6 Ways to Build Self-Respect

Do you respect yourself?

Self-respect is one of those buzzwords that you might hear about often, but it’s one that can get lost in the shuffle of self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, and other self-focused beliefs. All of these beliefs have a role to play in mental wellness, especially self-respect.

What is self-respect?

Having self-respect means that you value and accept yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you. Self-respect is like the foundation of all of your other self-beliefs, because it’s generally unchanging. 

When your self-respect is low, you might think that there’s something wrong with you, or that you don’t bring any value to the world. When your self-respect is high, you recognize that who you are and what you care about matters, and you offer that sense of acceptance to yourself, no matter what happens. 

How is it different from self esteem or self worth?

Self-esteem is about having a high regard for yourself. Having high self esteem means that you think highly of yourself and love who you are as a person, which is very important! It is, however, different from self-respect. Self-worth is believing that you are loveable, no matter what other people think. Believing that you are loveable can play into how much you value and accept yourself, but it is not entirely the same. Self-esteem and self-worth are often influenced by outside factors, like other people, whereas self-respect is more internal. 

Why self-respect matters 

Having a strong sense of self-respect can be protective in times of uncertainty or stress, because you know that you have your own back. 

If you struggle with self-respect, you might find it harder to understand and live in alignment with what matters to you. You might find yourself bending your boundaries and trying to please everyone, instead of saying no when you need to. You might feel like you can’t make decisions or that you don’t know what matters to you. Feeling this way can add to distress when you're upset or under stress. 

Whatever your current level of self-respect, there are ways to increase it. Start here: 

Understand your values

One of the ways to start feeling more respect for yourself is to understand what means the most to you. What matters, and what doesn’t? What do you value, and what do you not care as much about? 

When you understand what the core values are that matter to you, it’s easier to try to live in alignment with them. It will be easier to know what a yes feels like to you and what a no feels like. 

Try to live in alignment with your values

When you live in alignment with your values, it means that you do your best to prioritize those values, and make decisions based on those values. You don’t need to be perfect, but when you’re making decisions, try to consider what’s important to you. Would one choice line up more with your values? Do what you can to practice what’s important to you. 

Be kind to yourself when you do things that are out of alignment with your values

Remember to be kind to yourself, even if you do something that doesn’t line up with your values. We all do things that aren’t in alignment with our values from time to time. It’s a part of being human! Remember that even if you do something that doesn’t line up with what’s important to you, you can always learn from that experience. 

You can consider what made it hard to stick to your values, and how that might impact you in the future. You can make a plan for the next time something like this comes up, so you know what you want to do. Even people you respect can let you down occasionally, but that doesn’t mean you need to change how you feel about them entirely. Offer that kind of grace to yourself. 

Keep your promises to yourself 

It’s hard to respect people who let you down, so do your best to not let yourself down. Work on keeping the promises you make to yourself. Set the boundary, work on that new habit, or do whatever it is that you have told yourself that you would do. 

Knowing that you can rely on yourself to meet your needs can make a huge difference when it comes to building self-respect. Over time, all the little things will add up, and you’ll see how good it feels to know you can count on yourself, no matter what. 

Listen to the people who love you

We’re almost all harder on ourselves than we should be, and that can make it hard to notice all the good things about ourselves. It can be helpful to listen to what the people who care about you have to say. They probably notice things about you that you don’t always pick up on or dismiss easily. While your sense of self-respect doesn’t come entirely from how other people see you, it can help to remind you of what a good person you are, especially when you’re having a tough time remembering. 

Work on living a life that you enjoy

At the end of their lives, people have some common regrets: that they spent too much time working, and not enough time doing the things they enjoyed; that they should have stayed closer to their friends; that they should have lived a life that was true to themselves, instead of doing what others expected of them; that they wished they had the courage to express how they felt; and that they wish they had let themselves be happier. 

Think about how you’re living your life right now. Do you think any of these regrets will ring true at the end of your life? One way to help prevent having those kinds of regrets at the end of your life is to work on living a life that you enjoy and that brings meaning to you. 

Building a life that you enjoy is the ultimate way to show that you respect yourself. It means that you know what’s right for you and you’re not afraid to go for it, even if others question it. It means that you take care of yourself when you need it. It means that you say no when you need to, and know that the people who love you will still be there. 

Building self-respect takes time, and it can bring up lots of feelings. If you’re looking for more support as you work on how you feel about yourself, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are currently accepting appointments, so contact us to get started today. 

How (& Why) You Should Get Clear on Your Values

Why is it important to know our values? 

There are many reasons it’s important to know what your values are; but the biggest is that there is no one path that your life is supposed to follow. So knowing your values helps you to determine what that path should be for you. While there are a lot of social pressures to follow a specific path (go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc.) the path you’re on should be based on your values. That “traditional” path is good for some, and not the right fit for others, and there’s no right or wrong choice. 

Being clear on what your values are helps to make the process of making decisions easier. 

Because there’s really never a “correct” choice when it comes to what path your life can take, decision making can feel impossible, especially if you struggle with anxiety. It can seem like there is a lot riding on every decision!  When you can base your decisions on your values you can be confident you made the choice that aligns with how you want your life to look, even if you need to take corrective action later. 

Making decisions based on your values also helps to take the moralizing out of decisions–there’s no “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” choice. It’s just identifying which choice fits best with your values! It’s alright if it’s a choice that doesn’t or wouldn’t work for someone else.  

And, it can help to ease anxiety when you’re in a new situation! 

Because even in situations where you are feeling anxious because you’re pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, you can rest assured you’ve made a conscious, intentional choice to try and manage that discomfort, as it aligns with the life you want and the values you have. 

3 Ways to Get Clear on Your Values: 

Start with a list: 

One way to get clear on your values is to just start with a list of common values. That one linked is a list of the world’s most influential values–meaning the values that the majority of people globally identify as being the driving force(s) behind their behaviors. 

Look through the list of 56 different values–can you narrow it down to ten? Try not to overthink it–go through the whole list and circle a value as soon as it seems right to you, without thinking about how many you’re circling. Then, when you’ve gotten through the whole list, count how many you’ve circled. 

If it’s more than ten, see if you can narrow it down. Are there any that are similar? Are there any moments in your life where you’ve had to make a decision between one or the other? Which one and why? Think about what kind of person you want to be–what kind of individual, what kind of friend, what kind of partner, etc. Do any of the values you’ve selected contradict that? Cross those out. Continue this process until you get down to ten, and then count those as your (current) core values.

Think of a difficult time you got through: 

 How did you make decisions on what to do? What seemed most important and why?

Let’s say you were accepted into an academic program you want to participate in, but the cost of it means you can no longer afford to live on your own, or you will have to accept financial help from family. Here you have to consider which value is most important to you: education, or independence? And could one be achieved in another way?

For example, if independence is the stronger value, could you live on your own and do things like: take free online courses or local community classes, or listen to podcasts & read books on the subject you’re looking to further your education in? It’s a way to achive both that desire for independence without completely sacrificing a pursuit of learning.

Consider someone you admire: 

 Think of your friends, your partner, a relative, etc.  What drew you to them? What traits of theirs do you admire?

For example: Let’s say you have an aunt you always look forward to visiting. She has wonderful stories and always takes time to sit with you and talk, and you always leave wishing you could be more like her. 

Think about what it is about those visits that brings you so much joy. What about your aunt is exciting and admirable? What is it you want to be like? Does she have stories of all the friends she’s made or different places she’s visited? Maybe community and connection is one of your values. Does she push you out of your comfort zone? Perhaps the value there is adventurousness or curiosity. 

Remember your values can shift and evolve over time, so it’s important to check in with yourself about what you value. If you find yourself feeling unhappy or unsatisfied regularly after big decisions, it might be time to reconsider the values driving your behavior! 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

Finding Meaning When Life Is Scary or Confusing

 Finding Meaning When Life Is Scary or Confusing

It’s no secret that life for the past 18 months have been a lot different than any of us could have imagined. When life is scary or confusing (or both!) it can seem like it will go on like this forever. We’ve now spent the better part of 2 years putting our lives on hold because of the pandemic, which is still raging on. Tensions seem to be at an all time high. We’re all sick of the way things are, and we’re all trying to deal with it in our own way. Gone are the days when we all baked bread and stayed home - we all have had to find ways to move forward in this new reality, and that can be exhausting. If you’re feeling tired or numb right now, you’re not alone. 

When life is overwhelming, it can sometimes seem like there’s no point to anything. There is a sense of overwhelming hopelessness that can get out of control quickly. While there are plenty of things to be confused or concerned about right now, it is possible to still feel a sense of purpose.

Finding meaning can look different for everyone. Some people find meaning through creativity. Others use religion to make meaning of the world around them. Many people find meaning in their communities or in nature.When life is scary, restoring your sense of purpose can be a deep comfort. 

If you’re looking for ways to find meaning in life right now, here are 5 ideas: 

Join a community

Humans are social creatures. We are wired for connection! When things get tough, community can be a valuable resource for support. It might not be as easy to join an in-person community right now, but there are many options out there for virtual communities. Try local Facebook groups or Meetup groups. If there are any causes out there that are important to you, look into joining a community focused around that. Working together with other people who care about something as much as you do can go a long way to restoring your faith in humanity. 

Explore your values

When was the last time you explored what’s important to you? Values are what we consider to be important in life. Everyone’s values are different. Some people value privacy, and others prefer to share. Some people value promptness, and others are chronically late. There are a million different values that we can have, but it can be a helpful exercise to make a list of values that are especially resonant for you. Your values may shift over time, and that’s okay! Change is natural. That’s why it’s helpful to explore your values every so often, so you know what is important to you. Understanding your values can help you make decisions, come up with goals, and manage uncertainty. 

Try acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. For example, you might feel frustrated that you’re caught in a rainstorm. But spending time being frustrated that you’re soaked doesn’t do anything to change the fact that it’s raining. Accepting that it’s raining doesn’t mean you approve of the rain - it just means that it’s happening. When you stop struggling against something, sometimes it has less power. Instead of spending your time focused on what is bringing you distress, what would shift if you accepted it? 

It’s also important to note that acceptance doesn’t mean that nothing will ever change or improve. Acceptance just means you’re not struggling against reality. To follow the rainstorm example, acceptance doesn’t mean that it will rain forever. 

Check cognitive distortions 

Sometimes what your brain tells you is not the truth. We all deal with faulty thinking sometimes, but it can be distressing when we don’t realize it’s happening. When you notice yourself thinking in extremes or having distressing thoughts, take a moment to check your thoughts for cognitive distortions. 

Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that aren't true, but that we believe. They can sneak up in a number of ways - “should” statements, all or nothing thinking, personalizing minimizing, jumping to conclusions, and discounting the positive are just some of the ways that cognitive distortions can show up. Remember, thoughts aren’t facts! 

Get to know yourself

Have you gotten to know the new you? We’ve all changed over the last year and a half, and many of us are still getting to know these new versions of ourselves. Crisis and chaos can lead to shifts in the way that we interact with the world and with ourselves, so take some time to explore what’s changed for you over this time. Are your values the same, or have they shifted? Do you have the same friends? What’s been meaningful to you over the past 18 months? 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are to journal, go to therapy, get an assessment, practice mindfulness, and try new things. 

As mentioned above, people find meaning in all sorts of ways. Spiritual practices or religion may help you find the meaning you’re looking for. Other people find meaning out in nature or spending time outdoors. What makes you feel inspired and curious? Follow that thread to find meaning. 

If you’re still struggling to find meaning when life is scary or confusing, therapy can be a great option. A trained therapist can help you find insights and solutions that work for your specific situation so you can get back to feeling like your old self again. Get in touch today to book a session.