Parenting with Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain is challenging–and parenting with chronic pain is a challenge that feels like it comes with little support. 

Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. There are a lot of limitations that come with experiencing chronic pain that just aren’t factored in with typical parenting advice. This can make parenting–where your whole world is about your child, and you already feel a little removed from your “adult” social circles–feel even more isolating. 

The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network. 

In the meantime, here are 5 tips to help you show up as a parent with chronic pain: 

Set expectations with your child: 

In order to set reasonable expectations with your child, you need to be openly communicative, and come from a place of compassion. Remember, everything you just know is something they still need to learn, and probably learn more than once! Especially when it comes to your body and its limitations; unless they experience chronic pain themselves, kids tend not to be as bogged down by pain or fatigue as adults, so they don’t have personal experience to draw from when trying to understand.  Be clear about what type of pain you have, what you need to do or avoid to manage that pain, and when the pain is preventing you from participating in their play or activities, let them know what’s happening for you

Practice open and vulnerable communication: 

If you can practice open and vulnerable communication with your child you can set expectations with them about what your body can handle, and make space for their feelings. 

Remember, even if they know what you’re going through, they still may have hurt feelings about it. Let them know it’s okay when they’re feelings are hurt and assure them you’re not upset with them, punishing them, and that you wish you could be there how they wanted to. 

Normalize accepting help: 

While remembering that your role as parent is naturally going to make this exchange uneven, it can be beneficial for your child to practice offering and having their assistance accepted. Be sure not to slip into the habit of treating them as your caregiver, but if you let your child know what you’re struggling with and they offer some help (getting you a glass of water, finding the pain relievers you need, etc.) instead of saying no or that you can do it yourself, offer gratitude and accept the help! These small exchanges can help reach your child that asking for help can strengthen relationships, not weaken them, and that offering help–even in small ways–can provide support for loved ones. 

Tap into your support system: 

When you have low energy or high pain days, are their friends or family you can reach out to for support? Plenty of people in your community want an active role in your child’s life, and having secure intergenerational relationships with adults who aren’t their parents is good for kids! On days when you’re struggling, instead of feeling guilty each time you have to tell your kids you can’t play because you’re in too much pain, see if a loved one can take them for part of the day. Let them know you’re going to rest up while they’re gone and hope to feel a bit better so you can hear all about their day–and then an auntie or uncle can take them to a museum or a movie or a park or just spend time with them at their house. Normalizing this within your community of parents is also great, because it strengthens everyone’s confidence in asking for and offering help! 

Try to plan ahead for big events: 

If your child has their first school play, you want to be there! While flare ups are not always avoidable, there are often some things that can trigger or exacerbate them, and some things that are more effective than others in reducing and managing flare ups. Try to be extra conscious of these things around big events for your child, that way you can minimize the risk of flare ups happening unexpectedly when they want you to show up for them. 

If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness or parenting with chronic pain, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help. Reach out today to make an appointment! 

How Can My Therapist Help with My Chronic Pain?

How can my therapist help with my chronic pain?

Suffering from chronic pain, or having a chronic illness with severe physical symptoms might not seem like the kind of thing you can go to a therapist for, but a therapist can be a key element of your chronic pain management. 

While your illness or pain may be physically located in your body, that doesn’t mean it’s entirely separate from your mental health. In fact, mental and physical health are incredibly linked. So, when your mental health suffers, your physical health often suffers, and vice versa: 

You might have experienced swings in mood or energy when you’re not feeling well, and that can be exponentially more intense in the case of chronic illness. In fact, people with chronic illnesses are two times more likely to experience anxiety and depression than people who don’t have a chronic illness…In fact, it has even been suggested that depression is associated with inflammation in the brain, so increased inflammation in the body due to physical illness may directly play a role in depression. 

5 Ways Chronic Illness Can Affect Your Mental Health

So how can your therapist aid in your chronic illness management? Your therapist can help you… 

…unpack and unlearn feelings of guilt and shame: 

We live in a culture that prioritizes hustling, being self made, and never resting. Those goals are often impossible to achieve for folks with chronic illness. There is much more rest, many more limitations, and many more instances of needing help from others when you’re chronically ill rather than able bodied. 

But, because of imposed cultural values like self sufficiency and productivity, taking the rest you need, caring for your body in the way it requires, and asking for help when you need it can all bring feelings of guilt and shame with them. That will be complicated even more by your family history, your history within relationships, and your history of getting your needs met. Your therapist can help you find your way through all of this and help you reduce those feelings of guilt and shame so you can take care of yourself the way you deserve. 

…develop self compassion and strengthen your self worth: 

It’s difficult to learn to rest. It’s even harder to learn to be nice to yourself about resting or respecting your limitations. And it’s an additional challenge to unlink your self worth from your productivity. In therapy you can explore what you feel the root of your self worth is, get comfortable with the idea of your inherent worth as a person, and develop habits rooted in self compassion rather than shame. 

…manage increased stress:

Managing an illness or constant pain is stressful. Adding in the logistics of likely needing medication, various doctors appointments, the work it takes to plan outings ahead of time to ensure accommodations, etc. Learning to manage stress to prevent burnout is a key skill practiced in therapy that can benefit anyone, but especially those managing chronic illness. 

…practice communication skills for difficult situations:

With chronic pain, comes limitations. You might not be able to do everything your friends want you to do. You may feel left out when friends or loved ones don’t make accommodations for you. These types of situations necessitate uncomfortable conversations, which depend on strong communication skills. Learning how to let someone know your needs, and finding ways to express your feelings clearly can help to strengthen your relationships as you navigate chronic illness. 

…work through the grief & trauma of chronic illness: 

Life after a chronic illness is very different to life before a chronic illness. And, with any major change or loss, that can bring grief or feel traumatic to us. Instead of trying to ignore that grief, you can take time to honor it in therapy. Your therapist can help you identify what it is you’re grieving, and help you hold that grief and move forward without it controlling you.  

…navigate relationship changes and loss: 

Sometimes the relationships we’re in aren’t able to withstand the challenges that come with managing a chronic illness. Or, if they do, they look distinctly different than the relationship did before there was a chronic illness to manage. That can be a lot to take on between two people, and it’s common to need outside support. Whether as a couple, or as an individual, it can be great to work with a therapist to navigate the changes and losses in your relationships that come along with chronic illness. 

The majority of people in the United States will experience chronic illness at some point in their lives. Treating the whole person is an important way to improve a person’s quality of life overall. It’s critical to take into account mental health when discussing physical health and vice versa. If you are living with a chronic illness and you’re looking for support, we can help. 

How to Improve Sleep When You Deal With Chronic Pain

If you deal with chronic pain, you know how important sleep can be to helping you feel better. 

When you get a poor night’s sleep, your symptoms might feel worse. You might have a harder time regulating your emotions, and find it harder to complete everyday tasks. Improving sleep quality is often a process of trial and error, but it can be an especially important part of the chronic pain toolkit. 

Why is sleep so important?

Sleep is one of our basic biological functions, and we can’t survive without it. Sleep is essential to our physical and mental functioning. Sleep allows our bodies time to repair and to reset for the next day, and can even support our immune functioning. 

Chronic sleep deprivation can lead to serious health problems like diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. In addition, when you don’t get enough sleep, it can be harder to think clearly and to do the everyday things that are required of you. 

Chronic pain impacts many areas of life, and sleep is no exception. Chronic pain can make it harder to get comfortable enough to fall asleep, and pain can wake you up during the night, reducing the amount of sleep you get.

If you’re dealing with chronic pain, a good night’s sleep might feel impossible. Here are some things to try to improve your sleep when you deal with chronic pain: 

Talk to your doctor about sleep 

Sleep is a critical bodily function, and when you have sleep issues it’s best to make your doctor aware. That might seem overwhelming, especially as someone who deals with chronic pain and has to deal with many medical providers already. There are some medical interventions that can make sleep easier, though, so it’s important to bring it up with your primary care physician to see if there are any options that can help you.

For example, sleep apnea can make it harder to sleep deeply, and wearing a CPAP machine while you sleep can help you sleep more deeply. Get a sleep study done if possible. You can do sleep studies from home a lot of the time now. They may also be able to help you find a medication that works for you to help you sleep better. 

Use light filter settings on your devices

There’s a lot of advice out there about not using screens in the evening because of the exposure to blue light that interrupts sleep. However, it’s much easier said than done to put down your devices after a certain time. Has anyone ever actually stopped using their phone before bed? Sometimes that’s not reasonable. 

If you are looking at your phone or at a device before bed, try using the built in color filters that most devices have to help block out the blue light. You can also try wearing blue light blocking glasses if you don’t have a filter on your device. 

Develop a wind down routine 

Developing a routine that signals to your brain that it’s time to wind down can be helpful in improving your sleep. See how it feels to stretch, meditate, journal, or read as you wind down before bed. 

If you’re able to, taking a hot bath with epsom salts can help you become more sleepy and help with winding down. If you don’t have a tub, try soaking your feet in some warm water with epsom salts to help you begin to wind down. You can also try drinking a warm beverage, like tea (make sure to choose a kind of tea that doesn’t have caffeine) to help signal to your brain that it’s time for sleep. 

Try to stick to a general bedtime

Another way to help signal to yourself that it’s time to sleep is to stick to a specific bedtime. It can be hard to go to sleep at the same time every night when your symptoms are causing you pain, but over time it gets easier. It’s going to be hard to sleep when your brain is wired, so it might take some time to get to a bedtime that works for you. Try shifting things by 5 minutes at a time and work toward the time you’d ideally like to go to sleep. 

It’s also important to be kind to yourself when you can’t stick to that bedtime. Being hard on yourself isn’t going to make it any easier to sleep. 

Use pillows to help support your body

Waking up feeling worse than when you went to sleep isn’t a fun experience. Sometimes movement during sleep can help contribute to pain during the day. Try using pillows to help support you as you sleep. 

Consider using a neck pillow for neck pain or a body pillow to help keep yourself propped up in a way that won’t increase your pain. Some people also sleep with a heating pad or an electric blanket on the parts of their body that tend to cause pain. Some of them have timers so you can make sure it keeps you warm all night. 

Set up your sleeping place for success

Studies show that sleeping in a cooler room can help with getting deeper sleep, so try sleeping with your thermostat turned down a bit lower or with a fan on you. You can also try using white noise, either from a fan or a noise machine, to help create an environment where you can sleep. 

Something else that might help is to be able to turn your electronics or lights on and off from your phone or using a remote. That way, when you’re comfy in bed, you don’t have to get back up to turn off the lights. 

Use your pain relief toolkit

When you’re dealing with chronic pain, sometimes you need to try multiple ways to manage it so you can make it through the day and night. 

As someone with chronic pain, you probably have your go-to ways to manage your pain, like using a TENs unit or using a pain relief gel. See what you have on hand that can help make you more comfortable through the night. 

Are you looking for more support as you deal with chronic pain? Our therapists can help. We have therapists who can support you with chronic illness, chronic pain, &  medical stressors. Contact us today to make an appointment! 

What Does it Mean to Engage in Self Care When You’re Chronically Ill?

What does it mean to engage in self care when you’re chronically ill?

In general, self-care is the habits or practices you engage in in order to meet your emotional, physical and social needs. Unlike self soothing, which is concerned with providing comfort in the moment, self care is typically some sort of proactive care that has a noticeable effect on your life. It’s basically making sure you meet what you’ve determined to be the essentials for living a fulfilling, happy and healthy life. Some simple examples of self care are: 

• Establishing healthy sleeping habits

• Finding meals that are both enjoyable to eat and provide you with nutrients you need

• Carrying a water bottle around to make sure you stay hydrated

• Putting your prescriptions on auto-refill, or having them delivered to your house if that’s an option

• Taking a walk around your neighborhood

While self soothing often focuses on things that make you feel good in the moment–taking a long shower, a mindfulness exercise, watching a favorite movie, etc–self care is more about the long term maintenance of your wellbeing. Which means it's not always (or ever) a breezy, effortless thing. It can mean using up a lot of energy, both physical and mental, which is something chronically ill people don’t usually have in excess. 

So how can you realistically engage in self care when you’re also managing a chronic illness?

First, as we’ve said before, stop all or nothing thinking:

Life is rarely all or nothing. 50% is pretty much always better than 0%.

Getting started is often the hardest part, especially when the task itself is so massive it feels like even if you start you’ll never finish.  When you tell yourself “I don’t have to finish the dishes, I just have to start them” you’re easing that pressure. Chances are? You’ll realize doing the dishes isn’t actually that bad and you’ll just finish them. And if not? Then some of your dishes are clean now when they weren’t before! 

Your practice doesn’t have to be perfect all of the time. No one is keeping score at how well you’re taking care of yourself or what you’re falling behind on. 

Determine for yourself what you can maintain, and try your best to maintain it–and trust yourself to know when you need to just relax. 

Self care practice: keeping yourself nourished.

When you look up self care, so much advice is centered around food. And food is important! It keeps us alive! But the advice you often stumble upon when looking to take better care of yourself is to cook for yourself more. Cooking is a great way to practice taking care of yourself but it’s not always a realistic solution. Maybe you only have the energy to cook once a week. Or your live with too much pain to stand in a kitchen for a long time, so cooking is extremely rare. Maybe you’re so busy with different doctors appointments that you don’t have much time for grocery shopping or meal planning. 

Chronically ill approach: find your cheats. 

What are easy, filling foods you can throw together when you don’t have more than 10 minutes of kitchen energy in you? Make a list of things like this and use the components as the starting point for your regular shopping list. For example: a bag of frozen fruit & veggies, some yogurt, and juice can be quickly thrown together for a protein rich smoothie that takes little time and effort including prep and clean up. Consider your regular schedule and think of when you tend to have the most energy/feel the best. Is there a predictable time in your week where you could make time to cook? When you do, try to cook enough to yield leftovers so you can have another filling, low energy meal later in the week. 

Self care practice: move your body every day.

Physical wellness impacts our mental wellness and our overall holistic health, so it’s good to find ways to tend to it! While exercise is often a primary example of self-care, that can be tricky to navigate for chronically ill people. What if you’re in too much pain? What if your illness inhibits exercise? 

Chronically ill approach: but listen to it first.

At the root of the advice to move your body each day is the idea that your body’s needs deserve to be recognized and prioritized with regularity. This is actually very important for chronically ill people, even if it doesn’t show up in practice as exercise. Instead, it can be waking up and doing a body scan, assessing how you’re feeling, what your symptoms are–if any sort of gentle movement or stretching would be helpful or if other needs (taking medication, getting hydrated and fed, etc.) need to be taken care of first. And if you have the physical wellness to engage in exercise, remember it doesn’t have to be the aggressive, strenuous type of exercise we often associate with gyms and workout culture. It can be taking a long walk around your neighborhood, volunteering at a community garden, tending to your own house or yard, playing with a nibling, playing with a pet, etc.  

Self care practice: develop routines. 

Having dependable routines can be great! You can learn to prioritize your time and make room for everything you need to do and practice regular rest. But routines themselves depend on you having the same energy and interests all of the time–which is not really true for anyone, but fluctuating and unpredictable health or energy is a major obstacle in life with chronic illness. 

Chronically ill approach: but prioritize your needs over your expectations. 

If you have it in your routine to cook over the weekends because you usually have more time and energy to take care of yourself, but you suddenly get a flare up over the weekend, remember it’s more important to take care of yourself and what you need right now than to live up to the routine expectations you’ve set for yourself. If you push yourself to maintain routines through poor health, you only run the risk of feeling worse for longer. Instead, know when you need to show yourself some grace and let go of your to do list in favor of taking care of the needs pressing for your attention. 

Learning that you have a chronic illness diagnosis is often a life-changing experience. Chronic illness tends to impact every aspect of life, from work to leisure time to money to relationships. Remember, chronic illness is not your fault. If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

7 Blogs to Read if You’re Dealing with Chronic Illness

Living with chronic illness impacts your whole life. 

From your relationships, to your work life, to your self-image, chronic illness finds a way to influence everything. Many of us prefer to think that chronic illness is something we’ll never have to deal with, so it can seem jarring or even frightening to consider what our lives would be like if we dealt with chronic illness.

Part of the fear that comes from imagining life with chronic illness is that we live in a world that was not designed for disabled or chronically ill people to move through. We understand, on some level, how difficult it is to navigate a world that is at best indifferent to you and at worst hostile to your participation. 

When we understand more about the experience of folks living with chronic illness, it's easier to be empathetic and to extend compassion to others and to yourself. Studies show that six out of every ten adults in the United States are living with a chronic illness, so chronic illness is definitely not as rare as we might like to think. 

Especially in the wake of a mass disabling event like the Covid-19 pandemic, it’s important to consider what the world is like as a chronically ill person and what we can all do to make things a little easier on folks who do live with a chronic illness. 

To help make a difficult experience a little easier, we’ve gathered 7 of our blog posts related to living your best life with a chronic illness: 

The majority of people in the United States will experience chronic illness at some point in their lives. 

There’s no doubt about it - living with a chronic illness has an impact on your mental health because our mental and physical health is interconnected. Just because you don’t have to worry about chronic illness right now doesn’t mean that will always be the case.

It’s critical to understand the ways that chronic illness can impact mental health because the odds are that you will experience chronic illness at some point in your life, whether for yourself or through someone you love.

Read 5 Ways Chronic Illness can Affect Your Mental Health

Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain?

It’s not always easy to know how to show up for someone when they’re going through something serious or life-changing, like dealing with chronic illness or pain. It’s also difficult for folks who don’t live with chronic illness or chronic pain to really understand all the different ways that it impacts everyday life. 

Learning ways to be more conscientious about making plans and prioritizing accommodations for your chronically ill friends can make them feel safe and cared for, which is ideally how we want our friends to feel in our presence, right? 

Read How to Be There for A Friend with Chronic Pain

When you can have reasonable expectations for yourself & your limits, you can start to develop compassion for those limits. 

It can be frustrating as a chronically ill person to feel like your limits change from day to day. Your energy levels change, your symptoms shift, and it can be hard to find a routine that you can sustain for more than a few days. At times it can even feel like you’re working against your own body, which can feel heartbreaking and confusing. 

It’s important to learn how to be compassionate with yourself when you’re chronically ill. There are already enough things to deal with when you’re in pain or symptomatic without being hard on yourself on top of it. 

Read Developing Self Compassion While Living with Chronic Illness

Are you parenting a child with chronic pain?

Watching your child suffer is devastating as a parent. You might feel helpless when your child is in pain or stuck, like you don’t know where to turn for help. It’s also logistically difficult to parent a child with complicated medical needs, and parents of chronically ill children often feel isolated or burnt out. 

Finding ways to support both children with chronic pain and their parents as they navigate this complicated experience can help improve quality of life, even in the face of pain. 

Read 3 Tips for Parenting a Child with Chronic Pain

Since chronic illness is longer term than acute illness, it tends to ripple out and affect even more of people’s everyday lives, including their relationships. 

Unfortunately, the reality for many chronically ill people is that their relationships change after their diagnosis. There are lots of reasons why this happens, but it often feels extremely personal and painful. 

Many people don’t realize how isolating and exhausting chronic illness is, and since it’s a long-term condition, the impacts on relationships can be long-lasting. Practicing speaking up for your needs, setting boundaries, and practicing coping with grief can all help you navigate changing relationships in the aftermath of your chronic illness diagnosis. 

Read How to Cope With Losing Relationships as a Result of Your Chronic Illness

One thing that might surprise folks about living with a chronic illness is the amount of grief there is to navigate. 

Chronic illness has a way of changing everything about your life, from the way you relax to your job to your relationships. Major changes and upheaval in your life often lead to grief, and learning how to cope with that grief can make it easier to navigate. 

The grief that comes up in response to chronic illness can come from your changing relationships, the dream of what could have been if you hadn’t gotten sick, and even from the way the world treats folks with chronic illness. Learning how to move through the world in this new way takes time and lots of self compassion, and you’re not alone for feeling this way. 

Read Understanding Grief and Chronic Illness

If you suffer from chronic pain, the idea of body positivity might feel like asking a lot. 

It can be hard to feel positively about a body that is letting you down or causing you pain. Learning how to love your body and feel positively about it isn’t the only way you can have a healthy relationship with it, though.

You might need to practice readjusting your expectations and understanding your new limits. Remember that you and your body are worthy of respect and care, no matter what else is going on.  

Read Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with My Body Without Loving It?

If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness or dealing with body changes, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help. Reach out today to make an appointment! 

Understanding Grief and Chronic Illness

One thing that might surprise folks about living with a chronic illness is the amount of grief there is to navigate. 

In addition to having to deal with the physical reality of your illness, juggling medical appointments, and trying to find a way to make ends meet, chronic illness involves a lot of loss. Unlike a one-time event that leads to grief, chronic illness is a series of losses, over and over and over. The losses that come with a chronic illness or disorder are not a one time thing, which can make it even harder to cope with. 

Thousands of people in the US are newly dealing with chronic illness as a result of Long-COVID. It’s more important than ever to understand the reality of living as a chronically ill person, what that can look like, and how to cope with the emotions that come with diagnosis.

Why does chronic illness cause grief? 

The reason chronic illness brings up so much grief is because it completely changes the way you can live your life. Grief can come up in reaction to any number of situations in life, like moving, changes in finances, and relationship shifts. Sometimes dealing with chronic illness means dealing with all of those things at the same time. So many changes all at once is devastating and can make you question your sense of self. 

Change is often a huge source of grief, especially when the change is involuntary and not a choice you made. It’s always tempting to imagine the life you didn’t lead, or daydream what would have happened if you made a different choice, if you got that job, if you stayed in that relationship. The what-ifs in life are always going to be tinged with some grief, because there’s no way for us to have it all. When you’re chronically ill, those what-ifs might come up even more because of the changes that come with a serious illness.

In addition to the grief of losing what could have been if things were different, the number of changes that chronic illness often requires can bring up grief. 

When you are diagnosed with a chronic illness, it usually comes with major changes in what you can and can’t do. Some changes that often come up for chronically ill people include: 

• Changes in what you can or can’t eat

• Coping with medication side effects

• Shifts in your energy levels

• Arranging, getting to, and paying for endless doctor appointments

• Dealing with constant physical discomfort or pain

• Being treated differently

• Losing friends and relationships

• Losing mobility and the freedom that comes with it

• Worrying about money or insurance or both

• Finding accessible housing

• Shifts in physical appearance

It’s very normal to deal with grief as a chronically ill person. If you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness or are dealing with chronic health issues, here are 5 ways to cope:

Allow yourself to feel your feelings

It can be hard to find time when you’re dealing with a chronic illness between the demands of day to day life and the chaos of constant medical issues, appointments, and the like. You might feel tempted to push down the feelings that come up in response to your diagnosis because you don’t feel like you have the time to feel anything. 

Unfortunately, feelings need to be felt, and there are often lots of feelings that come up in response to chronic illness. Some of the emotions you’re dealing with might be: 

• Frustration

• Rage

• Sadness

• Confusion

• Fear

• Shame

• Guilt

• Relief 

• Despair

These feelings can be tough to deal with, but part of recovering from grief is allowing yourself to feel these intense feelings. Grief in itself is intense, and the emotions that are often underneath grief can be intense as well. Try to be as compassionate with yourself as possible while you let yourself feel your emotions. 

Emotions are normal. Feeling them is normal, even when it feels horrible. It might help to have some coping skills ready to go when you allow yourself to tune in with those intense feelings, like making sure you have someone you can call on for support or a few grounding exercises written out on notecards that you can follow when you’re getting overwhelmed. 

Work toward acceptance 

Acceptance of a chronic illness might sound like agreeing to be miserable forever, but that’s not actually what it has to mean. The idea behind acceptance is that it causes a lot of pain and distress to be struggling against reality. Accepting the idea that your illness is long term (or serious, or causing your discomfort, or whatever it is that you’re struggling with) might feel like giving up, but it can be an important step for you to be able to move forward. 

It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. You don’t have to be okay with what’s happening or happy or anything like that. Sometimes acceptance means admitting “I’m really freaking mad about this,” or “I don't think I can ever accept this.” Giving yourself permission to admit what’s really going on can bring a sense of relief. 

It might also help to accept that health is more out of our control than we like to think.

Remember that no matter what, no one stays the same forever. We all have to deal with our bodies changing at some point, and the older we get, the more things tend to go wrong. Learning at a young age that you are not your body and that you can lead a happy, meaningful life no matter what happens to you is an incredibly painful but invaluable lesson.

Seek out others who are chronically ill

One of the hardest things about adjusting to life as a chronically ill person is the way your relationships change. It can be hard to keep up with people in the way you used to. You might not have the energy for the things you used to do with your friends. You might feel like you’re no fun to hang out with anymore, but that’s not the truth! 

Chronically ill and disabled people exist and have always existed, and they have found ways of building community. As messed up as the internet can be, the way modern technology allows people to connect to each other from their own homes has shifted the way that chronically ill and disabled people can build community. There are many places on the internet where you can find groups of chronically ill people. Try searching for “Spoonie” groups or pages to start! 

This isn’t to say that you need to stay home at all times if you’re chronically ill. Spending time with other chronically ill or disabled people can help you find places in your area that are accessible and give everyone a chance to feel understood and valued. 

Find a creative outlet for your feelings 

When it comes to feeling your feelings, it can help to have a creative outlet. Intense emotions can be tricky to work through, but having a way to let the emotion out can help. Some people find a lot of comfort in using creativity to express their feelings. 

Creativity can be whatever feels good for you. Some people like to channel their feelings, like rage, fear, sadness, into making art or writing in a journal. 

Others like to express themselves through movement. Moving your body might look and feel different after being diagnosed with a chronic illness, and you might need to explore a few things to find what works for you and what feels good to you physically and mentally. Allowing yourself to play can remind you that you deserve to feel joy and to experience play, just like everyone else. 

Find ways to assert your agency 

Having a chronic illness means a slow steady loss of control over your body. While the control that we have over our bodies is not as strong as many would like to believe, it’s still unbelievably painful to realize that you can’t do much of anything to make yourself feel better physically. 

Try to find other ways to assert your agency like gardening, making art, or making your space really cozy and comfortable. Even something as simple as choosing a new book to read or a show to watch can remind you that while some things will always be out of your control, there are choices that you get to make. 

Learning that you have a chronic illness diagnosis is often a life-changing experience. Chronic illness tends to impact every aspect of life, from work to leisure time to money to relationships. Remember, chronic illness is not your fault. If you would like more support in coping with chronic illness, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.

Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with My Body Without Loving It?

If you suffer from chronic pain, the idea of body positivity might feel like asking a lot. 

It can be hard to love something that causes you severe amounts of physical pain, not to mention the emotional pain that can come with that sort of prolonged discomfort and distress. So if you’re someone who manages chronic pain, and you find yourself rolling your eyes a bit at the idea of body positivity–I get it! It’s okay and you’re definitely not alone. 

But living with chronic pain doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an emotionally healthy relationship with your body, even if that can’t be one filled with love. While it would be wonderful to get to a point where your relationship with your body is a loving one, it’s possible to have an emotionally healthy relationship, even a caring relationship, without love. Think of human social relationships–you might not love your coworker or your neighbor or your barista, but you’re likely able to at least provide them the respect and dignity they deserve, and possibly even have a positive, friendly relationship with them. You care about not being rude to them, you don’t think they are unreasonable for having boundaries, and you probably don’t think they’re shameful for asking for what they need!  

The same can be true of your body. 

The first step to getting to that emotionally healthy relationship with your body is to let go of unrealistic expectations. 

Just like with your other relationships, unfair expectations just set everyone involved up for hurt and disappointment. When you expect your friends to read your mind, you’re putting the burden of a role they’re not equipped to manage on their shoulders, and it can never end in positive feelings. The same is true of your body. When you expect your body to be able to do things like: 

• Operate at 100% every day 

• Persist through prolonged exertion or labor without breaks 

• Function without proper nourishment 

…You’re putting unrealistic expectations onto your body. No one’s body can really manage those things! And if you experience chronic pain or chronic illness of some kind, your limits are going to feel even more rigid. But it’s important for you to figure out what it is your body can reasonably handle on a given day so you can make sure you’re not asking too much of it. 

Take stock of your limits, of what different things cost you in terms of energy, pain, emotional regulation, etc. 

When you take time to notice the effect different activities or situations have on you, your body, the severity of your symptoms, etc., you’re able to better respond to those effects, preemptively plan for how you will manage an increase of symptoms, or set limits on those things. When making plans, remember to keep those limits and boundaries in mind and to be respectful of your relationship with your body. If you push it past those limits, the lack of care you show to your body’s needs will show up in that relationship through worsening pain, increased symptoms, etc. 

Remember healthy relationships are reciprocal

It’s okay if there’s a lack of love between you and your body sometimes. Not every relationship needs constant love and affection to be healthy. They do however need respect and reciprocity–which means however you treat your body is how you can expect your body to treat you.Instead of punishing your body for its needs and limits, try to respect them. Because when you punish your body, it will only turn that punishment back on you for neglecting its needs, whether that’s through increased pain or flare up of symptoms, or getting sick in some other fashion. When you notice your body’s cues and tend to them, you’re showing your body respect and care. This in turn gives you a cared for place to live and exist. 

If you’re looking for support as you heal your relationship to your body, therapy can be a great place to start. Contact us today and our expert clinicians can help. 

How to Be There for A Friend with Chronic Pain

Do you have a loved one who deals with chronic pain?

If you don’t experience chronic pain, it can be hard to understand just how much it can impact someone’s life. While for most people, pain is unusual, a sign that something needs to be tended to immediately, for folks who manage chronic pain, it is a constant state. 

The baseline, rather than comfortable or content, is typically still some underlying degree of pain, even when on a pain management routine of some sort. Chronic pain impacts the sufferer from the moment they wake up until the time they go to sleep (and often in between as well, as chronic pain commonly impacts sleep!) so it can be hard to know how to help! 

If you’re looking for ways to support a loved one with chronic pain, here are 6 ways to be there for them:

Consider obstacles before proposing plans

Even something as simple as going for a walk can be difficult for someone with chronic pain. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them, but when you’re planning outings that you want your friend with chronic pain to take part in, try to consider what problems it may bring up for them, and what accommodations can be made so that friend can still come and have a good time. Again, if you’re planning something like a hike or a walk, it could be as simple as making sure to pick a path with benches along it so there are places to rest along the trail without having to sit on the ground (which can be uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even impossible depending on the pain your friend experiences). 

Don’t leave them out of the planning

Even if you’ve considered the obstacles, you’re not the one with the chronic pain, so you’re not the expert on whether things have been taken care of! Make sure you let your friend know what you’ve thought of, but also ask them to please let you know if there’s something else they are concerned about so that you can make accommodations for them. For the above example it could be as simple as saying, “Hey, I’d love for you to come hiking with me. I found a trail with lots of benches so we can stop as often as we need to. Is there anything else I didn’t consider?” 

Don’t make them ask to use the accommodations: 

If you know something is an issue for your friend, try to offer the accommodations without waiting for them to ask for it. It can be vulnerable and even feel embarrassing to ask for accommodations others don’t need–especially if you’re in a large group–so they push through pain or discomfort rather than call attention to the fact that they need help. Using the hiking example, you can offer to take a break before your friend asks for one. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey let’s stop at the bench up there for a water break!” You don’t have to call attention to their discomfort, and you can show them you’re actively thinking about them & their needs. 

Understand there aren’t always accommodations that work: 

Your friend with chronic pain might not always be able to find a way to make your plans work. Whether it’s because they’re having a bad flare up, making the usual accommodations useless, or because there just isn’t a way for them to mitigate the pain they’d be experiencing if they participated, there just isn’t always a way to make it work. It’s not a personal judgment if they say they can’t come, and while you might feel tempted to over apologize, that might actually make them feel worse–then they have to comfort you because their pain prevents them from participating. Instead, let them know you’ll miss them and that you do something with them soon. 

Offer help if you can: 

Not everyone has the energy or the time to take on some extra responsibility for their loved ones, but if you’re able to, offering to pick up the slack for your friend every now and then can be a wonderful way to support them. Living with chronic pain can make it difficult to stay on top of things like dishes or laundry or grocery shopping–basic maintenance things. Because often the pain is so severe it is difficult to function or focus on anything else. Severe pain also makes sleep difficult, exacerbating the cycle. If you have some spare time in your week every now and then, check in with your friend, ask if there’s anything you can help them out with. If they’ve been complaining of their pain more and more frequently, let them know you’ve noticed and ask if there’s anything you can do to lighten the load! 

Believe what they tell you, not what you see:

Folks who have been living with chronic pain for years may not look like they are in pain from the outside. When there’s no break from the pain, it becomes a new normal that they have had to adjust to–however that doesn’t mean they aren’t in pain. If your friend has chronic headaches, but looks “normal” when they’re in pain, that doesn’t mean they are faking. The way they look “normally” is what they look like when they’re in pain, because pain is normal for them.

Do you know someone living with chronic pain who needs support? Reach out today to get in touch with one of our clinicians! 

How to Cope With Losing Relationships as a Result of Your Chronic Illness

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be seriously ill. People often also don’t know what to do when someone is sick. If you’ve ever dealt with a loss in your life you might be familiar with this. Some people don’t know what to say or do, so instead of saying the ‘wrong’ thing, they disappear until the crisis is over. It’s not a nice thing to do, certainly, but it is a human reaction to discomfort. Unfortunately, for folks living with chronic illness, this experience is all too familiar. With chronic illness however, there is no end in sight, and because of that some relationships just don’t survive. 

What is chronic illness in the first place? 

According to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), “Chronic diseases are defined broadly as conditions that last 1 year or more and require ongoing medical attention or limit activities of daily living or both. Chronic diseases such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes are the leading causes of death and disability in the United States.”

What’s important to remember is that this is NOT your fault. Your illness doesn’t make you any less worthy of friendship and support in your life. A chronic illness diagnosis can bring up a lot of different feelings at once: worry, shame, relief, fear, exhaustion, and confusion are just a few. It’s hard enough to wrap your head around your diagnosis and how that will change your life without blaming yourself for your illness. 

The sad truth is, most people don’t know what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. Even though it shouldn’t fall on the ill person to explain things, you may find yourself going over the details over your illness repeatedly to clear up the confusion. That alone can be exhausting. Some people also don’t understand how isolating illness can be. Even though it’s not okay to treat people differently after their diagnosis, it’s a common response. However, there are ways to deal with changing relationships as a result of your chronic illness. 

Set boundaries

Boundaries are basically when you tell people what you expect from them. When you talk to someone about your illness and their response to it, go into the conversation with a few boundaries in mind. Let them know what you expect of them in this situation since as we mentioned above, most people have no idea what to do when someone is seriously ill. You can make it clear that you expect them to visit you regularly, that you’d like regular time to spend together, that you are available or unavailable to talk about your illness and anything else that will help you feel supported. Sometimes people just need direction and they can adjust their behavior accordingly. 

Speak up

When someone hurts you, tell them. Most people don’t understand how their actions look or feel to others. Maybe your friend didn’t know what to say, so instead of saying the wrong thing, they figured they’d get out of your way until they knew. If this (or something like it) happens in your life, call it out! Sometimes being reminded of the way our actions impact others can be enough of a wake-up call to act differently. If you bring up your concerns and feelings

Write them a letter

Even if you never send it, it can be really cathartic to write a letter to someone who has hurt you. You can process your feelings, go over what you’d like to say, and set the record straight to the best of your ability. You can send it or not, but sometimes just the act of writing down your feelings can be eye-opening. 

Learn about grief

Grief isn’t just for death. You can grieve any type of loss - including the loss of the life you had before your diagnosis. When you lose friendships as a result of your illness, you also experience grief. Grief is universal - at some point, everyone will feel it. Do some reading about grief to familiarize yourself with the grieving process so you know what to expect. Remember to be gentle with yourself and that there’s no wrong way to grieve. 

A chronic illness diagnosis can be totally life changing, and not just from a medical perspective. Since chronic illness is longer term than acute illness, it tends to ripple out and effect even more of people’s everyday lives, including their relationships. If you find your relationships changing as a result of your chronic illness, remember to be gentle with yourself - none of this is your fault. If you need more support in coping with these changing relationships, our therapists at Hope+Wellness can help.  

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionatecare to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

5 Ways Chronic Illness can Affect Your Mental Health

Many of us take our physical health for granted until we are forced to do otherwise. For the six out of every ten adults in the US who live with a chronic illness, however, the fantasy of living in perfect health is one that’s hard to reach. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), chronic illness is defined as “conditions that last 1 year or more and require ongoing medical attention or limit activities of daily living or both.”

Keep in mind: you cannot measure someone’s physical or mental health by looking at them. It’s also important to note that just no one owes anyone a certain level of health - people with chronic illness are just as much people as anyone else, and they deserve dignity and respect.  

The idea of living in perfect physical and mental health throughout your entire life is not realistic. At some point, you will probably have to deal with some sort of serious illness or condition, either for yourself or for someone you care about. Just because you don’t have to worry about chronic illness right now doesn’t mean that will always be the case. 

Physical health and mental health are linked

There is a connection between your physical health and your mental state. You might have experienced swings in mood or energy when you’re not feeling well, and that can be exponentially more intense in the case of chronic illness. In fact, people with chronic illnesses are two times more likely to experience anxiety and depression than people who don’t have a chronic illness. 

Living with a chronic illness is the reality for many folks in the United States (and all over the world, too). The way that physical health can take a toll on mental health is well documented. Looking at the whole picture, physical and mental, can help folks find better treatment options that will support them in all aspects of life. Here are 5 ways that chronic illness can affect mental health: 

Brain Chemicals

The chemicals in your brain play a large role in mental health, and some physical conditions can impact those chemicals. Changing levels of hormones and neurotransmitters in your system can lead to mental health side effects (like anxiety, depression, etc.). Inflammation in the brain may also play a role in mental health. In fact, it has even been suggested that depression is associated with inflammation in the brain, so increased inflammation in the body due to physical illness may directly play a role in depression.  

Chronic illness can be traumatic

Chronic illness can also lead to PTSD. Living in a body that is chronically ill can be incredibly stressful and scary. Trauma can come in many different forms, and chronic illness is one. In fact, there is a specific type of PTSD called Illness Induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, though it isn’t well understood by medical professionals. There does seem to be a distinction between this type of PTSD and traditional PTSD - chronic illnesses can last for an undetermined amount of time, which can prolong the trauma. 

Stress

Experiencing long term illness can lead to a major increase in stress - stress about your condition, about finances, about accessibility, about insurance, about anything, really. This extra stress can lead to mental health problems. Long term stress has long been known to be detrimental to mental health. That’s why self-care is so important right now - people are finally realizing that the best way to care for others is to care for yourself first.  Because chronic conditions by definition last a long time, folks who live with them often end up living with a lot of stress and uncertainty. 

Medications 

The medications folks take to manage their chronic conditions may also play a role in mental health. Medications can have complex side effects and interactions with each other, and sometimes that leads to a change in mental health. Depending on the condition, you may be able to try different medications to manage things to see if that makes a difference. It’s important for anyone involved in the care of chronically ill folks are aware of the way medication can influence mental health. 

Shame + Hopelessness

Shame is an aspect of chronic illness that many people don’t talk about (especially people who don’t live with a chronic condition). In the United States, there is a very high value placed on physical health. Because of this, anyone who falls short of perfect physical health is seen as failing (even though this couldn’t be further from the truth!). Some people will blame themselves for their condition, or be too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone but their medical team. Some people feel like they have to prove that they’re ‘sick enough’ to be considered chronically ill. This kind of ableism can be draining, especially over a long period of time.  

Suffering from a chronic condition without improvement can lead to feeling hopeless. You might feel that you’ll never be your old self again, or that you’ll never have another good day. You may need to grieve for the life you had before your diagnosis. Chronic illness can majorly change up your plans in life, and it’s perfectly normal to have a lot of complicated feelings about that. 

The majority of people in the United States will experience chronic illness at some point in their lives. Since chronic illness is so common, it’s important to understand the ways that physical illness and mental illness intersect and influence one another. Treating the whole person is an important way to improve a person’s quality of life overall. It’s critical to take into account mental health when discussing physical health and vice versa. If you are living with a chronic illness and you’re looking for support, we can help. 

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!