can be stimulated by your voice. When you feel like you need to soothe your nervous system back to your baseline, try singing or humming for a few minutes.

Play with temperature 

Using temperature to soothe your nervous system can also be helpful. Whether you feel your system is hyper or hypoactive, focusing on the temperature of something can help distract you back into the present moment where you can realize you’re safe. 

Try holding onto an ice cube in each hand or even taking a cold shower. Some people also find dunking their head into cold water can make a big difference in lowering distress. It might sound strange, but it gives you something else to focus on while your nervous system calms down enough to relieve your distress. 

Lengthen your breath

When we feel stressed, often our breathing rate picks up and becomes more shallow. It takes mindful effort to take deep full breaths when this happens, but it can make a huge difference in how you feel. 

Sometimes our breathing rate shifts without us noticing, and focusing on taking slow, deep breaths in and out can help with calming down. Breathwork is the practice of conscious, controlled breathing. There are many different breathing patterns that can help with various goals: relaxation, meditation, sleep, focus, and more. You can try different breaths on your own, like box breathing, or follow a guided breathing session on youtube or a meditation app. 

Meditation session or guided mindfulness session

Sometimes our nervous system decides it senses danger (like when life gets tough) and it feels like it takes off without us. Before we even know what’s happening, we’re in distress. That can be such a frustrating feeling. Our systems were set up to look for danger to keep us safe, but that system doesn’t always work perfectly. 

Sometimes our system warns us of danger that isn’t there, or shuts down to protect us when there is no reason to. When this happens, focusing on the present moment can help you regain your sense of awareness. Instead of your body and brain running away without you, you can remind yourself where you are and that you’re safe. It might even feel helpful to say to yourself “I’ve got this now,” or “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Knowing you have your own back is a powerful feeling. 

Are you looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system in tough times? Working with a therapist can help you explore what’s going on in a holistic way, where we take your whole life and experience into account as we support you with your goals.

Therapy is a great opportunity to learn coping skills that you can take with you into the future, no matter what comes your way. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment!

Emotional Exhaustion: What Is It & What Can You Do About It?

First, what is emotional exhaustion?

Emotional exhaustion is pretty much just what it sounds like. It happens often in periods of prolonged or intense stress, and in general makes you feel an inescapable sense of fatigue. Because it’s an emotional or mental exhaustion, it’s not the kind of tiredness that will go away with a nap. And it’s tricky because it’s the kind of thing that can sneak up on you–you might not realize you’ve been in the midst of a long period of intense stress until you’re already overwhelmed. 

When you hit that point of emotional exhaustion, it doesn’t just impact your energy level or mood. It also can impact things like your relationships, your ability to engage in your hobbies, your professional performance, your patience level, your self esteem, and even your problem solving skills. 

When you’re emotionally exhausted, pretty much every area of your life is impacted. Some mental symptoms you may experience can include: 

• Cognitive difficulties: You’re not able to think as quickly, problem solve as effectively, and your imagination, concentration and memory all suffer. 

• Mood unpredictability: Emotional exhaustion means you’re not able to regulate your own emotions or self soothe as well as when you have rest and balance in your life. That means small things which normally might not upset you may now send you over the edge, causing big changes in mood or a sense that you can’t control your feelings. 

• Relational problems: Emotional exhaustion can also impact your ability to have patience, to be an active listener, your enthusiasm for your social life and relationships, and your strength in connecting with others. Overall, your social energy is extremely depleted. 

But that’s not the only way we can recognize emotional exhaustion! It also shows up in our bodies. Some physical symptoms of emotional exhaustion you may experience can be: 

• Trouble sleeping: periods of intense stress often cause sleeping difficulties. Emotional exhaustion also frequently is felt alongside a feeling of “brain fog” which can make getting out of bed in the morning difficult, which helps create an irregular sleeping pattern, and still often leaves you feeling unrested.

• Trouble eating: Emotional exhaustion can cause digestive issues, as well as big changes in appetite. The two combined and the impact they have on your body can also lead to weight loss, another physical symptom of emotional exhaustion. 

• Frequent aches: Whether by headaches, stomach pains, muscle aches, etc. frequent aches and pains can be a sign that you are not getting the physical or emotional rest you need. 

Can you prevent emotional exhaustion?

Preventing emotional exhaustion is all about balance and boundaries. Some common things that can lead to the intense stress that sets off emotional exhaustion are things like: 

• A demanding work environment

• Poor work/life balance

• Lack of self care

• Lack of personal resources (money, food, support) 

• Perfectionism 

• An unexpected life event

• Living with a chronic illness

While some things that cause emotional exhaustion are out of our control–like our access to resources, living with a chronic illness, unexpected life events or the demands of our workplace–there are some ways we can work to prevent emotional exhaustion before it happens. 

Finding where you can enforce firmer boundaries is the first step.

What is it that’s getting you exhausted? What’s overwhelming you? When are you noticing these symptoms come up? Are there people you could turn to for support? 

The next step would be finding things that help to rejuvenate you.

You need both relaxation as well as revitalizing rest. That means take time to do nothing so you can get a break from the pressure, and find ways to fill your time with things that bring you joy to help balance out any emotional drain you may be feeling from other areas of your life. 

Establishing routines that help you keep your time balanced, and seeking the support of a mental health professional can also help you to find ways to cope with emotional exhaustion when it happens, as well as to take proactive steps to avoid it. 

If you need support coping with emotional exhaustion, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

5 Things to Do When You Feel Triggered

You’ve probably heard the word “triggered” before - it’s everywhere these days. Whether it’s a trigger warning or someone explaining that they’ve been triggered, more and more folks are becoming aware of the effects their emotional responses have on their day to day life. 

You may have experienced this yourself at some point. Have you ever had an experience where something happened, and your emotional reaction seemed way out of proportion with what was going on? 

An intense emotional reaction can be distressing. It’s a lot of work, mentally and physically, to be upset, and when a trigger comes seemingly out of nowhere, it can really throw you for a loop. 

What does being triggered mean?

When someone is triggered, that means that they are experiencing an intense emotional reaction to something. Triggers can be almost anything - something someone said or did, a smell or noise, a memory

Triggers don’t always have to be negative! There are times when something triggers a strong emotional response of joy, excitement, or happiness. However, it’s more common for people to be talking about a negative or unpleasant emotion when they discuss triggers and how to avoid them, because it’s much more uncomfortable to feel distressed than it is to feel happy. 

We have strong emotional reactions sometimes as humans, like when someone you care about passes away. When something is really emotional, we are wired to have a strong reaction to it. However, not every situation will cause such a strong reaction. When people find themselves having really strong emotional reactions to situations that don’t call for it, it can be upsetting. 

A trigger is something that is hard to avoid in daily life. Anything can be a trigger for someone, because everyone’s experiences are different. That’s why triggers are so hard to avoid - they’re a part of everyday life and relationships.

Things that trigger folks tend to be related to things like:

• unpleasant memories

• being confronted

• experiencing rejection or betrayal

• feeling unwelcome or vulnerable

• boundaries being crossed

• feeling controlled or taken advantage of

Any of these scenarios can trigger a strong emotional reaction.

What does being triggered feel like? 

When you’re triggered, it can feel intense. Many people experience an increase in their heart rate and breathing rate. You may also feel like your head is spinning, start to break out in a sweat, or feel like your stomach is upset. 

When your body is triggered, it goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode to help protect you. It’s an automatic reaction that comes from our evolutionary history, and was originally designed to keep us safe.

This high level of emotional intensity can be uncomfortable to experience on a regular basis. 

When you’re constantly breaking into fight or flight mode, it’s exhausting. Looking for danger around every turn is draining, and it can leave you feeling fatigued, irritable, and distressed. Feeling a high level of stress can also cause adverse physical symptoms after a while. Our bodies aren’t designed to be under extreme stress for long periods of time, so it can be hard on your body to feel constantly ready for danger. 

Although a trigger can be unavoidable, there are ways you can be more prepared when they come up, so you’re not left in so much distress each time. Here are some ways to cope when you feel triggered: 

Remind yourself where and when you are

A trigger is something that can throw you back into a painful or traumatic memory without much warning. When this happens, it can be hard to make sense of what is really happening, and what is your memory. Orienting yourself to the present moment can be helpful when you’re feeling swept up in a painful memory. 

You can do this in a few ways. You could look in the mirror and remind yourself that you’re grown up now and that you’re safe. Some people use things like tattoos or scars to remind themselves that they’re not a younger version of themselves. 

If you feel like you’re having an experience outside of your body, try to gently use your senses to check in with the present. Grounding exercises can be helpful here, such as using your senses to bring yourself back to the present. 

Remember that feelings are morally neutral

You aren’t a bad person for having intense feelings. It can be hard to deal with intense emotions, especially when they’re coming up all the time. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you feel. Feelings are morally neutral, they aren’t good or bad. This doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change your feelings. It just means that the emotions you feel don’t say anything about your value as a person. You’re allowed to have feelings, so don’t be hard on yourself for having them. 

Take a break if you can

Being triggered is intense and overwhelming. If you’re able to, try to get yourself to a nice quiet space where you can calm back down. 

Try using your breath to slow your mind back down. Being triggered can also make you feel like you’re short of breath, so it’s important to make sure to focus on breathing in and out, nice and slow. Spending a few minutes regulating your breath can go a long way toward calming you down. It’s hard to make choices when you’re in an emotionally heightened state, so giving yourself time and space to calm down can make a difference. 

Try to find some humor

Being triggered or being reminded of something traumatic isn’t funny. But sometimes there are ways to find humor in what’s going on around you. Finding something to laugh about can help diffuse the tension of what you’re dealing with and make you feel less distressed. Is there anything silly about what’s going on? Can you take a moment and laugh at yourself a bit? 

Use affirmations

Another way to interrupt the trigger response is to use affirmations or self-talk. The way you talk to yourself matters. A lot of us are way meaner to ourselves than we think, and when you’re in distress those mean thoughts can be excruciating. When your mind starts to do its own thing and criticize you or you feel like you can’t handle something, try to interrupt it. You can use affirmations consciously to shift your thinking. Try saying to yourself, “I’m doing the best that I can right now,” “I am safe,” or “I know I can handle whatever comes my way.”

Are you looking for more ways to deal with triggers or other strong emotional reactions? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about what specifically is a trigger for you and how you can deal with those triggers in a way that works for you. Contact our office today to get started.

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

Have you ever heard the term “coping skills” and wondered what that means? Coping skills are pretty popular these days as a buzzword on social media and health websites. There are lots of great tips out there on how to use coping skills, but it’s harder to find information out there about what coping skills are and why we develop them in the first place.

Coping skills are strategies or tools that you can use to manage stressful or distressing situations. Coping skills let you decrease your level of stress and handle difficult emotions in a way that maintains your sense of internal order. 

Most of us have coping skills in one way or another - getting through life is hard, and we all need ways to support our journey.

Coping skills or strategies are a way to manage stress both in the moment and long-term. Stress can cause all kinds of negative problems, like irritability, heart problems, and sleep disturbances. 

Coping skills offer options for getting through moments of distress until you can find a safe place to process what’s going on. It’s not always feasible to feel and process everything you need to in the moment, especially when emotions are heightened. Coping strategies let you get through the moment until you’re able to find a safe place, like a therapy session, to unpack the situation. 

Coping skills come in two basic forms, problem-based and emotion-based. Some people also conceptualize coping skills as being short term, to get you through the moment, or long-term, to help maintain balance in your life. 

As the name suggests, problem-based coping skills come up when there’s a problem or situation that you need to deal with. Problem-based coping skills can also be useful for long-term coping. For example, if you find yourself chronically tired, a problem-based coping skill would be to develop a nighttime routine that works for you. It may take time to implement, but establishing the habit of getting a good night’s sleep can help prevent future stresses from overwhelming you. Emotion-based coping skills allow you to take care of your feelings when things are out of your control or when you’re overwhelmed in the moment. 

Someone who grows up in an emotionally abusive home would probably rely more on emotion-based coping strategies. Since the person being abused has no control over the abuse, emotion based coping skills can help them deal with the abuse until they can escape it. However, problem-based coping skills may be helpful to them when they are at an age where they can leave the abusive home. 

Here are some common coping strategies that people use to deal with tough situations: 

• Negative self talk

• Catastrophizing or other cognitive distortions

• Worrying

• Escaping through books, media, and imagination

• Self-soothing with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc.

• Compulsive behaviors like shopping or gambling

• Numbing out with alcohol or drugs

• Getting too much or too little sleep

• Self-harm

• Reckless behaviors, like driving too fast

While all of these coping skills can provide relief in the moment, these are not all supportive habits in the long term. Sometimes, the coping skills we use to protect ourselves get out of control. This can happen when folks rely on things like substances to cope, for example. 

Lots of times, people refer to certain coping skills as ‘healthy’ or “unhealthy”, although more helpful terms might be supportive or unsupportive.

Many of us developed coping strategies to get through hard times, like trauma or mental illness. Those coping skills allowed you to survive. It’s okay if you had to use coping skills that aren’t supportive long-term. Whatever coping skills you’ve had to use in the past, they’ve allowed you to keep going to where you are today. There’s nothing to be ashamed of! 

Although the coping strategies you’ve used up until now  might not be ideal for you currently, you are don’t have to view them as unhealthy. You can instead decide that you’re looking for coping strategies that are supportive of where you are right now, instead of relying on ones that have gotten you to this point so far. You can even go so far as to thank your old coping skills for helping you stay alive until now. If you’re looking to find some new coping skills that are more supportive of where you are now, you have options. 

It can be helpful to have a list of coping skills ready to go for a time when you’re feeling distressed or overwhelmed. When you’re in the moment, it can be hard to think clearly, especially when you’re upset. Having a list handy helps take away the need to come up with ways to support yourself, so you can just jump right in to using your coping strategies. 

Here are some coping strategies that you may find more supportive long-term:

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Grounding techniques

• Breathwork

• Meditation or mindfulness practice

• Taking a bath

• Spending time outside 

• Cooking or baking

• Being creative

• Gardening

• Gentle physical movement

• Playing with a pet

• Listening to music

• Drinking a warm beverage

• Reading 

• Setting boundaries

• Going to therapy

If you’re looking for more support as you explore your coping skills and establish new ones, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Unpacking your history of coping skills with a therapist can be a helpful way to identify what’s working and what isn’t! 

Finding Meaning When Life Is Scary or Confusing

 Finding Meaning When Life Is Scary or Confusing

It’s no secret that life for the past 18 months have been a lot different than any of us could have imagined. When life is scary or confusing (or both!) it can seem like it will go on like this forever. We’ve now spent the better part of 2 years putting our lives on hold because of the pandemic, which is still raging on. Tensions seem to be at an all time high. We’re all sick of the way things are, and we’re all trying to deal with it in our own way. Gone are the days when we all baked bread and stayed home - we all have had to find ways to move forward in this new reality, and that can be exhausting. If you’re feeling tired or numb right now, you’re not alone. 

When life is overwhelming, it can sometimes seem like there’s no point to anything. There is a sense of overwhelming hopelessness that can get out of control quickly. While there are plenty of things to be confused or concerned about right now, it is possible to still feel a sense of purpose.

Finding meaning can look different for everyone. Some people find meaning through creativity. Others use religion to make meaning of the world around them. Many people find meaning in their communities or in nature.When life is scary, restoring your sense of purpose can be a deep comfort. 

If you’re looking for ways to find meaning in life right now, here are 5 ideas: 

Join a community

Humans are social creatures. We are wired for connection! When things get tough, community can be a valuable resource for support. It might not be as easy to join an in-person community right now, but there are many options out there for virtual communities. Try local Facebook groups or Meetup groups. If there are any causes out there that are important to you, look into joining a community focused around that. Working together with other people who care about something as much as you do can go a long way to restoring your faith in humanity. 

Explore your values

When was the last time you explored what’s important to you? Values are what we consider to be important in life. Everyone’s values are different. Some people value privacy, and others prefer to share. Some people value promptness, and others are chronically late. There are a million different values that we can have, but it can be a helpful exercise to make a list of values that are especially resonant for you. Your values may shift over time, and that’s okay! Change is natural. That’s why it’s helpful to explore your values every so often, so you know what is important to you. Understanding your values can help you make decisions, come up with goals, and manage uncertainty. 

Try acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. For example, you might feel frustrated that you’re caught in a rainstorm. But spending time being frustrated that you’re soaked doesn’t do anything to change the fact that it’s raining. Accepting that it’s raining doesn’t mean you approve of the rain - it just means that it’s happening. When you stop struggling against something, sometimes it has less power. Instead of spending your time focused on what is bringing you distress, what would shift if you accepted it? 

It’s also important to note that acceptance doesn’t mean that nothing will ever change or improve. Acceptance just means you’re not struggling against reality. To follow the rainstorm example, acceptance doesn’t mean that it will rain forever. 

Check cognitive distortions 

Sometimes what your brain tells you is not the truth. We all deal with faulty thinking sometimes, but it can be distressing when we don’t realize it’s happening. When you notice yourself thinking in extremes or having distressing thoughts, take a moment to check your thoughts for cognitive distortions. 

Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren't true, but that we believe. They can sneak up in a number of ways - “should” statements, all or nothing thinking, personalizing minimizing, jumping to conclusions, and discounting the positive are just some of the ways that cognitive distortions can show up. Remember, thoughts aren’t facts! 

Get to know yourself

Have you gotten to know the new you? We’ve all changed over the last year and a half, and many of us are still getting to know these new versions of ourselves. Crisis and chaos can lead to shifts in the way that we interact with the world and with ourselves, so take some time to explore what’s changed for you over this time. Are your values the same, or have they shifted? Do you have the same friends? What’s been meaningful to you over the past 18 months? 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are to journal, go to therapy, get an assessment, practice mindfulness, and try new things. 

As mentioned above, people find meaning in all sorts of ways. Spiritual practices or religion may help you find the meaning you’re looking for. Other people find meaning out in nature or spending time outdoors. What makes you feel inspired and curious? Follow that thread to find meaning. 

If you’re still struggling to find meaning when life is scary or confusing, therapy can be a great option. A trained therapist can help you find insights and solutions that work for your specific situation so you can get back to feeling like your old self again. Get in touch today to book a session. 

How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status

How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status

In the United States, we put a lot of focus on work and productivity. When we meet someone new, we often ask “So, what do you do?” right away. We define ourselves by our jobs, and so it can be damaging to our sense of self-worth when we’re not being productive.

However, in the last year, unemployment has soared due to the covid pandemic, and many people are still out of work. We often hear statistics on unemployment, but we often don’t see the reality behind those numbers. Some people are also feeling conflicted because as jobs open back up, some businesses are having a hard time hiring. After the last year, many people have decided they don’t want to work low paying service jobs where they’re treated terribly. Some people aren’t vaccinated and don’t feel safe going back to work. Some people have realized that the path they were on is no longer the right fit for them and are trying to figure out where to go next.

If you’ve been out of work for any length of time, you know that lots of feelings can come up unexpectedly about your job status. Even if you’re happy with your current situation, the expectations and judgement from other people can be exhausting. 

If you’ve spent most of your life tying your self-worth to your work, you’re certainly not alone. Here are some ideas for how to cope when you feel like your self-worth relies on your productivity or job status. 

Be nice to yourself 

This advice is true for so many things. Lots of us are hard on ourselves without really knowing or understanding why. It’s a habit that we’ve formed, and it can be hard to break. Try to talk to yourself kindly and with compassion. If you’re having a hard time with this, imagine you’re talking to your best friend. How would you talk to them about this? Would you tell them they’re worthless because they’re not working right now? Of course you wouldn’t. Channel that same compassion toward yourself. 

Ask yourself: Who profits when I feel this way? 

Insecurity makes the world go round. It’s how advertisers convince you to buy things. When you notice feelings like “I”m not good enough” or “I’m only worthy when I have regular work”, try to dig a little deeper. Where are these thoughts coming from? Are they true? What is the evidence of their truth? Is this sense of insecurity trying to nudge me toward buying something to soothe my discomfort? Reminding yourself that someone is profiting off of your distress can be a helpful way to remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel, but you don’t have to act on it. 

Use mantras or affirmations to remind yourself you are inherently worthy 

We are reminded from a young age that our work is our identity. We talk about what we want to be when we grow up and focus on careers, instead of on our values or our emotional state. It takes a lot of work to undo that programming. When you notice those old messages coming up, you can remind yourself that they’re not true. It takes practice, so repeating affirmations or mantras to yourself on a regular basis can help counteract the feelings that you’re not good enough. What you say to yourself matters.

Cultivate interests outside of things you can get paid for

Your worth has nothing to do with the value you create monetarily. While everyone deserves to be paid for their labor, there’s also freedom in finding joy in things you don’t get paid for. Not everything has to be monetized. You can start a hobby without turning it into a side hustle. It’s okay to spend time on things that don’t add to your bank statement. 

Participate in mutual aid groups

If you ever need the reminder that we are not alone, there are tons of organizers doing the work to bring together resources to support local folks. Even if you’re not able to donate monetarily right now to mutual aid, it can be a helpful reminder that there is help out there outside of our traditional systems of charity or government aid. We have the ability to help each other. We have this idea that if you’re not in the traditional job sphere, working 9-5, then you can’t get help, but that’s not true. Local organizations do the work every day to keep people from falling through the cracks. Can you donate time to an organization? Can you drop off some food at a local food shelf? Can you share local mutual aid requests with your network? All of these things help. 

If you are not working right now, for whatever reason, know that you are still a worthy, valuable person no matter what. That will always be true, regardless of your employment status. Your worth is not defined by your productivity or the money you can make. It’s a hard lesson to learn, because we spend so much of our lives hearing the opposite is true. Be gentle and try not to judge yourself for whatever feelings come up.

If you’re looking for more support as you deal with the fallout from the pandemic, including unemployment, our clinicians can help you during this tricky time. 

3 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear from You

What is an inner child?

Have you heard the phrase inner child before? Do you know what it is? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like! It’s the childhood versions of yourself that you carry with you now. Think about it: as you age you don’t lose those past selves. When you turn eleven, your ten year old self doesn’t stop existing. She’s just now tucked away in the heart of your eleven year old self! 

But what does that really mean?

It means that while yes, we may be adults now, sometimes it is not our adult self reacting to what’s happening to us, but the hurt child inside of us. When you feel like you’re “overreacting” or “being crazy” what’s most likely happening is that an old wound from childhood, which never really healed, was activated again. And while your adult self may know logically, you are going to be okay and you don’t need to “freak out” that freak out you’re feeling is your inner child trying to get your attention. They’re shouting “hey! Something’s wrong! Help me!” 

Now, this doesn’t mean that every time you’re upset you should think “this is no big deal it’s just the little kid in me freaking out.” In fact the opposite! Minimizing it as just a childlike meltdown won’t help you–it will just brush the problem aside until it comes up again. And it will come up again until the wound is tended to, as you’ve already seen! 

Instead, imagine you are standing next to your inner child.

Picture your younger self, at eight years old, at ten, at twelve, etc. Whatever age it is that needs your attention. Think about the hurt they are feeling. Maybe even imagine you’re asking them. Ask them, “what’s wrong? What are you feeling?” 

You can have this conversation out loud yourself, or in your head, or in a journal if you find that’s helpful. The most important thing in the process is to show your inner child the kindness and patience you may not have gotten.

If you don’t know where to start, here are 3 things inner child needs to hear from you to facilitate that healing: 

I’m glad you’re here.

If you’re carrying around unhealed wounds from childhood, it’s likely you weren’t made to feel safe enough to ask for help. You might have been made to feel like a burden, which may have made it hard or even impossible for you to call attention to yourself when you needed an adult to step up and help you. That inner child inside you–even if they are just “talking” to you–may still have this fear. Welcome them, tell them you’re glad they are there–and you’re glad they shouted loud enough for you to hear them. You are happy to see them, and you want to help. 

It’s not fair that you feel this way. Or: It’s not fair that that happened to you. 

While you can make space to listen to your inner child, you can’t go back in time and fix whatever hurt them. This can feel painful to realize–for your adult self and your inner child. You can't fix the hurt! That’s natural. But sometimes all we can do, even for ourselves is to acknowledge the hurt.  You know as an adult that the way you were treated as a child wasn’t right, but that child in you still doesn’t know. They still think it’s how they deserve to be treated, or that it’s their fault. Letting them know it’s not your fault and it’s not fair can be an incredibly powerful way to start that healing. 

I’m proud of you for surviving. 

Many of us develop habits in childhood that help us survive our environments–both physically and emotionally. However, some of these habits can be things like protecting your feelings, avoiding vulnerability, trying to predict others feelings or actions, etc. All of these things can help protect a child in an emotionally volatile environment where they are punished for needing support. But as we age, those tools no longer serve us, and what was crucial for survival once now can get in the way of growth and happiness. Instead of resenting the child in you for developing these habits, let them know you’re proud of them for doing what they needed to do to survive. Let them know you understand their hesitation, but that it’s safe now and you’re there to help them drop those habits as they heal. 

Talking to your inner child isn’t the only way to work on healing! You can take some time to think about things you liked as a child, what brought you joy and made you feel safe, and incorporate those into your life now to show that inner child they are welcome and safe. You can choose to do things that seem silly because you know they will help feed that inner child. Go rollerskating, paint with your fingers, make some playdough! Your inner child will thank you.  

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

How Grounding Techniques Can Help With Anxiety

If you’ve dealt with anxiety before, you know that it can be hard to get out of the cycle of panic on your own. When you’re in the midst of an anxious spiral, it can be almost impossible to snap yourself out of it, especially if you haven’t practiced. Anxiety is a complicated condition, but luckily there are ways to prepare yourself for your next bout of anxiety. One of the most popular ways to help manage panic or distressing thoughts is by grounding yourself. 

What is grounding?

Grounding is a practice that allows you to connect back to your body and the earth. Grounding is a great option when you want to feel more stable and relaxed. Taking the time to focus on your connection to your body and the earth can help you approach things from a place of stability, rather than panic. 

Grounding is kind of like taking a deep breath and resetting when your emotions are heightened. It allows you to take a break from the mass of thoughts and worries in your head and instead focus on being present in your body. Using a grounding technique can help break the cycle of anxious thoughts and return you to the present moment.

The techniques used in grounding aren’t limited to just anxiety relief. They can be helpful for folks dealing with PTSD, frequent bouts of dissociation, feeling the urge to self-harm, and for folks struggling with substance use. Since the point of grounding is to bring you back to the present, instead of getting lost in your thoughts and feelings, it can be a valuable way to calm yourself down quickly in any situation. 

What are some ways to practice grounding yourself? 

There are a lot of ways to ground yourself, and you don’t have to try them all. You might go through the list and try a few out and find one that works really well for you, or you might use a different technique every time. Here are some of our favorite grounding techniques to try when you feel anxious:

The 5-4-3-2-1 Method.

This method uses the senses to ground yourself. Find five things you can see, then four things you can feel, then three things you can hear, then two things you can smell, and finally, one thing you can taste. Make sure to say each thing out loud to yourself. 

Carry a grounding object.

You might find it helpful to bring a grounding object with you when you’re out and about. The object can be whatever you want it to be (rocks, soft fabrics, photographs, marbles, trinkets, crystals, etc.), just make sure it’s easy to grab when you feel your anxiety kicking up. Focus entirely on your object, using your hands to touch it and taking note of anything you feel with your body.

Make a hot beverage.

Focusing fully on the process, make a warm beverage for yourself, like coffee, tea, or hot chocolate. Carefully follow each step of the process. Take note of what your body feels during the process - use your senses as a guide. 

Use water.

Try putting your hands in water. Switch up the temperature and notice how that feels on your skin. How does the water feel on your fingers? On your palms? Does it feel the same everywhere, or does it feel different depending on the part of your hand that’s submerged?

Return to your breath.

There’s a reason why people say “take a deep breath!” when you’re worked up over something - it is a quick way to help you calm your body + brain down. Close your eyes and follow the count of your breath. Try inhaling for longer than you exhale, and vice versa. Notice what it feels like to change up the rhythm of your breath. 

Picture a stream.

Imagine that your brain is a river and your thoughts are leaves on the top of the water, floating past. For every new thought you have, picture placing it on a leaf and watching it float right on past. This is a great reminder that thoughts naturally come and go, and we don’t have to fixate on them. 

Wiggle your feet.

Sometimes you might not want to draw tons of attention to yourself when you’re trying to ground yourself. A fairly private way to ground yourself in a public place is to focus on your feet in your shoes. Wiggle your toes in your shoes, tense up your foot and then allow it to relax, stretch a little. How do your feet feel in your shoes? 

Get moving.

A great way to distract yourself is to use some of that anxious energy by moving your body. Movement doesn’t have to mean punishing your body for the way it looks, it’s just another tool in your mental toolkit to help yourself feel better. Explore ways of movement that feel good to you. If you have a hard time coming up with something, think back to the ways you liked to move as a child. Did you dance a lot? Jump rope? Hula hoop? Play a sport? See if there’s a way you can reincorporate that activity into your adult life. 

The Grounding Chair technique.

Sit straight up in your seat, with your feet on the ground and your hands on your knees. Start with some deep breaths, then take note of how your body feels in the chair. What does it feel like where your body is touching your seat? What material is the chair made of? Imagine the energy in your body moving through your body back into the earth. As you imagine the energy moving, relax your muscles and take note of how that feels. 

Observe your surroundings.

Whether you’re inside or outside, actively take a look at your surroundings. Are you warm or cold? Are you in nature? What can you see or hear? Describe your surroundings with tons of detail to yourself. 

Having a plan for when anxiety kicks up can go a long way toward making you feel better. Try out a few of these grounding techniques and see which ones work best for you. Then you have something to turn to when you’re feeling anxious and lost and are having a hard time calming yourself down. Make sure to practice these techniques when you’re feeling safe and your anxiety is low, so you can focus on mastering the techniques instead of calming your anxiety until you get the hang of it. If you need help creating a plan for your next bout of anxiety, our clinicians can help you find one that works for you. 

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counseling in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

4 Tips to Help You Cultivate Optimism

What does it mean to be optimistic?

Being optimistic is being able to find a positive outlook–even in negative situations. 

Did you just roll your eyes a bit? It can be hard to commit to optimism. The world today is filled with natural disasters, poverty, war, and various political and social crises. It can be hard to balance all of that news–news that we now get at the speed of light thanks to social media–and still remain optimistic. And that’s not even considering the events of your daily life. 

But, as far fetched as it might seem, being optimistic can not only allow you to enjoy your day to day life more, through finding those silver linings, but it can also: 

• Boost your physical health

• Boost your emotional health

• Facilitate greater achievements

• Decrease stress

• And even increase longevity 

What makes up an optimistic mindset?

Is it just ignoring bad things when they happen? Is it ignoring the bad feelings we get? Or pretending that things are great when they’re not?

Nope. 

Optimists aren’t in denial. They don’t ignore when negative things happen, nor do they refuse to let themselves feel any sort of negative or uncomfortable emotion. The difference between optimists and pessimists, is that when such a negative event occurs, optimists allow themselves to see both the negatives and the positives. 

Let’s say you’re going up for a new job. 

A pessimist might think, “What’s the point? Nothing good ever happens to me anyway.” Then, if they don’t get the job, that thinking would just be reaffirmed. They would see the negative outcome as an inevitability, and a pattern they can’t escape, rather than a one time instance. 

An optimist on the other hand, might think, “What’s the worst the could happen? I might as well try.” And then, if they didn’t get the job, instead of thinking “See? Trying is pointless.” they might think something like, “That stinks, but this must not be the right fit for me. Let’s see what I can use from the experience going forward for the next thing I try.” 

See the difference? 

It’s not denying the unfortunate event or ignoring the feelings of disappointment. Optimism in this case is seeing that not getting that job is an isolated incident, and one that can be reflected on and learned from. 

So, how can you shift your thinking?

It would be great if you could just say, “Okay! I’m going to be an optimist now!” Unfortunately, as is the case with any shift in mindset, it’s going to take a bit more work than that. Below are 4 things you can do to start reflecting on and shifting your own mindset to a more optimistic one: 

1). Examine where you find happiness: 

One reason pessimists are pessimistic is because happiness for them is attached to some external source, rather than an innate sense inside of them. They will be happy if they have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect partner, the perfect social life, etc. The pressure for perfection leads to stress, can exacerbate anxiety and depression, and completely hinders their capacity for happiness when things aren’t perfect. 

Instead, learning to be happy as you are–and seeing those other things as wonderful, happy bonuses–can stop the catastrophizing thinking that comes with negative events (not getting a job, a break up, etc.) 

2). Practice Kindness:

It’s been shown that being kind or helpful to others can actually improve your mood. But kindness doesn’t have to be reserved to just acts of charity, it can also be about questioning your perspective. Kindness can be just imagining that everyone is trying their best, at any given time. We all have bad days. Keeping that in mind can help you offer more compassion and kindness to everyone you interact with. If someone isn’t friendly or accommodating to you, maybe it’s not because they are rude or hate you. Maybe it’s because they are having a terrible day. 

When you allow this room for compassion for others, you are also able to start to judge yourself less harshly. And, when things do go “wrong” it gives you a new perspective. Maybe the person hanging up abruptly actually had nothing to do with you. De-centering yourself like that can help to remind you that there are things outside of your control and that all you can do is make the best of the situation you’re in. 

3). Take time to notice what affects your mood: 

Are there things that make you feel happier and more optimistic? Add more of those into your life. Are there things that drag your mood down, and make you more pessimistic? Consider how to limit those things, if not remove them from your routine completely. 

For example: are you overwhelmed by negative sentiments as soon as you log into Twitter? Maybe it’s time to cut down the list of people you’re following. Narrow it down to people who post things that don’t sour your outlook or make you feel bad. 

4). Keep a gratitude journal: 

It can be easy to overlook all the things we love about our lives. Many of the things we’re grateful for go ignored and unacknowledged until we lose them. 

Instead, take a few minutes each day and make a list of the things that happened that day that you’re grateful for. It doesn’t have to be anything big, it can be as simple as “someone held a door open for me while my hands were full” or “my coworker said I was doing a great job.”

Learning to recognize and appreciate all of those small, positive things in a day can help shift your mindset. Once you start noticing them you won’t be able to stop–and soon your outlook will be vastly more positive than it was before! 

Optimism, like many mindset shifts, is a fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of deal. Even if you don’t think those tips will work, pretend you do! Try it for a day, a week, a month. See what happens when you allow yourself to focus on the positive–even if it feels fake at first. If you need support in shifting your mindset to a more optimistic one, our counselors can guide you through the process. 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!