6 Little Ways to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Improving any relationship may seem like a daunting task, especially a romantic relationship. After all, it’s hard for people to change! It seems like making any sort of meaningful change would take a long time and a lot of effort. Big changes and shifts often do take time and patience, but there are lots of little ways to improve your romantic relationships that can add up over time. 

Romantic relationships often feel like they have higher stakes, partially because as a culture we value intimate relationships more than platonic ones. That’s why there are a million resources out there about how to deal with a romantic breakup, but not nearly as many on dealing with friendship breakups, for example. So when things are tough in your romantic relationship, you might feel particularly distressed.

This is also because our romantic partners are often a major source of support in our lives, and a main part of our family. The idea of losing that support, whether it’s a possibility or just a worry, can be devastating. It can be tough to know where to start when you’re feeling like your relationship could be improved. 

First, decide what improving your relationship means to you. For some people, this will mean increased intimacy (physical or emotional), for others it might mean fewer disagreements. What would a “better” relationship look like for you? How would you like to feel in your relationship, and what is in the way of feeling that now? Taking some time to figure out what you want can help you decide how best to move forward. 

If you’re looking for suggestions for little ways to improve your relationship, here are 6 ways: 

Spend time away from each other

This might sound counterintuitive, but couples who don’t spend every minute together tend to be happier. When you spend all of your time together, you leave no room to miss one another. It’s also kind of boring - when you already know exactly how they spend all their time, what is there to talk about? Dedicated time apart can help you feel more excited to come together again and fill each other in on all the details of what you did while you weren’t together. 

Be present mentally when you’re together

It’s all too easy to end the day winding down on the couch, scrolling through your phone, especially as the days get shorter and colder. Even if you spend a lot of time together with your partner, how much of that time is spent being present mentally, and how much of that time is spent distracted? There’s always going to be something to look at online or on your phone, but there aren’t unlimited moments to connect with your partner. When you’re together, at least some of the time, try to make an effort to be present with each other. That means putting down your phones, making eye contact, and actively listening to each other. We promise, it’s worth it!

Stop trying to read each other's' minds

When you’ve been with someone a long time, you probably know pretty well how they think. However, that doesn’t mean that you can read their mind, or that they can read yours. There are lots of disagreements between couples that could be resolved with some direct communication, instead of making assumptions. If you’re not sure about something, ask! 

Make time to laugh together

When was the last time you and your partner had a really good laugh together? There’s a lot of tension and stress in the world, and that only tends to increase at the end of the year. Finding ways to bond over positive things can help you feel closer to one another. Making time to laugh together is also a great way to remind yourself that you love and enjoy spending time together. Watching a show or a comedy special that you both love can help get the laughter flowing and leave you feeling closer. 

Go to bed at the same time 

Life is busy, and it’s hard to find time to spend with your partner sometimes. Going to bed at the same time at night gives you an opportunity for some alone time every day. Take advantage of it! Also, everything seems better after a good night’s sleep, so getting some quality shut-eye can do a world of good when you’re just having one of those days. 

Notice the little things

When you’re in a routine with someone, it can be hard to break out of it. One way to keep things interesting in a relationship is to make an effort to notice the little things. Compliment your partner, acknowledge things they do, remember the things they say, and keep track of what’s important to them. Knowing that someone cares about all the little details of your life is a great feeling, and can lead to feeling closer to one another. 

If you’re looking for more ways to improve your relationship, couples therapy can give you a safe and compassionate space to explore and grow closer. Get in touch today to get started! 

Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season

Happy December!

We’re now into the last month of 2021, can you believe it? And this month brings many opportunities for celebrations with it. From belated “friendsgiving” parties, various religious holiday celebrations, and New Year’s get-togethers, there is a lot of space for joy at the end of the year. But there’s also a lot of pressure and stress associated with this season! And one thing that people really struggle with is maintaining peace with their body and how it might change this season. 

Just like the world around us, we (and our bodies) go through seasons. 

Sometimes we’re active and energetic, sometimes we’re developing new skills and growing, and sometimes we’re finding ways to provide rest and rejuvenation to ourselves. 

In winter, with the cold weather and darker days, our bodies naturally produce more melatonin, and use up lots of energy staying warm. When that happens, we feel more tired, depleted, and basically like we want to stay cozied up in bed until springtime comes. (This is also what contributes to seasonal affective disorder.)

On top of this, usually in winter the weather is worse. It’s cold and unpredictable and harder to physically be out in. So we’re not walking to places we might walk to in better weather, outdoor hobbies like hiking or kayaking or various sports are on hold until spring. All of this adds up to us being naturally a little more sedentary in the winter. And that’s not a bad thing! 

Just like trees lose their leaves and pause their growth to preserve energy in the winter, we need periods of rest too. 

We don’t consider the tree lazy for falling asleep until spring, so why would our increased need for rest be a bad thing?

There are also social impacts to our bodies this season. While our energy and movement is lower than the rest of the year, it’s also a season of lots and lots of celebrations. And these celebrations are often heavily food-centered. Getting together for big meals, cookie exchanges, etc.–it’s hard to avoid food based parties this time of year. And, we also look forward to a lot of this food all year long! Of course we want to enjoy it. 

So if we’re needing to be more restful while also having more opportunities to enjoy food with loved ones, then naturally weight gain will be a common change we can see in our bodies this time of year. But, while all of these things may make sense, if you struggle with your body image, it can be an emotionally difficult time of year. If you find your relationship with your body image straining this time of year, here are four things to remind yourself of this season: 

Weight changes are morally neutral:

There are many things that contribute to changes in weight (both gain & loss) that have nothing to do with “calories in, calories out.” Things like your genetics, your environment, your socioeconomic status, sudden health or financial challenges, and your mental health. In fact weight changes happen to all of us all of the time. Most people do not stay at one weight the majority of their adult lives–as our circumstances change, so do our bodies. Weight changes don’t reflect any sort of moral failing or lack of self-discipline, they simply reflect a period of change. 

Food is not good or bad:

When people say food is “good” or “bad” usually what they mean is “healthy” or “unhealthy.” However, even this distinction is unhelpful and unintentionally harmful. We need some foods because they nourish our physical health and we need other foods because they nourish our emotional health. So much tradition and community and closeness can be passed down through food: the prepping of it and the cooking of it and the sharing of it. Those foods might not necessarily be “healthy” in the sense that they aren’t nutrient dense but they are healthy in the sense that they are something to enjoy and savor with loved ones, which nurtures our mental and emotional health. Instead of seeing food as “good” or “bad” foods, try to reframe these labels. Don’t ask if it’s good or bad or healthy or unhealthy, but if it’s physically nourishing or emotionally nourishing. 

There’s a motive to the messaging:

The fitness and diet culture industries are in full swing this time of year, knowing that we’ll be surrounded by opportunities to be cozy with full stomachs, happy & content with loved ones.  You’ll likely start to see messages about restricting your calorie intake or using the new year to shed the weight of any “guilty pleasure” foods you “indulged” in over the holiday. These messages might be framed as being for your health, but health is never so black and white. Instead, it’s a message intended to make you feel guilty about things completely natural to humans (enjoying food and living in a body that changes) so that they can make money selling you a “solution” to these “problems.” If it truly was about your health it would be individual, personalized care. No stranger on the internet or at a gym knows anything about your health or what influences it! 

You’re allowed to set boundaries:

Diet culture is so permeated in our culture, it’s hard to avoid it, especially diet talk. It’s so common, many people don’t even realize they’re doing it! Like your aunt who takes a cookie and talks about how she’s “naughty” for eating something she “shouldn’t.” These kinds of comments are so common, half the time we don’t even clock them as part of diet culture. But when you’re working on making and keeping peace with your body, these comments can be harmful and grating! It can be helpful to have a few phrases that politely but directly shut down that sort of talk around you like:

• “Let’s not talk about calories and just enjoy our time together.”

• “My body will tell me when I’m full, I don’t need to restrict myself.” 

• “We’ve all worked so hard on the food we brought to share, let’s not refer to it as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’”

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

How to Gently Set Boundaries With Your Family

The holidays can be a fun time of year, but they can also be really stressful. This year more people are spending time with family than last year due to the pandemic, so if you’re feeling extra stressed at seeing family after a long separation you’re not alone. Families can be a great source of love and support, but there are always going to be interpersonal issues when you have a group of people. Complicated family dynamics can be a huge source of stress at the holidays, and setting boundaries with your family may help you navigate.

What are boundaries?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. People are sometimes offended when someone tries to set a boundary with them. That’s because boundaries are commonly misunderstood. Boundaries aren’t punishments or a precursor to a relationship ending. Boundaries simply help people protect their mental, emotional, and physical energy as much as possible.

You can set boundaries around anything that is important to you. Instead of driving people apart, boundaries often help people maintain their relationships with others (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) for the long-term. 

Boundaries help maintain long term connections with people. When you don’t have boundaries, you may find it harder to protect your energy and your mental health. Often, people with no boundaries find themselves giving to relationships far more than they get in return. Unbalanced relationships like these are a recipe for resentment, which isn’t good for any sort of relationship. Instead of getting to the point where you resent someone you care about, setting a boundary can help preserve that relationship. 

Why boundaries are needed at the holidays

Gathering with family is often more complicated in reality than in theory. Everyone has that relative who asks questions that are way too invasive, or who brings up an uncomfortable topic that changes the mood. After more than a year of isolating ourselves, lots of folks are traveling to see family in person for the first time in many months. While people have certainly missed their loved ones fiercely, it can be even tougher to psych yourself up mentally to deal with family drama after so much time away. 

Holidays are also full of food and drink. When people have some drinks, they might have a little less tact than they do fully sober, which can lead to misunderstandings or disagreements. The heightened emotions of getting together with loved ones after so long apart can also raise expectations to an impossible level, which can be intimidating or like you’re set up to fail. If you’re finding yourself worried about how you’ll cope during the holidays with your loved ones, setting some boundaries beforehand may help things go a lot smoother. 

Setting boundaries in advance gives your loved ones time to ask questions or adjust to what you’re asking. You can also potentially not have to set them face to face if you do it beforehand, which can be less nerve-wracking, especially if you historically have a hard time getting your family to listen to you. Sometimes typing out what you have to say in a text message or an email feels more doable than talking to someone you love face to face. Whichever way works for you is valid. 

It’s also important to note that you don’t have to set a boundary in advance for it to be valid. You can set a boundary at any time and expect it to be respected. However, setting boundaries in advance can help adjust everyone’s expectations accordingly. 

If you’re setting boundaries this holiday season, here are 4 ways to gently set boundaries with your family: 

Be as clear as possible

Brené Brown, who is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and resilience, has a popular quote that says “Clear is kind.” When you have something to say to someone, being as clear as possible is the kindest way forward. Even if you have something tricky to say or something that you know they won’t want to hear, being as straightforward as you can may lead to fewer hurt feelings overall. 

It can be tempting to hedge, especially when you don’t want to disappoint or hurt the feelings of someone you love. Although it’s tempting, beating around the bush or adding in a “maybe” can lead to misunderstandings down the road. Being direct can help you avoid miscommunication or confusion about your boundaries. 

Be firm, but kind

Boundaries are important, and they should be taken seriously. When explaining your boundaries to people, be as kind as possible, but also let them know that your boundaries are firm and you’re not open to negotiating them. For example, let’s say you’re headed home for the holidays and you’re nervous that your family is going to talk about your body or what you’re eating. A boundary you can set is “I know you mean well, but please don’t comment on any changes in my body shape or on what I’m eating when we see each other. Even though you don’t mean it that way, it makes me feel bad about myself.”  

Lots of times, boundaries also come with a warning of what will happen if the boundary is crossed. In the example above, you could close by saying “I hope you can respect this boundary, or I will have to leave.” 

Enforce the boundary, even if it’s awkward

One of the toughest parts of setting boundaries is enforcing them. It can be so hard to stick with what you said you were going to do when a loved one is upset with you. Not sticking to your boundaries, though, can open up a whole new set of issues. Your family members might try to cross more boundaries to see what they can get away with, or they might not believe you when you try to set more boundaries in the future. Enforcing the boundary not only reinforces it, but it ends the interaction so you don’t have to keep feeling distressed. 

Even if it’s awkward to enforce your boundaries, sticking up for yourself can help improve your confidence. Enforcing your boundaries is like keeping a promise to yourself, and repeatedly keeping promises to yourself can be a powerful self-esteem booster. 

Be open to other people’s boundaries

Just as you would want people to respect your boundaries, you should also respect theirs. It’s actually very helpful to have people set boundaries with you, so you know how it feels on the other end of the conversation. Boundaries can be a strengthening force in relationships if we let them. 

If you’re looking for help deciding what your personal boundaries are, talking it over with a therapist can help. Our expert clinicians can help you set and enforce your boundaries so you can protect your energy. 

How to Motivate Yourself to Do Boring Life Tasks

Do you struggle to motivate yourself to do boring life tasks?

We know that self care is not the commercialized version we so often see. (That’s often actually a form of self soothing; providing ourselves with something nice to ease the discomfort or distress of a situation. We talk about the difference between the two a little bit here.)

But, essentially, self care is about developing a life and forming habits that take care of your physical, mental, and emotional needs. 

Which isn’t always as fun as the bubble bath, treat-yourself version of “self care” that we sometimes think of! 

In fact, many ways in which we care for ourselves are very boring chores, such as: 

• Making a grocery list of foods that fill you and make you feel good (physically and emotionally–emotionally nourishing foods are also important, there should be joy in the task of eating too!) 

• Refilling prescriptions

• Remembering to take medicine 

• Making doctors appointments when something is wrong

• Cleaning your home; making sure your space is tidy enough not to inhibit your daily life or get you sick 

• Prioritizing time with people who make you happy and leave you feeling rejuvenated 

• Finding a method/system for remembering appointments

Some of those are more fun than others–seeing our friends for example, isn’t a very hard one to motivate ourselves to do. Making doctors appointments and cleaning our house, however, isn’t really all that fun! Tasks like those, which are important to a healthy, happy, and well rested life, often go neglected because it really is just so hard to find the motivation to do those things–especially when we’re living in a world prone to burning us out already. 

And we’re now also facing the obstacles that come with the winter season. Many of us struggle even more this time of year due to the short, darker, colder days. We’re getting less sunlight and our brain is producing more melatonin because of that, which means we’re more likely to be tired all the time! 

So how can you motivate yourself to do boring self care tasks?

Stop all or nothing thinking: 

Is there a pile of dishes sitting in your sink? Maybe it’s been there for days and it just keeps getting bigger? And now, the bigger it is, the more daunting the task seems? Stop telling yourself you need to do it all at one time. Life is rarely all or nothing. 50% is pretty much always better than 0%! Tell yourself you’ll just start those annoying tasks (dishes, laundry, grocery prep, etc.) and after ten minutes or so, if you want to stop, you’re allowed to. 

Getting started is often the hardest part, especially when the task itself is so massive it feels like even if you start you’ll never finish.  When you tell yourself “I don’t have to finish the dishes, I just have to start them” you’re easing that pressure. Chances are? You’ll realize doing the dishes isn’t actually that bad and you’ll just finish them. And if not? Then some of your dishes are clean now when they weren’t before! 

Select part of the day to be “productive”

You’re not going to want to spend the whole day on boring tasks. If it’s hard to even get yourself started, you’ll never want to dedicate a whole day to it!  Instead, find ways to split the day into productive and non-productive chunks. Give yourself a starting time (“I’ll take a look at my to do list and decide what’s realistic to get done today at 1pm”) or a cut off time (“I’ll try to get what I can done before 3pm, but after that I’m going to rest.”)

Have a “life admin” buddy

Can you coordinate with a friend who might also struggle to get some boring self care done? Maybe the two of you can have cleaning dates where you help each other clean each other’s homes, or meal prep days where you cook or grocery shop together. You could start a monthly “tradition” of getting together to go through your calendars for the month and make sure all your appointments are in there with reminders and any info you’ll need for them. While the tasks themselves might not be fun, having a friend there can add in some joy (maybe even get you looking forward to it!) or just assure you that you’re not the only one who needs a little extra help with these “life admin” tasks sometimes. 

Give yourself a reward

There’s nothing wrong with making boring tasks more appealing with a treat! Maybe when you go grocery shopping, you could stop by the bakery section and pick yourself up a fresh baked treat as a reward for getting groceries. Another idea could be to make plans with friends after appointments you don’t enjoy (see a friend for lunch after a doctor’s appointment, etc) to make them more appealing! While you might not enjoy actually going to the doctor, making it a “rule” that you get something fun in return can help make it a more positive experience overall–and might help you to stop putting it off. 

If you're looking for more support, our therapists are trained in modalities like cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

As a culture, we tend to romanticize giving our all in romantic relationships. However, there is a fine line between being a devoted partner and being a codependent one. In psychology, the idea of codependency is often associated with substance use, but anyone can be in a codependent relationship. 

What does codependent mean? 

Being codependent is not a mental illness, and you can’t be officially diagnosed as codependent. Rather, codependency is a pattern of behavior, one that often arises from low self-esteem and the need to protect oneself. 

Codependency is also a relational trait - you may have one codependent relationship, but other relationships where you’re not codependent.  You can be predisposed to be codependent, but if you’re codependent in one relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll be that way forever.  It’s not necessarily all or nothing - depending on context your level of codependence may change. 

In fact, some people even refer to codependency as “relationship addiction”, suggesting that codependent people are dependent on these unhealthy relationships for their sense of self-worth. 

Healthy relationships are mutual. Both parties can depend on one another equally and offer each other love and support. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided. One partner gives more love and support than the other, who often gives little or nothing in return. Someone who is in a codependent relationship might feel that they have to do whatever it takes to please their partner, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. 

Is it a problem to be codependent? 

Just because two people rely on each other doesn’t mean that it’s always a problem. Some people are happy with the relationships they have. Every close relationship isn’t a codependent one. The closeness needs to be mutual though, so one partner isn’t doing all the giving and the other isn’t doing all the taking. Healthy relationships aren’t one-sided. 

The problem comes when one partner is taking advantage of the other. This can happen in a number of ways - emotionally, financially, sexually. Codependency is problematic when it leads to a person defining themselves by their partner and trying to control the relationship. 

What are signs of codependence? 

Codependence can be tricky because it’s not always conscious on the part of both partners. You both may have the best of intentions, but sliding into codependence can turn a healthy relationship into an unhealthy one. An example of this is feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings. It might seem like it’s coming from a good place, but it’s really a way to exert control to get their love. If you can control how they feel at all times, you know they’ll always feel loving towards you. However, that takes away from their agency as a person - they’re allowed to have their own feelings, even if they’re not the ones you want them to have. 

Even if neither one of you is aware of how your behavior affects the other, you both may still be contributing to the level of codependence in the relationship. If any of the following feels familiar to you, you may want to learn more about codependency or talk about it with a therapist.

• You’re a people pleaser

• You’ve always felt like you need the approval of others 

• You feel like you have to make excuses for the other person’s behavior

• The other person’s happiness feels more important than yours 

• You feel responsible for the other person’s feelings 

• You have a history of helping that is really enabling

• You feel like you no longer have a sense of identity outside the relationship

• You have a history of being a caretaker

• You have low self worth

• You have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries

• You find it hard to trust yourself and others

• You have a history of avoiding conflict

• You are afraid of being rejected or abandoned

• You feel taken advantage of 

What are some ways I can work toward being less codependent? 

The first step toward becoming less codependent in a relationship is to recognize that the codependence is there. You can’t change anything if you don’t know it exists. Take some time to notice your behavior and your partner’s behavior for a while. Maybe keep track in a journal and note times when you put your needs last. 

Codependence is also associated with low self-worth. Working on increasing your sense of self-worth can go a long way toward making you feel like your needs matter in relationships. When you take care of yourself first, you teach yourself that you’re your first priority. It will take time to undo the lifetime of feeling like you have to put yourself last, but it gets easier with practice. 

If you’re concerned that you’re in a relationship that’s become codependent, working with a therapist can help you find ways to begin prioritizing your own needs again. Get in touch with our office today to start working with one of our therapists. 

Listening to Your Intuition After Trauma

Trusting your intuition after something traumatic has happened to you can be extremely difficult. 

Oftentimes after trauma, we don’t trust ourselves at all. We feel a false sense of responsibility for what happened to us–like if only we had been on the lookout for warning signs, we could have prevented it. This sort of thinking can make us what is known as hypervigilant.

Okay, what is hypervigilance? And how does it impact our intuition? 

Hypervigilance is a state of extreme alertness, and often a symptom of PTSD. When you are hypervigilant it means you are constantly evaluating your environment for potential threats–and frequently responding to threats you perceive that may not really be there. In this state of extreme alertness, normal things that are not actual threats to your safety (physical, emotional, mental) are interpreted as threats, even if all they are is minor discomforts. 

This of course has a huge impact on your day to day experience. Experiencing this sort of endless hypervigilance can:

• heighten your anxiety

• make you feel physically more tense/sore/achy

• affect your sleeping habits

• affect your appetite 

So it is hard to live in a state of hypervigilance. It is basically like living, constantly in fight, flight or freeze mode. Recognizing that is an important beginning step as you heal: What you are doing takes so much strength, and even if others can’t see it, you deserve to have that acknowledged. Be kind to yourself through this process of healing, even if it doesn’t go as quickly as you would like it to. Anything you’re feeling is okay; whether you’re disheartened or frustrated or angry or sad. There is no wrong way to feel, but remember this is only temporary.

So, the first step to healing your relationship to your intuition after trauma is to promise to be gentle with yourself.

It will likely be a slow process, that will happen gradually as you work through what happened to you and do other healing work in therapy. Being hypervigilant will not disappear overnight, but you can begin to pay attention to your body's cues, to learn them and start to distinguish between fear and hypervigilance and your intuition or “gut feelings” again.

Getting in tune with your intuition again: 

Don’t rush it!  

After experiencing trauma there’s often an internal sense of “I should just get over it” or “it wasn’t that bad” or “I’m overreacting” or “I should be over it by now.” But none of these thoughts are true or helpful!  There is no timeline on healing, so there is no wrong amount of time for you to “get over” something. And it is always better to heal slowly than to sweep over something and leave the wound ignored or dealt with insufficiently. 

Change your goal.

The goal isn’t going to be figuring out what is fear and what is intuition at first. While eventually you want to be able to know when you’re being triggered so you can self soothe or get some support in the moment rather than react to every perceived threat (when there may not be one), to start that’s not realistic! It’s too many steps at once. 

Instead start by not focusing on whether your  feelings are rational or not or whether the danger you're feeling is "real" or "valid"–but noticing when those feelings pop up at all. It’s actually okay to protect yourself more than “necessary”–this is something many people struggle with. It is not your responsibility to live as though you haven’t experienced a trauma when you have. It’s just your job to notice your feelings thoughtfully and explore what they mean for you–and to keep yourself safe as you do so.  

The feelings you’re experiencing do have a real impact on you, so responding to that fear is perfectly normal. These extreme responses will come up more often than before but they will slow and settle as you heal. The point isn't to shut those reactions off but to learn to tune in and notice what you're feeling when you feel it

Notice what you’re feeling!

When instances like this(feeling triggered, responding to a perceived threat, etc.) come up, don’t try to shove your feelings away because they’re “irrational.” Instead, ask yourself: 

• What am I feeling?

• Where did this feeling come from?

• Was there something in my surroundings that triggered it?

• Where in my body do I feel this feeling?

Get familiar with your responses.

Eventually you will be able to distinguish between your intuition or “gut” telling you something, and your past trauma being triggered and putting you on high alert. Getting in tune with your emotional responses, and taking time to notice will help to facilitate this. 

Many people, even those who haven’t experienced something traumatic, struggle to tell the difference between their fear and their intuition. It takes time and practice to be able to recognize which one is speaking to you. A general rule of thumb is that if it is your intuition, it will provide a feeling of calm groundedness, whereas fear and hypervigilance feel emotionally charged, urgant, and focused on uncontrollable what if’s. 

If you’re looking for more support as you heal your relationship to your intuition after experiencing a trauma, one of our therapists can help support you. Contact us today!

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

What Forgiveness Is and Isn’t

How do you feel about forgiveness? We’ve all been hurt by someone. People are all different, and so what is hurtful to them will also differ from person to person. We tend to see forgiveness as a one-off event, but it’s actually a process that can bring up complex emotions. 

What forgiveness is 

Forgiveness might mean different things to different people, but in general it is “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it”, according to UC Berkeley. 

Being upset and hurt isn’t a great feeling. One way that some people relieve those feelings is to practice forgiveness. The act of forgiving someone who hurt you may come with benefits. Some people who practice forgiveness find that it helps to lower feelings of anxiety and hostility, healthier relationships, and improved self-esteem. Certain folks may find that forgiving is helpful to their healing, and others might find that it doesn’t make much of a difference. 

When you’re upset, it’s tempting to ruminate on the negative feelings like anger, betrayal, confusion, and sadness. Some people find that the process of forgiveness can help relieve those negative feelings and allow you to focus on more positive things. 

Forgiveness is a process

It’s unlikely that you’ll go from being resentful toward someone to forgiving them all at once. Part of forgiveness is working through the feelings of hurt and resentment that you feel, and that takes time. You may find that things you thought you had moved past still cause distress for you, and the process may seem to go backwards. If that happens, there’s nothing wrong with you. Forgiveness takes time and work and you don’t have to go any faster than you’re ready for. 

Forgiveness is hard

Forgiveness is an emotionally charged concept. We have a lot of preconceived notions about what forgiveness is, but these aren’t always true. It can bring up some uncomfortable feelings or memories, and it may make you feel anxious or depressed when you think about it. It may be helpful to journal about what forgiveness brings up for you so you can start to make sense of patterns and beliefs, and get more familiar with the messages your emotions are sending to you. 

Forgiveness is personal

Forgiving someone is a personal choice that you make yourself. Sometimes, other people may pressure you to forgive someone, but that is not their choice to make. Forgiving someone for hurting you involves a lot of tricky, emotional work, and only the person doing that work can make that choice. 

Forgiveness is for you, not them 

Forgiveness is about the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. Forgiveness can be an opportunity to release the hurt you’ve been carrying and move forward. It’s hard to be in pain. It’s uncomfortable, and feeling consumed with negative thoughts and feelings is tiring. Forgiving others can be a chance to move past the hurt and toward a sense of peace. 

What forgiveness isn’t

Forgiveness is a lot of things, but it’s also important to remember what it is not. Here are some things to keep in mind about forgiving: 

Forgiveness is not forgetting 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget what happened. When you forgive someone, you are choosing to release your feelings of hurt or resentment, but that doesn’t have to wipe your memory clean. It’s okay to remember that you were hurt, and keep it in mind when interacting with this person. Remember, forgiving just means that you release your feelings of resentment - not that you pretend it never happened. 

Forgiveness is not approval

Similarly, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. Approval has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can forgive someone and know that what they did was not okay. You may be able to have empathy for where they were coming from, or understand that everyone makes mistakes, but you don’t have to approve of what happened. 

Forgiveness is not trust

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to trust them again. Trust is something that is built and maintained between two people. It’s certainly possible to rebuild trust with someone, but both parties need to be on board. It’s okay to choose not to trust someone who has harmed you. It’s okay to wait until they’ve shown you they’ve changed or that they are committed to rebuilding your relationship before you even put trust on the table. Take it at your pace.

Forgiveness is not passive

Forgiveness takes work. Some hurts heal with time, but most of the time, we have to work through them. Forgiveness requires us to honestly reflect on the ways in which we were harmed, and that can be difficult or even traumatic. If you find that you’re having a hard time with the idea of forgiveness, you may find that talking about it with a therapist can help give you new perspective. Therapy is a safe place to explore the ins and outs of what happened, how it affected you, how the other person has tried to repair things, and where to go next.

Forgiveness is not required

It’s also important to note that forgiveness is not required. It’s helpful to understand what forgiveness is and isn’t so that you can make an informed decision about whether forgiveness is the right choice for you. You are under no obligation to forgive someone who harmed you, even if people tell you otherwise. Forgiving someone doesn’t make you a better person or magically heal you. It can make you feel less resentful and give you some closure, but that’s not the case for everyone. 

A therapist can help you decide if forgiveness is right for you and your situation and help you process your feelings about this process. If you’re interested in talking to someone, contact us today. 

Who Can Benefit from Inner Child Work?

What is your inner child?

We’ve talked about it a bit before. If you don’t know, here’s how we’ve described it in the past: 

“Your inner child is exactly what it sounds like: it is you, the younger version of you, still inside of your mind. Imagine that as you grow, you are not outgrowing past versions of yourself, but rather growing around them. So they are still there, inside of you.” 

So, essentially, you are every age you’ve ever been, all at once! While that may seem obvious, it often gets overlooked even as we develop our own self care routines. While we may be caring for our present, adult selves, we don’t necessarily think to care for the child version of ourselves that lives within our current self. 

That work or caring for the childhood version of yourself is called inner child work. 

Oftentimes inner child work is talked about through the lens of healing childhood trauma–wounds we have obtained in childhood often go unhealed into adulthood. And those untended wounds can impact our mental and emotional health, our relationships, etc. 

Inner child work involves getting in touch with your inner child's desires, needs and wounds, and finding ways to reparent yourself in order to meet those needs and heal those wounds. This is also something we’ve touched on before. If you need a refresher as to what it means to reparent your inner child, here is a quick recap: 

If growing up you didn’t feel safe and loved and listened to, then because of your inner child, there is still a part of you holding onto that fear. As the adult you are now, you are able to identify what in your inner child needs healing, and then provide them with it. This is how you work as both parent and child within yourself.  You are the child, hurting. And you are the parent, helping them heal. 

What if I don’t hate my family?

Inner child work can be painful, and often brings up very complicated feelings about your family, as it is about getting in touch with your own unmet needs. But inner child work isn’t just for people who hate their families or don’t want relationships with them. (In fact inner child work can often help to heal those tumultuous relationships, and allow for deeper intimacy). 

So inner child work isn’t about blaming or hating your family. It’s about identifying needs you had that weren’t met and wounds you suffered that have yet to heal. It’s about you finding the spots where you need extra care and giving it to yourself, not about condemning the relationships you have in your life.

People who have both positive and negative relationships with their families can engage in inner child work! Inner child work is about empowering yourself to act as your own parent, and give yourself permission to meet all of your needs. This is something that can be done on your own, or with external support from your family–because it’s not about fixing them. It’s about recignizing the ways in which you can move forward, and serve yourself. 

How do you know if your inner child needs support?

It probably does! Most of us have unhealed wounds from childhood. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve suffered a trauma that you haven’t processed yet–but plenty of small things stick with us when we’re children and into adulthood. You might be surprised to learn that there are wounds you’ve been ignoring. 

And even if you don’t have wounds that need healing, it can be an act of self care to tap into your inner child and play with them! Adults benefit from playtime too!  Inner child work can help you tap into that sense of playfulness you might not engage with as frequently as an adult. 

If you’re looking for more support as you explore your inner child, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Contact us today!

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

Have you ever heard the term “coping skills” and wondered what that means? Coping skills are pretty popular these days as a buzzword on social media and health websites. There are lots of great tips out there on how to use coping skills, but it’s harder to find information out there about what coping skills are and why we develop them in the first place.

Coping skills are strategies or tools that you can use to manage stressful or distressing situations. Coping skills let you decrease your level of stress and handle difficult emotions in a way that maintains your sense of internal order. 

Most of us have coping skills in one way or another - getting through life is hard, and we all need ways to support our journey.

Coping skills or strategies are a way to manage stress both in the moment and long-term. Stress can cause all kinds of negative problems, like irritability, heart problems, and sleep disturbances. 

Coping skills offer options for getting through moments of distress until you can find a safe place to process what’s going on. It’s not always feasible to feel and process everything you need to in the moment, especially when emotions are heightened. Coping strategies let you get through the moment until you’re able to find a safe place, like a therapy session, to unpack the situation. 

Coping skills come in two basic forms, problem-based and emotion-based. Some people also conceptualize coping skills as being short term, to get you through the moment, or long-term, to help maintain balance in your life. 

As the name suggests, problem-based coping skills come up when there’s a problem or situation that you need to deal with. Problem-based coping skills can also be useful for long-term coping. For example, if you find yourself chronically tired, a problem-based coping skill would be to develop a nighttime routine that works for you. It may take time to implement, but establishing the habit of getting a good night’s sleep can help prevent future stresses from overwhelming you. Emotion-based coping skills allow you to take care of your feelings when things are out of your control or when you’re overwhelmed in the moment. 

Someone who grows up in an emotionally abusive home would probably rely more on emotion-based coping strategies. Since the person being abused has no control over the abuse, emotion based coping skills can help them deal with the abuse until they can escape it. However, problem-based coping skills may be helpful to them when they are at an age where they can leave the abusive home. 

Here are some common coping strategies that people use to deal with tough situations: 

• Negative self talk

• Catastrophizing or other cognitive distortions

• Worrying

• Escaping through books, media, and imagination

• Self-soothing with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc.

• Compulsive behaviors like shopping or gambling

• Numbing out with alcohol or drugs

• Getting too much or too little sleep

• Self-harm

• Reckless behaviors, like driving too fast

While all of these coping skills can provide relief in the moment, these are not all supportive habits in the long term. Sometimes, the coping skills we use to protect ourselves get out of control. This can happen when folks rely on things like substances to cope, for example. 

Lots of times, people refer to certain coping skills as ‘healthy’ or “unhealthy”, although more helpful terms might be supportive or unsupportive.

Many of us developed coping strategies to get through hard times, like trauma or mental illness. Those coping skills allowed you to survive. It’s okay if you had to use coping skills that aren’t supportive long-term. Whatever coping skills you’ve had to use in the past, they’ve allowed you to keep going to where you are today. There’s nothing to be ashamed of! 

Although the coping strategies you’ve used up until now  might not be ideal for you currently, you are don’t have to view them as unhealthy. You can instead decide that you’re looking for coping strategies that are supportive of where you are right now, instead of relying on ones that have gotten you to this point so far. You can even go so far as to thank your old coping skills for helping you stay alive until now. If you’re looking to find some new coping skills that are more supportive of where you are now, you have options. 

It can be helpful to have a list of coping skills ready to go for a time when you’re feeling distressed or overwhelmed. When you’re in the moment, it can be hard to think clearly, especially when you’re upset. Having a list handy helps take away the need to come up with ways to support yourself, so you can just jump right in to using your coping strategies. 

Here are some coping strategies that you may find more supportive long-term:

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Grounding techniques

• Breathwork

• Meditation or mindfulness practice

• Taking a bath

• Spending time outside 

• Cooking or baking

• Being creative

• Gardening

• Gentle physical movement

• Playing with a pet

• Listening to music

• Drinking a warm beverage

• Reading 

• Setting boundaries

• Going to therapy

If you’re looking for more support as you explore your coping skills and establish new ones, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Unpacking your history of coping skills with a therapist can be a helpful way to identify what’s working and what isn’t! 

How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion

How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion

By Jamie Glidewell, LICSW, LCSW-C, LCSW, APHSW-C

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens” ~Pema Chodron

We will all weather the different storms that grief brings to us across our lifetime.  Grief is certain and inevitable and it can be an intense, emotional, scary and difficult experience and it can bring a multitude of emotions and a host of physiological symptoms and side effects as well.

To complicate our personal and unique experiences of grief, we live in a society that is generally dismissive of the grief experience which can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation.

If there was ever a time to be kind to ourselves, it would be during the different seasons of our grief.

However, it is not uncommon that we become highly self-critical and particularly unforgiving to ourselves while we are grieving.

Common critical thoughts or sentiments that come up are worries that we are grieving incorrectly, that our grief is taking too long, that something is wrong with us, that we handled things poorly with our loved one, dwelling on what could have been different, thinking about the things we should or shouldn’t have done, the list goes on. Some complicated feelings that can accompany our grief are feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, and regret; any combination of these emotions can exacerbate grief and also impact anxiety, sadness and depression.

Softening the hard edges of grief

There is not an antidote for grief but there is an approach that can soften the hard edges of our grief. This approach entails meeting yourself with kindness and self-compassion.  The goal is not to push aside, dismiss or ignore your feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame or regret.

More so, it is to treat yourself and talk to yourself in the same way that you would a trusted friend.  It is showing up for yourself amidst your pain and allowing yourself to hold two things at the same time. For example, it is acknowledging that you may feel guilty for the way you spoke to your loved one before they died, while also holding the truth that you are human and were doing the best you could at the time.

What exactly is self-compassion?

Does this sound too vague or ambiguous at first glance?  It may help to pause here and take a deeper dive into understanding what exactly is self-compassion.  Dr. Kristin Neff has spent her life’s work researching self-compassion and creating a base of knowledge that supports the understanding that self-compassion can increase motivation, happiness, self-worth, can foster resilience, and reduce psychological distress (Neff & Germer, 2018).  There are three components to self-compassion, and they include self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff & Germer, 2018):

1. Self-compassion relates to being able to sit with the discomfort of our pain and suffering without resorting to self-judgement, criticism, blame; it relates to being able to meet these difficult and dark moments with our eyes and hearts open and with a tone of sympathy and kindness; talking to ourselves the way we would a friend or loved one. 

2. Common Humanity relates to understanding and embracing the idea that we are imperfectly human and that part of this human experience involves the inevitability of pain and suffering. Common humanity reconnects us to each other during these difficult times instead of falling into the trap of withdrawal and isolation.

3. Mindfulness involves cultivating and maintaining an awareness of how we are doing and what we need in this moment and the next. It involves recognizing the feeling and sitting with it, essentially riding the waves of emotions as they come. This encourages a more balanced approach that doesn’t dismiss what we are feeling and also doesn’t exaggerate it.

How to put self-compassion into action with grief

Given that self-compassion involves kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, the question becomes how to best apply it to your experience of grief. Below are some helpful ways to meet grief with compassion

• Meet your grief with kindness. 

  • Be curious about what you are feeling and look out for the roadblocks of guilt, blame, shame and try to recognize the ways these emotions are impacting your overall experience with grief.  Realize there is room for forgiveness, even self-forgiveness in grief.

• Remember that suffering and grief are both an important and inevitable part of being human.

  • Remember that you are not alone in these painful moments.  Community can be a helpful way to process your grief and support groups (in-person, virtual, online, or through social media platforms) can bring deep meaning, connection and a felt sense of being understood. You will learn, and grow and change around your grief and even if you can’t feel this right now, trust your fellow humans who are right here beside you.

• Be present in your grief.

  • Ride the waves of grief as they come and trust that by sitting with the pain and difficult emotions it will allow the room you need to survive what sometimes feels intolerable and insurmountable.  By being mindful of your emotions you can also be attentive and caring to yourself, this circles right back to self-compassion and offers the opportunity to be gentle, sympathetic and kind to yourself as you grieve.

This approach encourages clarity and perspective that informs a gentler approach through your grief and actually increases the resiliency to feel the intensity of the emotions such as sadness and longing without them being overshadowed or squashed by the shame or guilt. Spending less time beating yourself up gives you more space and energy to grieve and take care of yourself while grieving. 

Expressions of self-compassion

Sometimes people ask how exactly they can express self-compassion to themselves; in other words, how they can practice self-compassion each day. Some specific expressions of self-compassion include the following:

• Trusting yourself

• Giving yourself permission to grieve fully and deeply

• Slowing down

• Remembering to breathe

• Allowing yourself to rest

• Giving yourself grace when you struggle with focus, motivation, attention (or anything else, as things that were easy before the loss may be wildly difficult or unavailable to you right now)

• Finding a creative outlet

• Letting people know what you need from them

• Practicing self-forgiveness

• Being kind to yourself! Watch out for the self-criticism. Rather than beating yourself up about things, instead simply notice self-critical thoughts and release them when they come back around (as they naturally will). 

• Physical acts of self-compassion: placing a hand on your heart and feeling the warmth and pressure of your hand, giving yourself a hug, squeezing your hands together.

Above all, be patient with your grief and be patient with the journey towards self-compassion.  They both take time and self-compassion takes practice.

References: Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2018).The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. Guilford Press.