What You Should Know About Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

There’s not just one way to approach healing, which is why there are so many different types of therapy modalities. Different healing modalities work better for different people and different situations. Some modalities that we use at Hope+Wellness include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), EMDR, and Exposure and Response Prevention.

One therapeutic approach we’ve found particularly powerful is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. Whether you're dealing with anxiety, chronic pain, disordered eating, or relationship challenges, IFS offers a compassionate, non-pathologizing path to self-understanding and healing. Internal Family Systems therapy can be an effective way to heal and transform your internal world. Here’s what you should know about it!

What is Internal Family Systems therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy was first developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, and has since evolved to support individuals, couples, and families.

The main idea behind Internal Family Systems therapy is that our mind is not a single entity but a system of parts, each with its own perspectives, feelings, and roles. These parts are often in conflict, which can lead to emotional distress and mental health issues. Rather than there just being one true version of ourselves, IFS recognizes that we often have subpersonalities and different parts that can contribute to distress when they are not in alignment. These parts each play different roles, like different members of a family. 

IFS helps individuals understand and heal their internal world by focusing on the relationship between these parts. Internal Family Systems views everyone as having a Self that is wise, compassionate, and capable of leading the internal system (your internal family of parts) toward healing and harmony. 

What are the different “parts” in IFS?

Within our Self, we are made up of many different parts, that each play a role in our internal system. Each part plays a different role. There are no “bad” parts, but sometimes a particular part will play an extreme role that impacts the whole system, which can lead to distress. 

Imagine your different parts like a family - they may all share the common goal of wanting what’s best for you, but they may have different ideas of how to make that happen. These differences between parts can lead to tension and distress. 

The different parts in IFS often include:

• Protector parts: Parts that have developed to protect the Self in difficult or upsetting situations

• Manager parts: These parts help us direct our daily functioning, enable us to meet our own needs, help us stick to our goals, and try to avoid perceived danger

• Firefighter parts: These parts respond when we perceive danger and try to help us cope, sometimes through self-destructive behaviors.

• Exile parts: These parts hold on to burdens - trauma, intrusive thoughts, bad memories, etc. These parts are often child-like, and we often do our best to push them away or ignore them. 

How does IFS work?

IFS therapy can help you take a non-judgmental look and help decrease conflict between your parts, which can help you feel more resilient. It involves working with a therapist to explore and understand your internal system. Here’s a basic overview of how it typically works:

1. Identifying Your Parts: You and your therapist will identify and get to know the various parts of your internal system. These parts can include protectors, exiles, and more.

2. Understanding Roles: Each part has a role or function. Protectors, for example, work to keep you safe from pain or harm, often by employing strategies that may have been useful in the past but are no longer helpful.

3. Building Relationships: Through compassionate dialogue, you build relationships with your parts, understanding their fears, concerns, and needs.

4. Accessing the Self: The goal is to help you access your core Self, which can then interact with and heal the wounded parts. The Self is seen as a natural leader capable of bringing calm, clarity, and confidence to your internal system.

5. Healing and Integration: As parts feel heard and understood, they can begin to trust the Self and let go of extreme roles, leading to greater internal harmony and well-being.

Healing through IFS takes time. Each session builds upon the last, gradually uncovering and addressing deeper layers of your internal system. Like any therapeutic process, IFS requires commitment - regular sessions and active participation in the process are essential for meaningful progress. 

It’s important to choose a therapist you feel safe with, and who is experienced in IFS, because a safe and supportive therapeutic relationship is crucial for effective IFS work. In addition, IFS can be integrated with other therapeutic approaches, so you can discuss with your therapist how IFS can complement other methods you may be using.

What are the benefits of IFS?

IFS therapy offers numerous benefits, making it a valuable approach for many individuals.IFS addresses the whole person, integrating mind, body, and spirit in the healing process. As it is a non-pathologizing modality, it doesn’t focus on diagnosis, instead viewing symptoms as normal reactions to life’s stressors or trauma. This can be especially powerful to people who have been pathologized or discriminated against due to a diagnosis in the past. Even though IFS doesn’t focus on diagnosis, it can be helpful with anxiety, PTSD, OCD, depression, substance use, bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and eating disorders. 

Learning to understand and empathize with your internal parts can help you cultivate a deeper sense of self-compassion and acceptance. IFS can also help heal emotional wounds and trauma by addressing the parts that are holding painful experiences. 

Increased insight into your internal world can help you improve your relationships with others, because you’ll be less distressed by internal conflicts that then spill over into your interactions. Finally, learning how to access and trust your Self is empowering. Knowing how to tune in to your internal system can help you to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and confidence.

If you’re dealing with issues like anxiety, burnout, or trauma, IFS can provide the tools and insights you need to create a more harmonious and fulfilling life. If you’re interested in learning more about IFS therapy or working with a therapist who utilizes IFS, reach out to our office today for more information. 

How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Do you feel comfortable asking for help?

If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone. 

As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it. 

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs. 

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative. 

If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support. 

The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel. 

How to know when you need help

Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever. 

So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include: 

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out

• Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition

• Being physically unable to do things for yourself

• Losing interest in things you care about 

• Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you

• Feeling unable to meet your needs 

So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions: 

Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel

It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need. 

Think about what gets in the way of asking for help

When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time. 

Know what you’re asking for

It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into? 

Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation

There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation. 

There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this: 

• Describe the problem or situation

• Express how you feel about it

• Assert your need for help

• Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you

• Mindfully focus on your goal

• Appear confident

• Negotiate if necessary

Approach people you trust and have a relationship with

Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up for needing help

Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself! 

What to do when you ask for help and are told no

Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help. 

Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help. 

Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

Finding a Psychologist: What to Consider

Are you looking for a psychologist?

If you’ve never been through the process before, it feels daunting! How do you go about finding a psychologist? Not just an effective one, but one who truly cares and connects with you?

To help, we put together this guide of considerations and steps to take when trying to find a clinical psychologist that’s right for you:

Take time to figure out what you’re looking for: 

At the start of your search, it’s important to take time to reflect on what issues you’re looking for professional support with. The type of psychologist you’re looking for may change depending on what particular issues you’re struggling with, and what treatment they specialize in. 

Once you understand what your needs are, it can help to develop an understanding of psychological treatment options and the current evidence-base underlying them. For example, the Society of Clinical Psychology, has developed this helpful resource on Effective Treatments for Psychological Conditions describing research evidence for psychological treatments. If you click on ‘Browse Diagnoses’, and then ‘Depression’, you’ll see that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the leading treatments for depression.

This information on treatment approaches can help inform your search for a therapist, as you would now understand that you are looking for a clinician who specializes in CBT for Depression, or a child psychologist who specializes in these domains..

Consider What Your Preferences Are

There are a lot of questions to consider when exploring your preferences: 

• Would you prefer working with a male or female psychologist? 

• Are you open to cash only practices or do you prefer to go to providers who accept your insurance? 

• How far are you willing to drive to see your psychologist? 

• Are you open to virtual care? 

• What setting do you prefer? A community clinic, hospital, or independent practice? 

• What is your budget?

These questions will all inform your search and help you identify potential clinicians to work with.

For example, when considering your budget, take a second to think about if you are willing to seek care from predoctoral clinicians currently in training. Predoctoral clinicians are often supervised by the clinicians with years of experience, a passion for mental health care, and a commitment to their work and training the next generation of psychologists. In addition, it is also a source of highly affordable psychological testing and evaluation services.

Start a List of Potential Licensed Clinicians. (Don’t be afraid to ask around!)

Do you have any health care providers that you enjoy seeing, whose care seems comprehensive and genuine? They’re a great resource for patients looking to expand their care. Ask them if there are any psychologists they would recommend–oftentimes, providers in the same community know of other providers who are well known for their clinical skill and effectiveness, and can refer to professionals they trust. 

Consider your social circle as well. Your friends and family may be able to offer referrals with their own firsthand experience and perspective. 

Search Online for Clinicians in Your Community

There are a number of websites online where you can search through listings of psychologists in your area and region. Using your understanding of your goals for therapy (e.g., current symptoms, available evidence-based treatments), and preferences (e.g., payment, child vs adult specialization, distance from your home), you can search through the following websites.

There are so many therapists that it can be overwhelming to look through directories. But as you look through, try looking at their personal statements to see what connects with you, or to look at their education, training, and work experiences, as these would deeply inform their therapeutic approach and style.

Below, is a list of national websites of providers, as well as ones specific to the Northern Virginia region.

• Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist

• Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies: Find a CBT Therapist Directory

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Find a Therapist

• American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator

• National Register’s Find a Psychologist

• GoodTherapy.org Find a Therapist

Contact Potential Therapists

Finding a psychologist to work with takes time. Compatibility is important and provides the foundation for therapy, so it is natural to spend time speaking and meeting with different therapists.

Sometimes you can call a therapist and get a sense of how you might like working with them on the phone. During this time, you can ask them if they use evidence-based therapies, and what their policies for fees and scheduling are, and if they are accepting new patients. Take notes on how the conversation left you feeling or what concerns/questions it brought up. 

Are you interested in CBT? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer CBT therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

What You Should Know About EMDR

Have you ever heard of EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a kind of psychotherapy that was developed in the 1980s by Francine Shapiro. Dr. Shapiro was walking outdoors in 1987

when she noticed that the distress she was feeling, related to upsetting memories, was lowered when she moved her eyes back and forth. She did further studies on this phenomenon, and eventually developed EMDR as the treatment it is today, as well as the Adaptive Information Processing model to explain how the treatment works. 

While EMDR is a newer treatment, it’s been shown to be incredibly effective in both research and in clinical settings. Many people experience a dramatic decrease in their distress level after EMDR therapy, and studies show it’s effective for many many mental health issues, including trauma, depression, anxiety, and OCD. 

How does it work?

The basic premise of EMDR is that our minds can heal wounds in the same way that our bodies can, but sometimes those wounds don’t heal correctly and cause pain long after the event in question. It’s almost like the painful memories and emotions get stuck. When this happens, we experience negative outcomes like trauma, anxiety, and other kinds of emotional and mental distress. Resolving these issues requires us to access and process these stuck memories and emotions, which happens through EMDR. 

EMDR offers a way to locate, access, and reprocess these stuck memories and emotions. The goal is to change the way the brain is storing these stuck memories so that they stop causing pain. EMDR treatment requires a clinician who is trained in EMDR, because the process of accessing and reprocessing traumatic memories is very sensitive. EMDR therapists have extensive training in the background of why EMDR works, and how to adapt it for different situations based on what the client needs.

What happens during an EMDR session? 

EMDR helps you to locate and reprocess traumatic memories, so it’s not something you can just jump into without preparation. EMDR has 8 phases, and each phase is essential, especially the phases where you work with your therapist to develop resources to help you during upsetting moments. 

• The 8 phases of EMDR are: 

• History & Treatment Planning

• Preparation

• Assessment

The first 3 phases are completed before reprocessing can begin. These phases are focused on understanding how EMDR can help the client based on their history, developing a treatment plan, building a rapport between the client and therapist, providing resources for the client to use in moments of distress, and deciding what event or memory to reprocess. 

• Desensitization

• Installation

• Body Scan

The next 3 phases are the reprocessing phases, where the client works with the therapist to access and reprocess the memory until they no longer feel distress around it. These phases include the bilateral stimulation that EMDR is famous for. Some clinicians will have you use eye movements, tapping, headphones, lights, buzzers, or tappers to direct the bilateral stimulation that allows you to access the memory networks that need reprocessing. 

• Closure

• Reevaluation

The final 2 phases help to build safety for the client as each session ends and begins. Each session will end with helping the client return to a calm state of mind, and each session will begin by checking back in to make sure that their distress level stays low around the reprocessed memory. 

Some of the phases go faster than others, and once you are ready to begin reprocessing, most of your EMDR sessions will be some combination of phases 3-8. 

What can EMDR help with?

EMDR was initially developed to help process trauma, and lessen the effects of PTSD, and it is an incredibly powerful way to treat trauma, including trauma from childhood or abuse. However, research has shown that EMDR can be helpful with a number of other mental health concerns, including: 

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Chronic Pain

• Dissociative Disorders

• Personality Disorders

• Addiction

• Eating Disorders

• Grief

• Self Esteem 

• OCD

EMDR is a treatment that can be used for children, teens, and adults. There are some situations where EMDR is not an appropriate treatment, so it’s important to check with an EMDR therapist to determine if it’s a good treatment choice for you. 

What are the benefits and drawbacks of EMDR?

One of the biggest benefits of EMDR is how effective it is as a treatment. Although it’s a newer treatment modality, there have been many studies conducted on EMDR that show it works. The data showed that EMDR was working for people before we even understood why it worked! Many organizations, including the World Health Organization, the American Psychological Association, and the US Department of Veterans Affairs recognize EMDR as an effective treatment for PTSD and other disorders.

Another major benefit of EMDR is that it doesn’t require a person to talk in detail about the distressing memories they have to reprocess them. EMDR does require you to focus on the memories, but you don’t have to put them into words. While focusing on the memories is definitely upsetting, it’s less intense than having to narrate or fully relive a traumatic memory. EMDR is also fully confined to the therapy session - you won’t have homework to do or be expected to process things on your own, everything will take place with your therapist, which can be appealing. 

Are you interested in EMDR? Our clinicians at Hope+Wellness offer EMDR therapy in our office and online. We serve the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact info@hope-wellness.com.

4 Best Practices for Fact Checking #InstaTherapy Content

Mental health is a popular topic on social media. 

And because mental health care can often be inaccessible for a number of reasons (finances, insurance barriers, location, family/community culture, etc.) that can be a great thing–talking about mental health openly can help to destigmatize the need for care, and to normalize the idea that we all have things to work on. 

But there are a few dangers to relying on social media exclusively for mental health care:

1. You don’t get the full therapy experience, which needs a relationship in which to provide space for healing

2. There’s no factual requirement for posting on social media–meaning the mental health information you’re getting, might not be accurate. 

That doesn’t mean there’s no good information out there on social media–Hope+Wellness is on Instagram where we share bite sized posts from topics we’ve covered on the blog, and we follow plenty of other mental health professionals on that platform who are doing great work! It just means you need to have a bit of care when taking in content related to mental health. 

So what can you do to vet how reliable a mental health resource is on social media?

First ask: Who is the source of this information? 

What are their qualifications? Are they a licensed provider? Are they actively practicing? Is their license bound to any sort of ethics board?

Qualified resources will have their credentials listed publicly. Their qualifications/license type should be either: 

1. Listed in their account bio 

2. Stated clearly on the website linked in their account bio

If you can’t find credentials listed in their account bio, click over to their website to check the home and about pages. Credentials should be easy to find and where you expect them to be–if they are hidden away somewhere that you have to dig for, that’s a warning sign. 

Next: Is what they’re sharing within their scope of practice?

What sort of mental health professional are they? What is their area of expertise and scope of practice? Is the information they are sharing within that scope–or is it unrelated to what they are professionally qualified for? 

For example, mental health professionals shouldn’t be giving the advice of a primary care doctor and vice versa. 

Qualified mental health care professionals should also be making it clear on their profiles that their online presence is intended as therapeutic education, not a replacement for the treatment they offer or a method of seeking diagnosis.  

Check the comments:

While this isn’t always helpful, it’s good to do a quick glance through comments of popular mental health content on social media. If others in the industry are disputing the information in the comments, that’s a good sign to proceed with caution; look up what’s being shared and read more information on it from reputable sources. 

Check in: do they get specific about clients?

Talking about common concerns from the general clients or population they see is one thing–that can be helpful in destigmatizing care or addressing misconceptions, etc. But no mental health professional should be describing their client cases or bragging about their client successes as a way to prove their legitimacy. 

If you’re questioning how specific they are, consider if the person they were talking about found the content; would they be able to identify themselves as the subject of the content? If so–it’s too specific, and actually a HIPAA violation. That’s a big red warning sign that they aren’t considering how their ethical practices need to be translated to social media! 

Keep these best practices in mind when engaging with mental health content on social media: 

• Be selective with who you follow: take your time to check their credentials and make sure they’re creating content within the scope of their practice

• Consider each post on it’s own–don’t just assume something is factual because it’s from a source you followed 

• Use information shared as a jumping off point; go further with resources they provide or begin to look into the topic from other reputable and reliable sources 

• Bring up anything you’re unsure about with your therapist! 

If you’re looking for support in the process of finding a therapist, contact us and we can help personally match you to a therapist based on your needs. 

What is High Functioning Anxiety?

Have you ever heard of high functioning anxiety?

While high functioning anxiety isn’t an official diagnosis, this type of anxiety can be draining and isolating. People who struggle with high functioning anxiety often find themselves motivated by their anxiety to achieve their goals and to appear perfect. Often, they struggle with extreme inner turmoil while on the outside they appear successful. 

What does “high functioning” mean?

In mental health, providers look for clues about how well a person is functioning to assess how deeply they’re impacted by their disorder. Functioning basically means that a person is able to go about their day to day life without significant impairment by their mental health. 

High functioning, then, means that a person is able to function at a higher level than most people. They may be successful at work, active in their communities, outgoing, and organized. 

When someone is dealing with high functioning anxiety, they often appear to be perfect on the surface, even though underneath they are dealing with overthinking, fear of judgment or disappointing others, and racing thoughts. They may struggle with sleep or have a difficult time relaxing. Some cope with their fear of inadequacy by feeling like they can’t say no or falling into people pleasing, or even with substance abuse as a way to lower their distress. They may lose time to overthinking, rumination, and procrastination. 

People with high functioning anxiety are often praised for the positive effects of their anxiety - like being motivated to achieve, being punctual and organized, and being good problem solvers. They may feel that the trade-off for these positive traits is dealing with the negative aspects of anxiety, even when they’re overwhelming. 

How is high functioning anxiety different from regular anxiety?

Anxiety disorders are extremely common. Anxiety often leads people to avoid the situations that increase their anxiety. For example, people with social anxiety may be tempted to avoid social situations to avoid the unpleasant feelings that they bring. 

High functioning anxiety is a little different from other anxiety disorders in that it is often a motivating force. In addition, they often try to hide their symptoms to protect the illusion that they have everything under control. Anxiety can make you feel out of control of your own mind, and some people respond to this lack of control by trying to control everything else they can. 

Folks who deal with high functioning anxiety tend to deal with persistent self-criticism, high levels of stress, extreme self-doubt, and sensitivity to criticism or judgment from others. It’s common for people with this kind of anxiety to feel like they’re losing control or that their life is about to spiral out if they can’t hold it together. 

Feeling like you have to be perfect at all times can create enormous pressure. When you feel like you’re constantly on the verge of losing control, one tiny misstep can be all it takes to send you spiraling. It’s hard to enjoy life when you’re always waiting for something to go wrong.

How do you treat high functioning anxiety?

Anxiety is distressing because it takes you out of the present moment and overwhelms you. Finding ways to return to the present moment before you get carried away with your anxious thoughts can be enormously helpful when dealing with high functioning anxiety. Mindfulness practices and grounding exercises can help you practice interrupting your anxious thoughts and coming back to the present moment.

It may also be helpful to remember that anxiety can have some positive side effects. People who are anxious are often empathetic and compassionate. The problem is when anxiety gets in the way of actually enjoying your life. If your anxiety has gotten to the point where you feel you can’t enjoy your day to day, it may be time to seek professional help. Anxiety is upsetting, but it is treatable. 

If you’re struggling with high functioning anxiety, working with a therapist who is trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you learn how to reframe your thoughts and respond in new ways when you’re distressed. CBT is particularly helpful with anxiety because it helps you identify faulty patterns of thinking that may be second nature to you after a lifetime of dealing with anxiety. Learning how to recognize the patterns that you tend to slip into when anxious can help you spot them more easily when they come up in the future. 

Working with a therapist doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you aren’t capable and successful. Therapy can give you space to explore your fears without judgment and to learn more supportive ways to cope when you’re overwhelmed. Get in touch with our office today to learn more or schedule an appointment. 

4 Practical Ways to Build New Habits

4 Practical Ways to Build New Habits

Have you ever tried to build a new habit?

It can be surprisingly difficult to start doing something new regularly. Doing one small new thing a day (or not doing something) might sound simple, but our brains are complicated, so it doesn’t always end up being that way. 

Thankfully, we know a lot more about the human brain than we used to, which can help us make sense of how habits are built in our nervous system. It’s absolutely possible to build new habits that improve your life, it just takes some patience. 

Habits are “a settled or regular tendency or practice,” or something that you do without really thinking about it. It might be brushing your teeth in the morning, or taking your dog for a walk. A habit tends to be sort of automatic, and such a routine part of your life that it feels strange when you don’t do it. 

Why are habits hard to break and hard to build?

It comes down to our brains. When our brains notice that we do something over and over, they try to make life easier by making a sort of shortcut for that action. Our brains spend all day long taking action, so when they can use a shortcut, it’s usually helpful. These shortcuts are called neural pathways. 

Our brains work by sending electrical signals to our neurons from one area to another. When that path gets used over and over, our brains learn and develop a new neural pathway to send the message more efficiently. This is why after a certain period of time habits become so ingrained that you don’t even really have to think about them.  

Sometimes improving your life isn’t about adding in a new habit, but breaking an old one that is no longer serving you. Breaking habits is just as difficult as building one, because your brain wants to use that neural pathway it’s created for you. It takes time to teach your brain that you’re not using that one anymore. 

So, you want to learn a new habit? Here are 4 practical ways to build new habits:

Unlearn myths about habits

There are a lot of myths out there about habits. One of the most common myths is that it takes just 21 days to build a new habit. This might be true for some people, but it’s not the case for most. For many people, it can take months to develop a habit. If you’ve felt frustrated in the past that you weren’t able to establish a new habit in 21 days, know that you are not the problem! The expectation that we can re-wire our brains in 3 weeks is often what leads people to feel frustrated. 

Another problematic myth about habits is that they are good or bad. As with much in life, things are rarely that black and white. There's a gray area that's important to notice. 

Instead of trying to view habits as good or bad, try to assess them by whether they’re supportive or unsupportive. Does this habit help you feel good about yourself and meet your goals? Does it align with your values? Does it support who you are now, or is it no longer necessary? 

When you shift from thinking about habits in terms of good and bad, it’s easier to remove the judgment you feel and treat yourself with compassion. 

Try habit stacking

Remember those neural pathways we talked about earlier? Those shortcuts give you a built-in hack to start a new habit. A habit stack is when you put a new habit alongside one you’ve already mastered. 

So, if you’d like to develop a habit where you spend time meditating each day, try sticking it next to a habit you already do daily - like brewing coffee or charging your phone. When you’re done getting your coffee ready, jump right into meditation until it’s ingrained. It’s easier to remember to fold in a new habit alongside an established one, instead of forgetting half of the time. 

Examine barriers

A lot of times when we try to implement new habits, we only do so in optimal conditions, like when we’re feeling healthy and not too stressed. When life inevitably gets in the way of your new routine, it can be tricky to keep up! Often new habits are the first things we drop in times of overwhelm, because they’re not ingrained in the neural networks in our brains yet. So when you’re building a new habit, it’s important to zoom out and look for potential barriers that could get in the way of this new habit. 

Do you struggle to get the laundry done because you don’t have a set time in your schedule? Or maybe because you have to travel to the laundromat, and when your schedule gets busy you don’t have time? Whatever the barrier is, write it down, and try to come up with as many solutions as possible to give yourself opportunities to overcome what’s getting in the way of this new habit. Having a plan for when those barriers happen will help you feel less overwhelmed when they do pop up. 

Go slow

You’re not going to be able to completely overhaul your habits overnight. It can be a fun energy boost to start a new habit, but try to avoid the temptation to do too much at once and build your habits one at a time. 

If you try to do too much too fast, you run the risk of burning yourself out instead of being able to stick with the habit for the long haul. Work on one habit at a time so you can have time to build that new neural pathway so the habit becomes almost automatic. Once you have to think less about the habit to get it done, you can add in the next one. 

Have patience and compassion with yourself because you’re doing your best! Our brains are complicated and take more time to learn than you might like. You’re worthy of compassion anyway! 

Are you looking for more support as you build new habits? A therapist can help you discover what habits are no longer supportive for you and examine the barriers you face in implementing new ones, along with so much more. You can get started in one click!

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice

Are you someone who likes to improve yourself?

We all like to think that we’re the best versions of ourselves. Life is full of lessons, and as humans we’re always learning and changing. What was important to you 6 years ago is probably different from what was important to you 6 months ago. Our values shift, we gain more experiences in the world, and we learn more about ourselves along the way. Change happens naturally, but there are also times when people actively seek out changes in their lives in a self-development practice.

Life would be pretty boring if everything stayed the same forever. Wanting to work on self-development or improve yourself doesn’t mean that you’re not happy with where your life is right now. Sometimes that’s the case for people, but often people decide to work on themselves because they love and value who they are and want the best for themselves. 

When going down the road of self-development, it can be tempting to compare yourself to everyone else.

There’s always going to be someone who seems like they’re doing everything better than you - work, family, friends, romance, hobbies. Remember that what you’re seeing is the highlight reel. Most people hide the tricky parts of life on social media, so everything looks super easy and simple. Real life is complicated, and it’s okay. You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else, even when you’re working on self-development. 

To help you avoid the comparison trap, try to keep in mind why you’re working on self-development. What is your goal? Working on yourself can help you:

• Learn new things

• Have new experiences

• Meet new people

• Live out your values

• Break bad habits

• Change the way you relate to people

• Work on regulating your emotions

Wanting to improve doesn’t mean you didn’t like who you were before. It can mean that you want to give yourself new experiences, you believe in your abilities, or even that someone inspired you to do things differently. Whatever your reasons, There are some simple steps you can take to start a self-development practice. 

Here are 5 suggestions for how you can start a self-development practice for yourself: 

Read as much as you can

Making time for reading can be a tall order these days, but reading is a major way to learn new things. With reading, you can experience different points of view, explore new concepts, and give your brain something to do besides endless scrolling. Whether you like to read books, magazines, newspapers, ereaders, articles, or something else, there’s something out there for you. When you spend more time reading, you also have less time to spend on things like social media or a Netflix binge. 

Be accountable for harm you cause

We all cause harm. We all make mistakes. That’s a part of life! We don’t all learn how to be accountable for the harm we cause, though. It’s tough to admit to yourself that you hurt someone or caused harm somewhere. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t help anyone, though. 

When a situation comes up where you don’t react the way you want to, own up to it. Apologize if you need to. Make a plan for how you’re going to prevent it from happening again. It’s hard to do this, but it gets easier with practice. It also gets easier when you remind yourself that even when you cause harm, you are still worthy, valuable, and lovable as a person. Doing harm isn’t great, but it doesn’t negate everything else that you are either. We all cause harm at some point or another, so try to lead with compassion, even for yourself. 

Practice self-soothing

Lots of us don’t learn how to make ourselves feel better in effective ways until fairly late in life. We all have moments where we’re in distress, but in those moments it is tough to know what will actually make us feel better. Teaching yourself how to self-soothe is a skill that will pay off over and over. 

There are tons of ways to self-soothe. Some people find movement really soothing. Others like to practice grounding techniques or use DBT skills to manage distress. Therapy can help teach you different ways to cope when you’re feeling distressed which you can then take with you into your everyday life and use as needed. 

Make time for rest

We all need to rest, and we often don’t make time for it until we’re totally burned out. Sleep makes a huge difference, but sleep isn’t the only type of rest there is. Taking time where you’er truly not doing anything is just as important as getting enough sleep. When you’re not getting enough sleep, your body and brain don’t have the chance to repair themselves and process things. When you don't’ make enough time for rest, you set yourself up for burnout and stress.

Practice self reflection

Part of improving yourself is being honest with yourself when things aren’t working. If there are habits or patterns that are no longer working for you, it can be hard to admit that you need to make a change. However, remaining in denial just means that you’re going to be stuck in the same patterns. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that things aren’t exactly how you want them to be right now. This can also give you a chance to explore 

Are you looking for more ways to improve yourself? Working with a therapist can help you learn more about yourself and your patterns so you can make changes if you want to. Get in touch with our office today to get started. 

7 Ways to Spend Your Time for Better Mental Health

How do you normally spend your time?

How we spend our time can be a huge contributor to our health, both mental and physical. It’s important to spend our time in ways that nourish and take care of ourselves (both in our body and in our mind) as well as provide balance so we’re not just treating ourselves like machines who don’t need variation. 

One method of doing this is called the Healthy Mind Platter, and it was created by Dr. Dan Siegel. In this framework, Dr. Siegel provides seven uses of our time as different portions on a platter, similar to the food pyramid guiding us on recommended dietary nutrition. According to Dr. Siegal, these seven uses of our time are the best ways to tend to our mental health and well being. 

These seven uses of our time are: 

• Sleep time

• Physical time

• Focus time

• Time in 

• Down time

• Play Time 

• Concentrating time

Not all seven have to be part of your routine every single day, in fact humans need variation. But having a regular balance of these seven types of time in general helps to optimize your brain function and contribute to your overall well being. 

So what does each type of these seven “times” consist of? Let’s break it down! 

Sleep time: 

This one is pretty obvious. This is when you sleep! But just because it feels obvious doesn’t actually mean it’s second nature to us. Many of us don’t have proper sleep hygiene, and we don’t even realize how much that can affect our day to day lives! But our health, our mood, our cognitive abilities and our energy levels. So being mindful about when you’re going to sleep, the environment you’re sleeping in, your physical comfort while you’re sleeping, etc. are all important considerations! 

Physical time: 

Do you know what the mind body connection is? There are many links between our mental health and our physical health–so when we tend to one, we often inadvertently tend to the other. That means finding joyful ways to engage yourself physically is so crucial to mental health! And it doesn’t have to be exercise how we often think of it, anything that gets you moving and present in your body counts. That could be gardening, playing with a pet, going dancing. There are ways to find joy in moving your body without it being an emotional burden! 

Focus time: 

This is when we commit to a task that requires focus, problem solving or is goal oriented in some way. Many of us naturally have this worked into our schedules with our work, but it doesn’t have to be work! You could do a puzzle, sudoku, or even something like go to an escape room!

Time in: 

This is reflection time. Time you take for yourself to consider yourself, any problems you’re facing, your values, current actions, etc. It could be through therapy, journaling, or some other type of self expressive art, as long as the purpose is to dive in and explore what you’re thinking and feeling. 

Down time: 

Down time is another one that is just what it sounds like–time for relaxing and resting! This is when you give your mind and body a real break. This would be any sort of “mindless” hobby like watching TV you’ve seen before, painting your nails, sitting and listening to music, etc. You’re enjoying your time but you aren’t required to do anything other than give your brain a break! 

Play time: 

Yes, adults need play time too! Having time designated to being creative and playful is key for keeping our brains active and strong, even beyond childhood. This can be any sort of hobby you have where you get to be creative, silly, and are free from the expectation to be productive in any way. 

Connecting Time

Connecting time is ideally spent in person with someone else, but that isn’t the only way you can connect to others. And, as we’re living through a pandemic it’s not always possible to see everyone you want to see in person. So, make time for in person connections when you can (meeting a friend for lunch, inviting family to your house, taking a class with someone, etc.) but allow yourself to get creative about other ways to connect too. Can you write a friend a letter and become pen pals? Can you schedule a regular phone call with friends who live far away? 

Do you need help figuring out how your routine can better support your mental health? We can help! Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help change the way you treat yourself. Get in touch today to book a session!

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them?

Have you ever heard the term “coping skills” and wondered what that means? Coping skills are pretty popular these days as a buzzword on social media and health websites. There are lots of great tips out there on how to use coping skills, but it’s harder to find information out there about what coping skills are and why we develop them in the first place.

Coping skills are strategies or tools that you can use to manage stressful or distressing situations. Coping skills let you decrease your level of stress and handle difficult emotions in a way that maintains your sense of internal order. 

Most of us have coping skills in one way or another - getting through life is hard, and we all need ways to support our journey.

Coping skills or strategies are a way to manage stress both in the moment and long-term. Stress can cause all kinds of negative problems, like irritability, heart problems, and sleep disturbances. 

Coping skills offer options for getting through moments of distress until you can find a safe place to process what’s going on. It’s not always feasible to feel and process everything you need to in the moment, especially when emotions are heightened. Coping strategies let you get through the moment until you’re able to find a safe place, like a therapy session, to unpack the situation. 

Coping skills come in two basic forms, problem-based and emotion-based. Some people also conceptualize coping skills as being short term, to get you through the moment, or long-term, to help maintain balance in your life. 

As the name suggests, problem-based coping skills come up when there’s a problem or situation that you need to deal with. Problem-based coping skills can also be useful for long-term coping. For example, if you find yourself chronically tired, a problem-based coping skill would be to develop a nighttime routine that works for you. It may take time to implement, but establishing the habit of getting a good night’s sleep can help prevent future stresses from overwhelming you. Emotion-based coping skills allow you to take care of your feelings when things are out of your control or when you’re overwhelmed in the moment. 

Someone who grows up in an emotionally abusive home would probably rely more on emotion-based coping strategies. Since the person being abused has no control over the abuse, emotion based coping skills can help them deal with the abuse until they can escape it. However, problem-based coping skills may be helpful to them when they are at an age where they can leave the abusive home. 

Here are some common coping strategies that people use to deal with tough situations: 

• Negative self talk

• Catastrophizing or other cognitive distortions

• Worrying

• Escaping through books, media, and imagination

• Self-soothing with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc.

• Compulsive behaviors like shopping or gambling

• Numbing out with alcohol or drugs

• Getting too much or too little sleep

• Self-harm

• Reckless behaviors, like driving too fast

While all of these coping skills can provide relief in the moment, these are not all supportive habits in the long term. Sometimes, the coping skills we use to protect ourselves get out of control. This can happen when folks rely on things like substances to cope, for example. 

Lots of times, people refer to certain coping skills as ‘healthy’ or “unhealthy”, although more helpful terms might be supportive or unsupportive.

Many of us developed coping strategies to get through hard times, like trauma or mental illness. Those coping skills allowed you to survive. It’s okay if you had to use coping skills that aren’t supportive long-term. Whatever coping skills you’ve had to use in the past, they’ve allowed you to keep going to where you are today. There’s nothing to be ashamed of! 

Although the coping strategies you’ve used up until now  might not be ideal for you currently, you are don’t have to view them as unhealthy. You can instead decide that you’re looking for coping strategies that are supportive of where you are right now, instead of relying on ones that have gotten you to this point so far. You can even go so far as to thank your old coping skills for helping you stay alive until now. If you’re looking to find some new coping skills that are more supportive of where you are now, you have options. 

It can be helpful to have a list of coping skills ready to go for a time when you’re feeling distressed or overwhelmed. When you’re in the moment, it can be hard to think clearly, especially when you’re upset. Having a list handy helps take away the need to come up with ways to support yourself, so you can just jump right in to using your coping strategies. 

Here are some coping strategies that you may find more supportive long-term:

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Grounding techniques

• Breathwork

• Meditation or mindfulness practice

• Taking a bath

• Spending time outside 

• Cooking or baking

• Being creative

• Gardening

• Gentle physical movement

• Playing with a pet

• Listening to music

• Drinking a warm beverage

• Reading 

• Setting boundaries

• Going to therapy

If you’re looking for more support as you explore your coping skills and establish new ones, a therapist can help suggest skills that fit your needs. Unpacking your history of coping skills with a therapist can be a helpful way to identify what’s working and what isn’t!