How to Be Okay With Saying No

Do you have a hard time saying no to others?

Saying no is an important skill, but it’s not always easy. If you struggle with saying no to people in your life, whether it’s your family, friends, or people at work, you’re not alone. 

Many people struggle to say no because they fear hurting others or they feel confident in saying no. It’s okay to say no, and learning how to say no is a skill that you can learn at any stage of life, even if you’ve struggled with it in the past. 

Why saying no is hard 

Saying no often makes people feel like they’re letting someone down or being selfish. 

Many folks struggle with people pleasing and the guilt that comes with having to tell someone something they don’t want to hear. 

It’s impossible to get through life without hurting someone else’s feelings. Living in community with other people means that at some point, there will be tension. Trying to not hurt anyone’s feelings at the expense of your own builds resentments and can take a toll on your relationships. 

It’s hard to set boundaries and say no if you never saw anyone do that as you were growing up. Many of us grew up mirroring our parents who never said no or set boundaries, no matter what the consequences. There are also some situations  like in abusive relationships, where people feel like they can’t say no or face serious consequences or danger. 

Whatever the reason, it makes sense that saying no is hard. You’re not a bad person if you have a hard time saying no - you’re actually in the same boat with a lot of other people! However, if you don’t say no to things sometimes, you'll find yourself burned out and resentful of the people in your life who ask so much of you. 

The benefits of saying no

It takes time to be okay with saying no, but there are a lot of benefits of learning this skill. Saying no can help you: 

• Establish boundaries

• Increase self-confidence and self-compassion

• Manage stress

• Lessen resentment and regret which overall improves relationships 

• Reach your goals by focusing on your needs instead of everyone else’s 

It can be hard to break out of a pattern where you feel like you can’t ever say no, even to honor your own boundaries. Here are some tips to help you feel comfortable and confident saying no. 

Get to know what a “no” feels like for you

Do you know what it feels like to say no in your body? Try to explore what it feels like in your mind and body when you say no to someone you care about. Do you have a gut feeling, or does it take time to sort out what you feel? Where do you feel the “no” in your body? Some people experience tightness in the chest or throat, upset stomach, or muscle tension. 

When decisions come up in the future, and you feel the sensations that you know are associated with a “no” for you, you’ll be able to recognize it. It will be easier to let people know what your answer is when you actually know it yourself. 

Consider yourself just as much as you consider others

This doesn’t mean you’re selfish! It just means that you consider your mental health, your energy levels, your values, on the same level that you consider others. For people who struggle with saying no, remember that you are allowed to prioritize your own needs the way you prioritize the needs of others. It can feel weird at first, and people who are used to you saying yes may struggle with new boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. 

Understand your values

When you know what your values are, it’s easier to make decisions. Your values help you decide what is important to you and why, and knowing this information about yourself helps you feel confident in your choices. It will be easier to say no when you are asked to do something that goes against your values when you understand what your values are. Getting clear on your values will help quiet your inner critic, increase happiness, and live a life that you’re proud of, even when you have to say no to people sometimes. 

Be clear and kind

Sometimes it seems nicer to try to soften the conversation by not saying no directly, and instead saying “Maybe” or “I’m not sure” when you really mean know. It’s absolutely okay to ask for more time to make a decision, but if you know the answer is no, it can be confusing and stress-provoking to say one thing and mean another. Being honest is kind, and being clear about what you mean can lead to fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

Start small

Being comfortable with saying no takes practice. You don’t have to start with saying no to something big or emotional - you can start smaller and build up to a big no over time. As you get more practice, you’ll feel more comfortable standing firm in your decisions and saying no when you need to. 

Do you have a hard time saying no? Working with a therapist can help you explore the reasons behind what’s going on and help you find ways to practice saying no in a judgment-free safe space. Send us a message today to get started!

What to Do When You’re Burned Out

Do you know what to do when you’re burned out?

Burnout is something that many of us are all too familiar with, especially since the onset of the pandemic. While many of us know on some level that we’re burned out, it’s less clear what to do when you are burned out. A complicating factor with treating burnout is that it leaves you feeling exhausted, depleted, and hopeless, which can make it harder to get started doing anything that will help you feel better. Coping with burnout doesn’t have to be complicated, though, and there are some simple steps you can take to start feeling better. 

What is burnout, anyway? 

Burnout is excessive and long-term stress. It’s easy to confuse burnout with stress, but they’re a little different. Stress is generally about a specific thing or situation, and it has an end. Burnout, on the other hand, is long-term. Burnout lasts until we do something about it, even if the situation that originally stressed us out has passed. 

Anything that causes lots of stress can lead to burnout. Some situations that can lead to burnout include:

• Being a caregiver or parent

• Struggling with relationship problems

• Having to work multiple jobs

• Being in a rigorous academic program 

• Having to deal with too much at work

What does burnout feel like?

Burnout is a message from your body that you’re doing too much, going too hard, and you need to listen before you cause serious damage. As you can imagine, it doesn’t feel good! 

Some of the physical and mental symptoms of burnout are:

• Feeling cynical, helpless, trapped, or defeated

• Getting sick more frequently

• Procrastination

• Struggling with self-doubt

• Problems with concentration or memory

• Being exhausted and drained all the time

• Coping with substances 

• Becoming more detached and isolated from the people in your life

• Feeling consistently bored or overwhelmed

• Irritability 

• Loss of motivation for things that are important or meaningful to you

• Frequent aches and pains (like headaches or stomach aches)

• Changes in appetite

• Shifts in your sleeping patterns

Why is burnout so common?

Burnout is common because our culture values work/productivity above personal happiness. Our worth is often tied to our jobs and how much we can produce. Being busy is rewarded and not being busy is seen as lazy. With inflation rising and the economic unpredictability from the pandemic, many people are working more than ever and having less time to recuperate. 

Being stressed for a long period of time is harmful, both mentally and physically. Our bodies aren’t meant to be stressed for months and months on end, and when they are, it can cause problems, from mood swings to health problems like heart disease. 

Dealing with burnout takes a two pronged approach of treatment and prevention.

Burnout always has a cause, but it’s not always easy to figure out what that cause is. Understanding the cause of your burnout can be key to prevent it from happening again. Figuring out what is making you feel burned out can help you focus on relieving the symptoms of burnout so you can make yourself feel better. 

What can you do to feel better right now? 

The first step to treating burnout is to ease the symptoms and start feeling better. It might seem like there’s nothing you can change, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes there’s not much you can do about a situation, but other times you can make changes that will help you feel better. Try approaching the problem after a few good meals and a good night of rest. When you’re feeling slightly less depleted, try to think about where the burnout is coming from. 

It can feel bad to have to cancel plans or to ask for help, but remember that you’re not meant to go through life alone. Even if you feel like you’re the only one who can do certain things, you deserve to have a break too. Go through what’s on your plate and cancel or reschedule a few things. Ask for help from the people in your community. 

It can also be helpful to let people know what’s going on with you so you don’t feel so alone. Most of us have dealt with burnout at some point, and it can be comforting to know that someone has gone through something similar and come out of it. 

How to prevent burnout in the future

Once you understand a little bit more about where the source of your burnout is coming from, you can work on strategies to prevent it from happening again. If you struggle with being assigned too much at work, you can work with your boss to clarify your job responsibilities and learn how to delegate. If you are burned out from caregiving, you can call in your support system and ask for help. 

Do you tend to be a people pleaser? When you struggle to ask for help, it can lead to burnout because you feel you have to take everything on yourself. No one can do everything alone, but it takes practice to feel comfortable asking for help from your support system. 

Make it a habit to celebrate what’s going right. Our brains naturally try to focus on the negative to keep us safe, but sometimes they overdo it. It takes effort to focus on the positive sometimes, but when you make it a habit to celebrate what’s going right, it can help you feel less hopeless about the future. 

Finally, it’s crucial to give yourself breaks. Schedule time off in your calendar. Take all of your vacation and sick days. Switch shifts with people to give yourself some time away. Say no to plans when you’re overwhelmed. 

The way that we work and live in the modern world is pretty tough, and it doesn’t give us a lot of time to ourselves. It’s important to take time off regularly and use it to replenish your energy. This is hard because a lot of us spend our free time running errands or completing tasks, not resting. It can take time to learn how to really rest in a way that replenishes you, but it is possible. 

What to do when you’re burned out and can’t take a break or change jobs

Work is a frequent source of burnout. While it can be fun to imagine just leaving your job and never coming back, that’s not always possible for people. Most of us need our jobs to keep the bills paid and keep a roof over our heads. If you’re burned out at work and you can’t take a break or change jobs, you’re not alone. There are some things you can do to help feel less burned out. 

Start with setting boundaries. Talk with someone you work for like a manager or supervisor and explain what you’re experiencing. Your employer should have an interest in supporting your mental health, because employees who are burned out aren’t as productive. Your productivity doesn’t define you, but it may be something your boss cares about. Using this logic can help persuade your boss to help take some things off your plate or find solutions where they can. Try to set boundaries like when you will respond to work messages or how much you can realistically handle. 

It may also be helpful to challenge your sense of urgency. Are the things causing you stress really urgent, or do you just feel like it is? Try to assess whether you’re pressuring yourself to do too much. Remember it’s okay to have boundaries, and not everything needs to be done right away. In most situations, what is happening is not an emergency, even if the people around us are behaving like it is. 

Finally, take good care of yourself when you’re burned out. Treat yourself like you would when you’re not well, because you’re not well when you’re burned out. Get enough sleep, eat enough food, drink enough water, take enough time for yourself, do things that make you happy, move your body, and spend time with people you love. 

Burnout is unpleasant, but it is treatable. Working with a therapist can help you cope with burnout and find solutions to prevent it from happening again. Get in touch with our office today to get started.

Are Your Boundaries Too Firm?

We know boundaries are important. 

They help us protect our energy, whether it’s our physical energy, our social energy, or our mental & emotional energy. They make it clear to the people we’re in relationships what our limits are (and, if you’re in a close relationship, usually why you have that limit) so that we can continue to show up fully in the areas of our lives that we really need to. 

There are many different types of boundaries to explore, things like: 

• What limits we have on our professional availability

• What makes us feel safe and comfortable in our bodies and homes 

• What personal details we’re willing to share in various social situations 

• What we need to navigate conflict

• How involved we’re comfortable being in the problems/relationships of others

• Etc. 

Basically, when setting boundaries you need to figure out what your limits are. What can you give (whether it’s time, space, money, compassion, energy, etc.) to others without wearing yourself out, overly depleting your own energy, or taking on too much of an emotional, financial or other type of burden? 

There’s a lot of conversation around setting boundaries. How do you decide what they are? How do you communicate them? How do you manage family boundaries? How can you reaffirm your boundaries?

But boundaries, like most things, require nuance. Think of them less like a fence surrounding and protecting you, and more like pillars holding up a structure.

They are crucial to the stability of your relationship, but they leave space open for others to come in. And when a boundary is violated, it is less like the fence surrounding you has been smashed, leaving you completely vulnerable, and more like one of the pillars holding up the structure of your relationship has been damaged. The entire thing doesn’t have to come crumbling down if you can work to repair what was hurt. 

When we’re too firm in our boundaries, we build the fence instead of those pillars–we don’t leave space for anyone else in the relationship. Someone may be granted entry behind the gates, but there is little room to move or grow once inside. 

Being too firm with our boundaries is tempting, and very easy to do.

It can help us stay somewhere we feel safe, knowing there will be no surprises, nothing uncomfortable, and nothing difficult to navigate. Unfortunately, when we live like that, we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow, and to realize we’re actually stronger than we think! If we don’t give ourselves a chance to work through something tough, we’ll never know we can, and we’ll always feel trapped by it. 

Boundaries that are too firm also prevent us from being able to really exist in intimate or close relationships. It’s important that when you set boundaries you’re not actually giving someone a demand or a set of rules for how to interact with you. Boundaries don’t tell others how to behave around you, they let others know what you need to feel safe. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to honor those boundaries. That means, if someone is doing something that you’re uncomfortable with, you can: 

• Have a conversation with them to explain why you’re uncomfortable, offer a solution to make you both feel better, and give them space to respond

• Remove yourself from the situation

Sometimes it’s easy to say that our boundaries are “don’t do X around me” but we can’t control anyone’s behavior but our own. When we reframe our boundaries as our own responsibility, it gives space for others to show up fully and get to know us with intention. 

Remember, your boundaries are a tool to help you feel safe with others, because feeling safe with others allows honesty and intimacy to flourish. If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

Reaffirming Your Covid Boundaries

Welcome to the New Year! 

As we enter 2022, it’s a good time to take a moment to pause and reflect on your boundaries. We’re still in a pandemic, so boundaries are something that have been shifting and changing for all of us over the last two years.

It’s natural for boundaries to shift and change over time.

And it’s not a sign that the boundary isn’t working or hasn’t served you. But as time goes on, much of our lives change! Even if we don’t notice it, as it happens gradually day to day, we’ve changed a lot in a year. And as we change, we need to consider which of our habits and boundaries are serving us, and which we should let go of. 

And, as Covid cases rise and fall, it’s important to know where your boundaries are, so you can make choices based on your own feelings of comfort and safety, and not based on what you think others want you to do. 

When was the last time you reconsidered your pandemic boundaries? You probably do it without noticing day to day, when you decide where you need to mask up, and where your risk is lower. But it’s always a good idea to take some time to really intentionally reflect on your comfort levels and what will make you feel safe as we continue to navigate this pandemic. That way you can feel confident when you need to communicate and enforce them, because you’ve taken the time to really understand your needs. 

Questions you can ask yourself to reflect on your Covid boundaries:

• What are the cases looking like in my local area?

• What are the recommended precautions in my area?

• How many people do I intend to see on a regular basis?

• Do I know (in general) how many people they interact with daily?

• Do I know who of my social circle is vaccinated? 

• Will I be around anyone who cannot get vaccinated?

• Do I have underlying health risks I need to be concerned about?

These are all questions you’ve probably asked yourself before. But taking time to sit with them again as circumstances change throughout the pandemic can help ease anxiety, as it’s a way for you to take control of what you’re able to, when so much else is out of your control. 

Now that we’re so deep into the pandemic, some of our boundaries are becoming more relaxed, so it can feel tough to reinforce firm boundaries.

It can be so hard to go back to strict boundaries after relaxing them a bit, especially if you worry it will offend your loved ones. But not sticking to your boundaries can make it even harder to enforce new ones when you need to. While it may be uncomfortable it’s important to communicate that your boundaries are not up for negotiation. 

If you need help figuring out how to word your boundaries as you communicate them, you can find examples here! 

If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

How to Gently Set Boundaries With Your Family

The holidays can be a fun time of year, but they can also be really stressful. This year more people are spending time with family than last year due to the pandemic, so if you’re feeling extra stressed at seeing family after a long separation you’re not alone. Families can be a great source of love and support, but there are always going to be interpersonal issues when you have a group of people. Complicated family dynamics can be a huge source of stress at the holidays, and setting boundaries with your family may help you navigate.

What are boundaries?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. People are sometimes offended when someone tries to set a boundary with them. That’s because boundaries are commonly misunderstood. Boundaries aren’t punishments or a precursor to a relationship ending. Boundaries simply help people protect their mental, emotional, and physical energy as much as possible.

You can set boundaries around anything that is important to you. Instead of driving people apart, boundaries often help people maintain their relationships with others (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) for the long-term. 

Boundaries help maintain long term connections with people. When you don’t have boundaries, you may find it harder to protect your energy and your mental health. Often, people with no boundaries find themselves giving to relationships far more than they get in return. Unbalanced relationships like these are a recipe for resentment, which isn’t good for any sort of relationship. Instead of getting to the point where you resent someone you care about, setting a boundary can help preserve that relationship. 

Why boundaries are needed at the holidays

Gathering with family is often more complicated in reality than in theory. Everyone has that relative who asks questions that are way too invasive, or who brings up an uncomfortable topic that changes the mood. After more than a year of isolating ourselves, lots of folks are traveling to see family in person for the first time in many months. While people have certainly missed their loved ones fiercely, it can be even tougher to psych yourself up mentally to deal with family drama after so much time away. 

Holidays are also full of food and drink. When people have some drinks, they might have a little less tact than they do fully sober, which can lead to misunderstandings or disagreements. The heightened emotions of getting together with loved ones after so long apart can also raise expectations to an impossible level, which can be intimidating or like you’re set up to fail. If you’re finding yourself worried about how you’ll cope during the holidays with your loved ones, setting some boundaries beforehand may help things go a lot smoother. 

Setting boundaries in advance gives your loved ones time to ask questions or adjust to what you’re asking. You can also potentially not have to set them face to face if you do it beforehand, which can be less nerve-wracking, especially if you historically have a hard time getting your family to listen to you. Sometimes typing out what you have to say in a text message or an email feels more doable than talking to someone you love face to face. Whichever way works for you is valid. 

It’s also important to note that you don’t have to set a boundary in advance for it to be valid. You can set a boundary at any time and expect it to be respected. However, setting boundaries in advance can help adjust everyone’s expectations accordingly. 

If you’re setting boundaries this holiday season, here are 4 ways to gently set boundaries with your family: 

Be as clear as possible

Brené Brown, who is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and resilience, has a popular quote that says “Clear is kind.” When you have something to say to someone, being as clear as possible is the kindest way forward. Even if you have something tricky to say or something that you know they won’t want to hear, being as straightforward as you can may lead to fewer hurt feelings overall. 

It can be tempting to hedge, especially when you don’t want to disappoint or hurt the feelings of someone you love. Although it’s tempting, beating around the bush or adding in a “maybe” can lead to misunderstandings down the road. Being direct can help you avoid miscommunication or confusion about your boundaries. 

Be firm, but kind

Boundaries are important, and they should be taken seriously. When explaining your boundaries to people, be as kind as possible, but also let them know that your boundaries are firm and you’re not open to negotiating them. For example, let’s say you’re headed home for the holidays and you’re nervous that your family is going to talk about your body or what you’re eating. A boundary you can set is “I know you mean well, but please don’t comment on any changes in my body shape or on what I’m eating when we see each other. Even though you don’t mean it that way, it makes me feel bad about myself.”  

Lots of times, boundaries also come with a warning of what will happen if the boundary is crossed. In the example above, you could close by saying “I hope you can respect this boundary, or I will have to leave.” 

Enforce the boundary, even if it’s awkward

One of the toughest parts of setting boundaries is enforcing them. It can be so hard to stick with what you said you were going to do when a loved one is upset with you. Not sticking to your boundaries, though, can open up a whole new set of issues. Your family members might try to cross more boundaries to see what they can get away with, or they might not believe you when you try to set more boundaries in the future. Enforcing the boundary not only reinforces it, but it ends the interaction so you don’t have to keep feeling distressed. 

Even if it’s awkward to enforce your boundaries, sticking up for yourself can help improve your confidence. Enforcing your boundaries is like keeping a promise to yourself, and repeatedly keeping promises to yourself can be a powerful self-esteem booster. 

Be open to other people’s boundaries

Just as you would want people to respect your boundaries, you should also respect theirs. It’s actually very helpful to have people set boundaries with you, so you know how it feels on the other end of the conversation. Boundaries can be a strengthening force in relationships if we let them. 

If you’re looking for help deciding what your personal boundaries are, talking it over with a therapist can help. Our expert clinicians can help you set and enforce your boundaries so you can protect your energy. 

Setting Boundaries: Why You Should & What to Say

What is a boundary?

A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. They are “bounds” we put on ourselves within different relationships to make it clear “hey this is my limit! That’s all I can handle before I need to rest/recharge/spend time alone/etc.” Boundaries are not punishments we use to keep people away from us. In fact, they kind of operate as the opposite! When we have healthy boundaries, we’re able to show up much more fully in our relationships–which will bring us closer to the people in our lives, not further away. 

There are several areas in our lives where boundaries are useful. These include: 

• Material: AKA your things. What is yours? What’s to share? What is sacred/special to you? How do you share? (can people take and let you know, do you want them to ask permission first, etc.) 

• Relational: AKA your interactions with others. This involves determining what’s appropriate in your different relationships. How personal are you within each relationship? How much of your time/energy/etc are you willing to devote within relationships? Who will you go out of your way for? Who can just pop over to your house? Who do you feel comfortable loaning money to? What forms of communication outside of in-person are you comfortable with? Do you have boundaries on who you follow/interact with on social media? Who are you comfortable sharing your address with? 

• Physical: AKA your space & body. This would be things like who comes over to your house, who is allowed in your bedroom, who has your address. It also of course includes boundaries regarding your body, like who can touch you, when you’re open to being touched by others, how you’re comfortable being touched, your personal space, etc. These boundaries are all about how people can behave around you and in your space. 

• Time: AKA your time–how do you want to use it? When you have obligation-free time, how much of that is devoted to social time, and how much is devoted to alone time? This can also cover how you tend to prioritize when hard choices come up and you can’t balance everything like you thought you could. For example, if something comes up that makes two obligations conflict with one another, how will you decide which to skip/reschedule/etc.? 

• Emotional: AKA your emotions -- how do you separate your feelings from that of another person’s? How will you take responsibility for your own emotions versus that of another’s? Or avoid letting another person’s feelings influence or dictate your own? 

Setting boundaries isn’t just deciding on your own limits and operating under the assumption that everyone will learn them as you go.

They are things that require clear communication in order to work! While the boundaries you set might be clear and obvious to you, you’re a unique person! What makes sense to you might not be what makes sense to someone else. When you’ve decided on a boundary, make sure you communicate it to the relevant people so that everyone has the opportunity to honor the boundary. 

Setting boundaries also often means needing to reinforce them. 

Whether intentionally or not, boundaries get violated sometimes! If someone slips up and crosses a boundary you’ve set, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. We all get a little scatterbrained sometimes, they may have momentarily forgotten the boundary you set with them. Just gently remind them of it, and let them know it’s something very important to you. 

Because discussing boundaries can make us feel so vulnerable, some of us have a tendency to react drastically when they are violated. There can be an urge to cut people off automatically–an attitude of “if they can’t respect my boundary they can’t be in my life.” Which is appropriate when a boundary has been repeatedly ignored or violated! However, if it’s the first time it’s happening, it likely was not done out of malice. Address the issue directly, and move on if there is no improvement.  

Below are some examples of ways you can begin conversations about boundaries: 

Setting boundaries: 

• “I’m open to you just dropping by, but please just text me when you’re on your way so I have a little notice. I want to be more flexible because I know it’s important to you but I will feel less anxious if I have a small amount of structure or routine.” 

• “There are a few groceries I paid for separately–please ask me before you use them, I bought them as a special treat for myself. Everything else we can share as usual.” 

• “Please ask me before you borrow my clothes. I’m happy to lend them to you, but sometimes I have plans and I want to wear certain things, so just ask me if I need the piece before you borrow it.” 

• “I’m not in a spot where I can loan you money right now, but I’d like to support you any other way I can. Is there anything else I can help take off of your plate while you manage this problem?” 

• “I’m happy you feel comfortable around me, but I’m not ready to move forward in our relationship yet. I’d like to go on a few more dates before kissing/going back to your place/labeling the relationship.”

• “I appreciate the invite! Since it’s last minute, I’ve already made plans with myself, but I’d like to see you sometime soon! When’s the next time you’ll be free for lunch?” 

Reaffirming boundaries:

• “I just want to remind you to please not discuss diets with me. I don’t find it appropriate for the workplace. If it’s going to be a topic of conversation please let me know so I can remove myself from the area.”

• “I’ve enjoyed dating you but if I have to keep reminding you to slow down like we’ve discussed, I can’t continue seeing you.” 

• “I just want to remind you that I don’t answer work calls/emails after X. You can leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you when I’m back in the office!” 

• “I’m a little frustrated because I’ve mentioned this several times before. If you continue to violate this boundary, I’m going to have to do what’s best for me and not spend time with you anymore.” 

• “I’ve told you before I’m not comfortable with that, please stop asking me.” 

• “Hey, just wanted to remind you that the groceries I marked and put away separately were ones I bought specifically for myself. I know we usually share, so I understand if you forgot! Just going forward if you could not eat those specific items I would really appreciate it.” 

If you need support setting and communicating your boundaries, we can help. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!