5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

Do you consider yourself a perfectionist? On its face, being perfect seems like kind of a great thing - you do everything right, there’s never a problem, and you’re happy as can be. In reality, though, the pressure to be perfect at everything you do can lead to an immense amount of pressure and distress. Perfectionism can be exhausting, but it’s possible to overcome it. 

It makes sense that we want things to be perfect. The world is a scary place for a lot of people, especially right now. On top of worrying about things like our job performance or our relationships, we’re also trying to deal with a multi-year global pandemic and facing a climate crisis. There is so much uncertainty in the world right now, and it can make you feel out of control. There’s not a lot you can do personally to end the pandemic (besides following local public health safety advice) or to fix the climate. You can’t control what the government does. You can’t control the weather, or the news, or institutional oppression, even though you may want to. So when it comes to things you can control, it’s easy to go a little overboard. You can control the way you perform your job. You control the way you keep your living space, what you eat, the media you consume. 

The problem is that perfect doesn’t exist. Everyone’s idea of what is perfect is different. There are always things at play that will get in the way of things being perfect. Focusing on perfectionism is actually a distraction. A really stressful, really high stakes distraction from the intense vulnerability or fear of not being in control. Even if you somehow manage to do everything in your life perfectly, you’d probably still find another reason to be disappointed in yourself, because the goalposts with perfectionism always change. Just when you think you’ve done it and become perfect, there’s something else to do. 

This cycle is so exhausting. If you’re struggling, know that there are some things you can do to let go of perfectionism. Here are 5 ways to shift your thinking and overcome perfectionism. 

Be curious about where it comes from 

There are other things that might play into perfectionism as well. If your caregivers demanded perfection from you in school and in your extracurricular activities growing up, it can be a hard habit to break. However, it can be helpful to interrogate where the urge to be perfect is coming from. What will happen if you aren’t perfect? Are you more concerned about letting others down, or yourself? Take some time to notice where the urge comes from. It might be helpful to journal about it or to take a walk and think things over. If the urge comes from something in your childhood, remind yourself that you’re an adult now and you get to make your own choices. It can be hard to feel like you’re letting others down, but it’s also painful to let yourself down. If it’s a need for control, try to see what happens when you let go of control for a few low-stakes things like tidying the house or responding to emails off-hours. 

Practice self-care

Over time, feeling intense pressure to be perfect can leave you feeling rotten. You might feel burned out, cynical, numb, exhausted, depleted, guilty, or even physically ill. Our bodies and minds need breaks regularly to function, so if you’re not making time to care for yourself, it will eventually catch up with you. Chronic stress can lead to all sorts of physical symptoms like gastrointestinal distress, heart problems, respiratory illness, fatigue, pain, and more. Taking some time to practice self-care can go a long way toward helping you feel better and preventing those physical ailments that come from stress. 

Notice the gray

Perfectionism can also be traced back to cognitive distortions like all or nothing thinking. Perfectionists tend to think in shades of black and white. You’re either perfect or you’re a failure. Instead of thinking in extremes, notice what’s in between. Instead of thinking in black and white, try to find the gray. Is it possible that more than one thing can be true at the same time? 

Focus on what’s going right

The thing about perfectionism is that nothing will ever be perfect, so being focused on perfection can leave you focused on what’s going wrong and keeping you from being perfect. Instead of letting yourself get swept up in negativity, focus on what’s going right for you. Taking some time to redirect your thoughts from negative to positive will help your brain learn how to do that on its own. With some practice, you will have to redirect your thoughts less and less because the full picture of positive and negative will be easier for you to see. 

Find joy in the process

Another aspect of perfectionism that’s tricky is focusing on the outcome. For perfectionists, it can be hard to see anything but the end result as meaningful. For example, let’s say you work hard for months on a project with the hopes of landing a promotion. When the project is over, you find out that you didn’t get the promotion. Perfectionists will see the lack of promotion as a failure, and decide that the whole process was a waste of time. People who aren’t perfectionists might have an easier time noticing all the good things that came from the project, like learning how to manage a team or expanding your skills. 

If that’s the case for you, try to notice the process of what you're doing and find positives in it, even if it seems silly at first. Most of life is a journey. There are very few points where we look around and feel that we’re at the peak. So make sure to learn how to find joy in the journey and the destination. 

If you're looking for more support overcoming perfectionism, our therapists are trained in modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion

The way that you treat yourself matters. Have you ever noticed the way that you talk to yourself? There are lots of reasons why we’re harder on ourselves than on anyone else. Some folks experienced abuse growing up that taught them not to expect any compassion. Others had caregivers who weren’t nurturing or who constantly criticized them. We hear a lot about self-love, especially in therapy spaces, but self-love isn’t always within reach for people. Starting with self-compassion can be a great way to build up your resilience and confidence. 

What is self-compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is being nice to yourself. The idea of self-compassion is drawn from Buddhism. Being kind to yourself might sound really simplistic, but it can be a lot harder than it sounds. Many of us have a voice in our heads that chimes in when we mess up. That voice is called the Inner Critic, and it can be hard to notice it sometimes. There are times when we’re so immersed in beating ourselves up that we don’t even consider that there’s another option. However, there is always another option. Being kind, gentle, and understanding to yourself is always a choice you can make, it just takes practice to remember that that’s an option. 

Think about it: when someone has tried to motivate you by being mean to you, did that ever work? Probably not, right? It’s hard to get people to listen to you and respect you if you’re being a jerk all the time. The same is true for your brain! If you’re constantly being mean to yourself, eventually your brain will internalize the message that there is something wrong with you. You might even get to a place where you don’t want to try anything because you're sure you’ll mess it up somehow. If this is how you’re feeling, know that there is hope. Just as you learned to be unkind to yourself, you can learn how to be kind to yourself instead. It takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight, but you can begin to change your internal narrative that you’re not good enough. 

Here are some exercises you can to do cultivate more self-compassion:

Write down what your Inner Critic says

Sometimes we don’t even realize all the negative stuff our Inner Critic is saying. A great way to start to build up your self-compassion is to start to keep track of what your Inner Critic is saying. When you know what your Inner Critic is up to, you can focus on correcting those assumptions and silencing that voice in your head. Keep a note in your phone or a page in your journal where you write down what you say to yourself. Try to keep track for a few days so you can start to see patterns in your thinking. What are the common themes that you struggle with? How can you rewrite what your critic says in a more compassionate way? 

Write a letter to yourself

Writing can help us get in touch with our feelings and lessen the sense of shame we feel for our feelings. From a place of kindness and compassion, write yourself a letter. If it helps, imagine you’re writing to a younger version of yourself. What would you want them to know? Are there things you’re ashamed of or that you judge yourself for? Try to get it all out on the page. Sometimes the physical act of writing can help us begin to process our feelings and identify patterns in our thinking. 

Pretend you’re talking to your BFF

If you talked to your best friend the way you talk to yourself, they probably wouldn’t be your friend anymore. So why do you talk to yourself like that? Try to approach yourself with the same sense of compassion and gentleness that you would use with your friends. You deserve to be treated with respect, even from yourself. 

Forgive yourself

Is there something that you need to forgive yourself for? Holding on to this feeling of guilt and shame will only make you feel worse over time. Take a look at what is bringing those feelings up for you. Remind yourself that you were doing the best you could at the time. If there are things that you could have done differently, acknowledge that and remind yourself that you’re capable of changing. It might help to write this down in a journal so you can revisit it when that old shame pops it’s head up again. You are worthy of your own forgiveness. 

Remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist

Perfectionism can distort our thinking. The idea that we have to do everything perfectly or not at all is destructive. You don’t have to be perfect, and that’s not a reasonable expectation to have of yourself. If your caregivers in the past demanded perfection, remind yourself that that’s not the only way. Holding yourself to impossible standards is a recipe for resentment, burnout, and shame. You are good enough just as you are right now. 

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to connect with the present moment. When you’re in the middle of a self-shame spiral, it can be a game-changer to gently remind yourself to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus on the present. Notice your thoughts without judging them. A mindfulness practice is a great way to practice not judging yourself. If you start to slip into judgment mode, gently let those thoughts pass. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. 

Do things that bring you joy

You deserve to feel joy, and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Make time (as in, put it on your schedule) for doing things that bring you joy. Feeling joy + motivation can let you see yourself in a whole new light. Also, doing things you enjoy can be confidence-boosting - with practice you’ll eventually improve, and being good at something can be a powerful feeling. Even just the act of trying new things can make you feel happy, no matter what your skill level is. 

Being kind to yourself sounds simplistic, but it can be really tricky to break the habit of being mean to yourself. Cultivating self-compassion is something that takes time and effort. If you’re looking for guidance and support as you work on your self-compassion, a therapist can help you on this journey.

Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

Exploring Perfectionism and Being Ok With ‘Good Enough’

Do you feel a lot of pressure to be perfect? In a world that is increasingly scary and confusing, it’s tempting to try to control as much as we can. However, the pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming and lead to a lot of distress. After all, perfect isn’t an achievable goal for most things. We’re humans. We’re messy, we make mistakes, and sometimes we do the best we can and it’s still not “perfect”. You may associate perfectionism with being hyper-focused on details and always getting things done, but a lot of people who struggle with perfectionism actually have a hard time even getting a project started, let alone finished.

Perfectionism doesn’t always manifest itself in real life the way it’s depicted in the media. One powerful way to fight against the idea of perfectionism is the idea that we can be good enough. We don’t have to be perfect, and perfection isn’t an achievable goal. We can learn to be okay with being good enough.

What is perfectionism

Perfectionism can be traced back to cognitive distortions, like all-or-nothing thinking. As a refresher, cognitive distortions are faulty ways of thinking that we learn to believe are true. All or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that means you tend to think in extremes. You’re either successful or a failure. You’re smart or stupid. Instead of leaving room for all the nuance of being a human, all or nothing thinking paints things in black and white. 

It makes sense that we would believe our thoughts, because in general we like to think that we can trust ourselves. However, sometimes our thoughts aren’t true. Sometimes we get so used to thinking one way that we forget there are other ways to think. Striving for perfection doesn’t make you a bad person. In fact, lots of people encourage others to strive for a sort of “healthy” perfection as a way to motivate themselves to do their best. 

The trouble with this is that it’s easy to slip from trying your best because you want to to trying to be perfect because you want to be seen by others as perfect. 

Brene Brown has written about this phenomenon in her work on imperfection, vulnerability, and shame: 

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Shame, judgment, and blame are painful feelings. It makes sense that we want to avoid those feelings! In our search to avoid those painful feelings, though, we often end up feeling that way anyway. When you try your best because you want to, you might feel a sense of pride. However, most of the time we’re trying to be perfect to please someone else. Feeling like you have to prove yourself to be worthy of respect and kindness is a recipe for burnout and shame. 

Some folks who struggle with perfectionism deal with things like procrastination. It might sound counterintuitive that someone who is a perfectionist would struggle with getting started, but some folks struggle with the idea that if they can’t do it perfectly, they don’t want to do it at all.  

What does “good enough” mean? 

Good enough means that we don’t have to do everything perfectly at all times. Good enough means that sometimes the job that gets done isn’t pretty, but it’s effective. For example, you don’t need to have the perfect storage containers and pantry layout before you organize your kitchen. You just need to be able to see what you have in your cupboards so you can put a meal together. You don’t have to always have the perfect materials or perfect plan to get things done. Instead of striving for perfect, we can learn to be happy with the freedom that “good enough” gives us. When you don’t have to spend all of your time worrying about how you’ll do everything exactly right, you have more time to spend on things that make you happy and revitalize you.  

Good enough doesn’t have to mean the same thing from situation to situation. 

There might be things you want to do a really really good job on. There might be things that you realize don’t need quite as much of your attention. Letting go of perfectionism and embracing the idea of good enough means that you can assess each situation as it comes up and decide what is good enough for that particular thing. You might still put lots of effort into work projects or connecting with your friends, but spend less time planning your grocery list or organizing your things. 

Being good enough doesn’t mean that you’re lazy either. It means that you know how to prioritize your energy and protect your boundaries so you can actually enjoy your life. 

Learning to be ok with good enough takes a lot of practice. After all, we live in a culture that prizes folks for being exceptional. It’s natural to want to feel successful and like you matter. However, trying to do everything perfectly just leaves you feeling drained and less than.

If you’re looking for more support overcoming perfectionism, our therapists are trained in modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you move from feeling hopeless to feeling empowered.  

3 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear from You

What is an inner child?

Have you heard the phrase inner child before? Do you know what it is? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like! It’s the childhood versions of yourself that you carry with you now. Think about it: as you age you don’t lose those past selves. When you turn eleven, your ten year old self doesn’t stop existing. She’s just now tucked away in the heart of your eleven year old self! 

But what does that really mean?

It means that while yes, we may be adults now, sometimes it is not our adult self reacting to what’s happening to us, but the hurt child inside of us. When you feel like you’re “overreacting” or “being crazy” what’s most likely happening is that an old wound from childhood, which never really healed, was activated again. And while your adult self may know logically, you are going to be okay and you don’t need to “freak out” that freak out you’re feeling is your inner child trying to get your attention. They’re shouting “hey! Something’s wrong! Help me!” 

Now, this doesn’t mean that every time you’re upset you should think “this is no big deal it’s just the little kid in me freaking out.” In fact the opposite! Minimizing it as just a childlike meltdown won’t help you–it will just brush the problem aside until it comes up again. And it will come up again until the wound is tended to, as you’ve already seen! 

Instead, imagine you are standing next to your inner child.

Picture your younger self, at eight years old, at ten, at twelve, etc. Whatever age it is that needs your attention. Think about the hurt they are feeling. Maybe even imagine you’re asking them. Ask them, “what’s wrong? What are you feeling?” 

You can have this conversation out loud yourself, or in your head, or in a journal if you find that’s helpful. The most important thing in the process is to show your inner child the kindness and patience you may not have gotten.

If you don’t know where to start, here are 3 things inner child needs to hear from you to facilitate that healing: 

I’m glad you’re here.

If you’re carrying around unhealed wounds from childhood, it’s likely you weren’t made to feel safe enough to ask for help. You might have been made to feel like a burden, which may have made it hard or even impossible for you to call attention to yourself when you needed an adult to step up and help you. That inner child inside you–even if they are just “talking” to you–may still have this fear. Welcome them, tell them you’re glad they are there–and you’re glad they shouted loud enough for you to hear them. You are happy to see them, and you want to help. 

It’s not fair that you feel this way. Or: It’s not fair that that happened to you. 

While you can make space to listen to your inner child, you can’t go back in time and fix whatever hurt them. This can feel painful to realize–for your adult self and your inner child. You can't fix the hurt! That’s natural. But sometimes all we can do, even for ourselves is to acknowledge the hurt.  You know as an adult that the way you were treated as a child wasn’t right, but that child in you still doesn’t know. They still think it’s how they deserve to be treated, or that it’s their fault. Letting them know it’s not your fault and it’s not fair can be an incredibly powerful way to start that healing. 

I’m proud of you for surviving. 

Many of us develop habits in childhood that help us survive our environments–both physically and emotionally. However, some of these habits can be things like protecting your feelings, avoiding vulnerability, trying to predict others feelings or actions, etc. All of these things can help protect a child in an emotionally volatile environment where they are punished for needing support. But as we age, those tools no longer serve us, and what was crucial for survival once now can get in the way of growth and happiness. Instead of resenting the child in you for developing these habits, let them know you’re proud of them for doing what they needed to do to survive. Let them know you understand their hesitation, but that it’s safe now and you’re there to help them drop those habits as they heal. 

Talking to your inner child isn’t the only way to work on healing! You can take some time to think about things you liked as a child, what brought you joy and made you feel safe, and incorporate those into your life now to show that inner child they are welcome and safe. You can choose to do things that seem silly because you know they will help feed that inner child. Go rollerskating, paint with your fingers, make some playdough! Your inner child will thank you.  

If you’re looking to go deeper into your inner child work, our therapists can help support you. Get in touch with us today to schedule an appointment!

4 Ways to Add Mindfulness to Your Daily Routine

What does it mean to cultivate a mindfulness practice? 

We’ve touched on mindfulness on our blog before, specifically how mindfulness can help with stress relief. But how does one go about cultivating their own daily mindfulness practice?

If you’re totally new to mindfulness and don’t want to branch out on your own yet, a good place to start is with a mindfulness app. We’ve got a list of ten right here that can help guide you through developing your own mindfulness routine. 

But you might not want to use an app. Part of the reason people love mindfulness so much, is that it helps them to be in the present moment without extraneous distractions. And if you find yourself clicking back and forth between different apps mindlessly every time you pick up your phone, a mindfulness app might not be the best way to go about creating your mindfulness practice! 

So how can you get started on your own mindfulness?

There is no one right way to be mindful, or to practice mindfulness. You don’t need a specially designated mindfulness or meditation space. The most important thing in mindfulness is the switch from your doing mode to you being mode, whatever that looks like in your life. 

Switching over to your being mode is all about tuning into your different senses and engaging with the present moment. To do this, ask yourself questions like: 

• What sounds am I hearing? Where are they coming from?

• What can I smell? Where is that smell coming from? What does that smell make me think of?

• What is around me? How is my body interacting with my environment? 

• What can I see around me? What have I been overlooking?

• How does my body feel? Am I sore, tired, aching? Do my limbs feel heavy? In noticing this, do I now want to stretch?

• Where is my attention going? Am I staying in the present moment, or are my thoughts wandering? Why might I be having trouble keeping my attention at the present?

You can use these questions to get you started at any point in your day. If you’re looking for more structure in your mindfulness routine consider: 

Setting your alarm for five minutes earlier than you normally wake up: 

You don’t need to spend a lot of time on mindfulness. Like most self care, mindfulness is more about the quality of your practice than the quantity. Giving yourself five extra minutes at the beginning of the day is a perfect way to ease into mindfulness. You don’t even need to get out of bed to do it! Take those five minutes to lay awake in bed, engaging with your senses, asking yourself those mindfulness questions. 

Add mindfulness into mindless tasks: 

What do you normally think about when brushing your teeth? Or washing your dishes? We do these things on autopilot, so your mind probably wanders out of habit. Find these small mindless moments throughout the day, and see if you can refocus. Use them as opportunities in your regular routine to add a bit of mindfulness. What does your toothpaste smell like? How do the bristles feel on your teeth? How does your arm feel brushing? What do you hear while brushing your teeth? Or how does the soap and water feel on your skin while you wash your dishes? 

Enriching an activity you already enjoy:

What’s something you like to do every day? Do you love cooking? Going for a walk after work? Pick one of these things you enjoy, and try to do them mindfully. Put your phone away or turn it off so you aren’t tempted to get distracted. When your mind wanders, be gentle with yourself, and redirect your attention back to what you’re doing. If you’re cooking: what are you smelling? What are you hearing? What do the smells, tastes, sounds, sights, make you feel? If you’re on a walk: what’s happening around you? Is it windy? Can you hear neighborhood pets or kids playing? Is the traffic loud?  What colors are you seeing? 

Adding mindfulness to your bedtime routine: 

Just as with your morning routine, adding in a few minutes of mindfulness can be a great way to end your day. When you’re all ready for bed, find a comfortable position and sit for a few minutes. How are you feeling? What feelings has the day left in you? Focus on your breath, breathing in and out slowly. Not only can this help you focus on mindfulness, but it can also help you relax, which is perfect to help you ease into restful sleep. 

If you're looking for support as you develop a mindfulness practice, or if you're not sure where to begin, contact us today for help!

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counseling in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Feeling Stuck? Try These 6 Things

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you can’t move forward? There are all kinds of reasons that you might be feeling stuck in life, whether it be in your romantic relationships, your career, your platonic relationships, or any other area of your life. When you feel stuck, you feel like you can't move forward in any way, no matter what you try. Some people feel stuck in a relationship that’s no longer serving them. Some people feel stuck in a job that doesn’t suit their talents or their passion. Others might feel stuck in their own negative thoughts. Many creative folks have periods where they’re stuck and can’t come up with any new work or anything they’re proud of.  Any way you slice it, we’ve all felt stuck over something at one time or another. 

When you feel stuck, it can seem like an endless cycle. It can feel like you’re moving in circles or even backward, instead of toward the goal you’re working for. Being stuck can make you feel burned out, less confident, and desperate to make something work. Not exactly ideal conditions to make changes in your life, right? 

However, to get out of the cycle of stuck-ness, change has to happen somewhere. When you’re frustrated and overwhelmed, it can be hard to think of the next move to make. Instead of suffering from decision paralysis, try one of these options to see if they help you move forward: 

Don't keep doing the same thing

First of all, if nothing you’re doing is working, cut it out! You are not serving yourself by continuing on with a plan that’s going nowhere. You don’t need to prove anything by continuing on the path you’ve started down. If something doesn’t work for you, you’re allowed to try something else! Giving up on your initial plan might feel like a kind of failure, but you’re really just learning how to adapt to the situation you’re in. That’s a valuable skill.

Assess how you got here

You don’t want to try to move forward and end up in the same place again. To do that, though, you need to get tough with yourself: how did this situation happen in the first place? Reflect on the decisions you made and the actions you took that led to feel stuck. In order to learn from our missteps, we need to understand them. This step is hard, but it’s crucial to make sure you don’t end up stuck in the same cycle again. 

Change your perspective 

Can you look at your situation in a different way? Sometimes, getting someone else's opinion on things can help you see things in a new light. It’s valuable to get someone else’s opinion because we all have different ways of looking at the world. Maybe a friend or loved one (or therapist!) can help you see things from a new angle or come up with some new solutions to try. It can also be refreshing to get your feelings off your chest and open up to someone. At the very least, even if they can’t help you solve your problem, they can be a source of emotional comfort and support when you feel stuck. 

Take a break

Sometimes, you just need to recharge and try again later. It’s okay to stop trying for a bit and come back to the problem later. You don’t have to constantly make yourself miserable over being stuck. You’re allowed to take time to yourself. Rest is something that many of us don’t get enough of, so feeling stuck could be your body’s way of telling you to take a break. You might also find that stepping away from the problem can clear your mind and help you come at it with fresh eyes when you’re ready to deal with it again. 

Be gentle with yourself

Who's putting the pressure on you? Is it you, or is it someone else? Or maybe both? You don't have to be perfect. In fact, you can't be. When you're struggling, beating yourself up about it only does one thing: it makes you feel worse. Instead, be kind to yourself. You’re doing your best. If you have a hard time being gentle with yourself, pretend you’re talking to your best friend. How would you help them with this? 

Remind yourself that you have options when you feel stuck

Remember: you always have options, even when you feel backed into a corner and like you have nothing you can do. You probably even have more options than you think you do. If you’re having a hard time seeing what options you have, talking to a therapist might be a great next step! Therapists have a unique perspective and can help you work through issues you’re stuck on. Reach out to us today so we can help get you unstuck! 

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therapist in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

Well Rounded Wellness: Exploring the Health Benefits of Spirituality

What is well-rounded wellness?

We’ve talked a bit before about the link between physical and mental wellness. And research is now showing that there is a significant mind-body connection; meaning our mental health can influence our physical health, and vice versa. 

So we know that health isn’t just one or the other. It’s not physical or mental, it’s a combination of caring for all of the different aspects of ourselves. But within this mind body connection, there’s another aspect often left out of the conversation: spiritual wellness. 

This aspect of wellness asks us to address our beliefs, our values, and our connection to the world we live in. It is often linked very directly with our mental health; spirituality can help with feelings of anxiety, depression, stress, listlessness, lack of purpose, etc. And in being so linked with our mental health, we see that a well rounded sense of wellness has to include the whole picture: mind, body, and soul. 

What is Spirituality?

For some, spirituality might be religion. Whether Judaism, Catholicsm, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Sihkism, etc, religion, no matter the denomination, is an expression of spirituality. 

But spirituality doesn’t have to be expressed through an organized religion. 

At its core, spirituality is about connecting with your world. It’s about finding your values, and finding ways to live your life with them in mind. It’s about finding your purpose, your connection to others, your connection to the world around you. Spirituality, whatever form it shows up in, is how we make sense of the time we’re given in this world. 

What is spiritual wellness?

Spiritual wellness is just like any other type of wellness: recognizing and meeting needs. The variance lies in what those needs are. You might need a structured religion, a holy text. Or you might need something more fluid, a spiritual connection to the earth or your own intuition. 

Spiritual wellness just means that you are asking yourself the question “What does it mean for me to be spiritually fulfilled?” and then doing your best to incorporate practices that help you achieve that fulfilment. Those practices might include things like: 

• Meditation

• Prayer

• Yoga 

• Community gatherings

• Volunteer work

• Journaling

When finding what feels right for you, please remember to be culturally sensitive. While mental & physical health do benefit greatly from spiritual exploration, it’s important to remember that while some spiritual practices are meant to be shared, others are intended as a sacred part of a closed culture. Please do your research if you are exploring spirituality or religion outside of what you are familiar with. 

How does spirituality improve our overall wellness?

There are many ways spirituality helps our overall wellness. A few include: 

Improved Sleep

Because most religions have some sort of mindfulness practice (prayer, meditation, yoga), the health benefits of mindfulness are also true of the health benefits of spirituality! And research has found that those with a steady mindfulness practice get better, more restful sleep than those without. 

Boosted Physical Health 

Spiritual practices not only help our mental and emotional health, but our physical health as well. Having those steady practices helps give us a regular mindfulness routine which not only improves the quality of our sleep, but has also been shown to lower blood pressure, and strengthen our immune system. 

Improved relationships

Spirituality often centers on the idea of connection, and often requires (or benefits from) some sort of community involvement. And when we are committed to a community, that means we are attuning ourselves to be mindful of others wants and needs, as well as strengthening our own skills in communication–simply through practice! And these skills aren’t restricted just to your own spiritual community. They become habit, and make it easier for you to handle conflict and communication with other people in your life. 

Decreased symptoms of anxiety and depression

When you explore and commit to your own spirituality, you feel a stronger sense of connection. To yourself, your friends and loved ones, your community, your environment, etc. This feeling of connection helps to lower the risk of depression. And spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, and yoga help to increase our mindfulness, and in doing so decrease our stress and anxiety levels. 

Improved coping skills

When difficult life events occur (sudden illness, relationship trouble, death of a loved one, etc.) spirituality helps to give us a guidebook on how to manage what seems unmanagable. Take, for example, the death of a loved one. While traditions vary across religions and spirituality, the thing that links them all is that there is some sort of tradition or ritual that accompanies grief and loss. This can help facilitate the grieving process. Rather than pushing those difficult emotions to the side and ignoring them, spiritual or religious traditions help us to face them. And the traditions or rituals that go along with those occurrences helps us to feel like we are in control of our own grieving, or emotional journey. Without these traditions it would be much more difficult to grapple with uncomfortable emotions (like grief) and the feeling of being untethered and out of control would just make things worse. 

Incorporating spirituality into your life is a great way to round out your wellness practice. Keeping a holistic view of wellness (mind, body and soul) reminds you to take stock of your needs, and find enjoyable ways for you to fill them, without sacrificing your health in other areas.  And, in fact, can help you to improve both your mental and physical health! 

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Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionatecare to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

11 Mindful Quotes for Serenity and Clarity

So often we hear messages from society that we need to be fitter, prettier, more youthful, wealthier and to reach some future state of being in order to be happy but the truth is that peace and contentment are available to you in the here and now.

It takes committed insight and intention to connect with life as it is and to see reality clearly rather than your distortions of it. Mindfulness helps you cultivate an awareness and peace with life, in the present moment, as it is. It releases you from the patterns of negative thinking, feeling, and behaving that cause you pain and suffering and helps you reconnect to yourself, to become awakened to serenity and calmness that sustains you throughout life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Below are 11 Mindful Quotes for Serenity and Clarity

“Gratitude reminds us to be like plants, which turn toward, not away from the light.”

— Mary Jane Ryan

“We find out what we really value in the daily decisions that we make, so we might do well to stop occasionally and respectfully ask ourselves: What truly matters? Asked regularly and fearlessly, it is the single question that will help you get to the heart of your life.”

— James E. Ryan

“When you know who you are; when your mission is clear and you burn with the inner fire of unbreakable will, no cold can touch your heart; no deluge can dampen your purpose. You know that you are alive.”

— Chief Seattle

“When we let go of the need to prove ourselves, nothing and no one can disturb the quiet and peace of our minds.”

— Iyanla Vanzant

“Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better than the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”

— Oprah Winfrey

“If we can dance like fire, we’d never get burned.”

— Ben Harper

“You are worthy. You are not broken; you are, in fact, beautifully whole. No matter what you’ve been through, you have the power to write a brave, new ending. It will take work. It will take courage. But healing is possible, and the gift of your trauma is that it creates resiliency and reveals your strength.”

— Liz Arch

“Mindfulness is being aware of, or bringing attention to, this moment in time, on purpose and with intention. So w hen we go for a mindful walk and really notice every little detail around us — trees, cars, little flowers growing out of small cracks, a pretty cat crossing the road — rather than creating “To Do Lists,” we may feel truly enchanted with life.”

— Patrizia Collard

“Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

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Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

19 Powerful Brene Brown Quotes on Embracing Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor whose work on vulnerability, shame, empathy has inspired millions of people to embrace imperfection, to hope and love wholeheartedly. Her words are especially powerful for those of us who never quite comfortable in our own skin, who feel as if we have to ‘hustle’ for love or worthiness. If you’ve ever felt this way — felt as if you’re never quite enough — read her words and be reminded that we’re all in this together. You’re beautiful in your vulnerability. You’re worthy. You belong.

Brene Brown Quotes on Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

— Brené Brown

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”

— Brené Brown

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

— Brené Brown

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

— Brené Brown

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

— Brené Brown

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

— Brené Brown

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

— Brené Brown

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

— Brené Brown

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”

— Brené Brown

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”

— Brené Brown

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

— Brené Brown

“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”

— Brené Brown

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”

— Brené Brown

“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.”

— Brené Brown

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

— Brené Brown

“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.”

— Brené Brown

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

— Brené Brown

“I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness–it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.”

— Brené Brown

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

— Brené Brown

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Therapist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!

7 Ways to Cope When Life is Hard: DBT IMPROVE the moment

Sometimes painful events happen in our lives that we can’t change. Death. Serious illness. Mistakes you’ve made and now can’t take back. Disappointment. Heartbreak. In times like this, it’s hard to know what to do and how to cope. We feel helpless and out of control. We’re often tempted to avoid, to numb, to turn toward substances, self-harm, or other activities. In the short term, they help us cope. But in the long term, they are destructive and only add to our suffering.

In these circumstances, there is a certain amount of pain that is just there and which we must learn and work to tolerate and live with. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers strategies to help you tolerate distress during difficult times, in the moment — to continually turn the mind toward acceptance and healthy ways of coping with pain.

DBT Distress Tolerance: IMPROVE the Moment

Sometimes the best thing we can do in situations where we don’t have control over the outcome or the current situation is to avoid making things worse. According to DBT, one way to tolerate high levels of distress and suffering is with the acronym IMPROVE the moment, which stands for the following.

I: Imagery. Imagery is when you imagine yourself in a different situation other than the one you are in. You could imagine yourself in a safe place, a beautiful place, or simply another place that’s different than the one you’re in. Imagine a beautiful beach, a peaceful forest, in a safe place, or visualize yourself as okay and doing well.

M: Meaning. Finding meaning in the situation can help you cope with the worst of pain. This means trying to find spiritual meaning if you are spiritual. You can read books, speak to spiritual mentors or teachers, such as priests or rabbis. You can spend time writing or with friends reflecting on what the lesson could be in this, what the greater purpose might be. From finding meaning, you’ll find that you’ll have greater compassion for others in pain and better able to cope with pain yourself.

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”

— Viktor E. Frankl

P:Prayer. Prayer can be incredibly helpful in times of crisis; it is a spiritual practice that is not necessarily religious. There are different ways to pray. One way is with words, in which you can pray to a higher power. You can talk and release some of your distress and grief. Another way to pray is by opening up. It’s not so much with words, but with your heart and emotions. Open your heart up to compassion and kindness, love and peace.

R: Relaxation. Sometimes in crises, we get tense and stressed out so it can help to relax. There are different ways to relax, including getting a massage, going on walks, and meditation. Focus on your breath and how it feels as is moves through your nose, down your throat, and your chest as it rises. Sometimes tensing and then releasing your muscles can also help.

O: One Thing in the Moment. It can help to completely and totally throw yourself into the present moment. When we’re distressed, we’re often thinking about the past, or caught up in fears bout the future. Fully bring your attention into whatever activity you are doing and participate in it completely.

V: Vacation. Vacations can help to destress and obtain some perspective on distressing situations. You can take a full vacation, a mini vacation, or a vacation around town. Vacations can be as brief as 5 minutes from the office. The key is to rest and to take care of yourself.

E: Encouragement. The things you say to yourself can affect how you feel. Try it — say “I can’t do this, I’m horrible, this is awful.’ How do you feel? Compare that to, “This is awful but I can do this. I can find my way. I’m not perfect but 'I’m strong.’ Encouragement can be very powerful.

it’s often said that the only way through grief or pain is through it — not around it, not above or below it, but through. With the IMPROVE set of DBT distress tolerance skills, you can do this, you can make it through this period of your life to greater life and hope.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

— Viktor E. Frankl

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clinical psychologist in mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, falls church, arlington and vienna

Victoria Chialy Smith, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. She provides individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!