HOPE+WELLNESS BLOG
little snippets and advice for
everyday challenges many people share
How to Ask for Help When You Need It
Asking for help can be intimidating. Discover how to tell when you need help and how to make asking for help easier.
Do you feel comfortable asking for help?
If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone.
As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it.
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative.
If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support.
The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel.
How to know when you need help
Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever.
So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include:
Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out
Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition
Being physically unable to do things for yourself
Losing interest in things you care about
Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you
Feeling unable to meet your needs
So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions:
Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel
It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need.
Think about what gets in the way of asking for help
When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time.
Know what you’re asking for
It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into?
Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation
There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation.
There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this:
Describe the problem or situation
Express how you feel about it
Assert your need for help
Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you
Mindfully focus on your goal
Appear confident
Negotiate if necessary
Approach people you trust and have a relationship with
Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well.
Don’t beat yourself up for needing help
Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself!
What to do when you ask for help and are told no
Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help.
Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help.
Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.
Five Tools For Managing Loneliness and Building Connection
The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then.
It’s normal to feel lonely.
The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then. Sometimes it’s short lived, and other times it lingers, making it harder to break out of.
Instead of withdrawing, here are seven things you can do when you’re lonely.
Ending a relationship with a friend is difficult for a number of reasons, one of which is the feeling of loneliness that comes from that loss. Just like in a romantic breakup, where you once had the routine of going to that person with news and plans and jokes and stressors, you now have to find somewhere new to turn, and build new routines and relationships without them. Even when that’s the right choice, it can feel very lonely for a while.
Relationships take time to build, so there is a period after ending a relationship, where you do feel less supported and resourced than when you had someone to fill that role. The grief that comes with that loneliness is common, and nothing to feel shame about. The loneliness is also common–and remember it’s temporary.
For more support on managing that loneliness, read 4 tips for dealing with a friend breakup
Strong friendships are some of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships we can have. But if you’re struggling with loneliness, making new friends can seem impossible. It’s hard to be so vulnerable like that as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s natural to enter a new space and find new friends in it–and, because of the way your life is constructed, it’s easier to find yourself surrounded by peers as a child. As an adult, a conscious effort must be made to go out into new places and to connect with new people. And that can be scary!
It’s okay to admit it’s hard to meet new people you connect with. And when you’re ready, here are some ideas on what to do about it.
Friendships occupy a very important place in our lives and communities. They are the family we choose, and those relationships can be just as close, supportive, and intimate as romantic or familial relationships. But it doesn’t happen without work. Just as you have to work with a romantic partner to understand and care for one another, the same work is required of intimate friendships.
While having these intimate friendships only enriches our lives–giving us more opportunities for joy, for connection, for feeling seen and heard, for providing and accessing support, etc–most of what we hear about in regards to relationship work is about romantic relationships.
You need a variety of support in your life, and learning to tend to your friendships with intention is a wonderful way to provide that for yourself.
When addressing loneliness it’s also important to look at the larger picture outside of your individual relationships. What does your relationship to your community look like? Do you feel connected to your community, the resources and opportunities and connections it offers? Or do you exist alongside your community, without feeling familiar enough to claim a place in it?
Strong communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc.
The basic function of cultivating a strong community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone.
Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians.
Why is Making Friends as an Adult so Hard? + What to Do About It
Friendships become communities of support–communities which go against the American ideal of self sufficiency. Because they present this sort of counter-culture to the American way, we don’t put value onto platonic relationships the way we do with others and we don’t learn how to make, cultivate and sustain intimate them. So what can you do?
We’ve talked a bit before about what’s being called a loneliness epidemic in America–how people are having trouble right now not only making friends but keeping friends. And loneliness has real impacts on both our mental and our physical health. And according to this, loneliness puts a person at:
A 29% increased risk of heart disease
a 32% increased risk of stroke
a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults
an elevated mortality risk that is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
Knowing how important having a wealth of relationships is our to our health and happiness, why is it so hard to make friends?
There are a lot of reasons it’s so hard to make friends, especially as an adult. With the COVID pandemic, there was a necessary increase in self isolating habits. With various waves of quarantining and learning to stay distant and masked from others in public, to be more discerning of where you went to be conscientious of health risks to ourselves and others, it’s no wonder we’re all a little lonelier. Especially college students and other young adults who were entering major transitional periods in their lives when the pandemic hit, well known paths to creating relationships were suddenly unsafe or unavailable.
But the pandemic isn’t the only cause for the lack of friendships in our lives. Other reasons can include things like:
Financial restraints:
While the pandemic has brought out a new wave of mutual aid and community resources, when it comes to public spaces most of the time it’s pay to stay. It’s hard to go out and find a place outside of your house where people can just be. And while there may be a thriving arts and culture scene in your city or town, you might not be able to afford to go to the events that exist on a regular enough basis to meet people and befriend them.
Young adulthood is also a time when people frequently move for work–when you’re freshly graduated or new to a field, you have to go where you can get work! But moving itself is a huge cost, and that means there’s often very little left over to go out and spend in new social spaces. And when you’re new to an area you might not even know where to start when it comes to meeting new people.
Cultural priorities:
American culture doesn’t place a lot of value on tending to platonic relationships. Mostly, the value is places on heterosexual romantic relationships and “traditional” family structures (ie. family structures that uphold patriarchal power). Take this example from the American Survey Center:
“Overall, more than half (53 percent) of Americans say that the first person they talk to when they have a personal problem is their spouse or partner. Sixteen percent of the public say they go to a friend first when confronting a personal issue, and 10 percent say they rely on their parents.”
Friendships become communities of support–communities which go against the American ideal of self sufficiency. Because they present this sort of counter-culture to the American way, we don’t put value onto platonic relationships the way we do with others and we don’t learn how to make, cultivate and sustain intimate them/
The American ethic also prioritizes work above all–so feeling the need to turn down invitations or restrict time with others in order to get work done is so commonplace we don’t even question it.
Accessibility/Marginalization:
As we’ve said before: discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.
For some people, whether they’re people of color, visibly queer or gender nonconforming, disabled, or marginalized in some other way, venturing into new spaces is dangerous and fraught with all sorts of concerns about whether you’ll be tolerated, welcomed, ignored, or worse.
So what can you do?
Start small:
You don’t have to snap up every opportunity that comes up in your desire to meet new people and make new friends. That’s a one way ticket to burnout! Instead, go to things you’re really excited about–not things you have to convince yourself to go to.
Find local groups to follow online–lots of organizations do their promotional work and networking on Instagram, you can find them via local hashtags or check and see who local businesses and friends are following.
When you do find clubs, groups or organizations you’re interested in, you can follow their accounts to see what types of events they tend to host, how often they show up, etc. so you can decide if it’s a group you want to try out
A tip: If you follow them for longer than a month or two without going to an event ask yourself if you’re really interested in going or if it’s just taking up space on your feed.
Find something you’re interested in, whether you experience it alone or not. Then you’ll be looking forward to it, whether or not you “meet” your goal of making new friends, and the open, positive attitude will help you connect with people more naturally.
Starting off with just one new thing (whether it’s a club, somewhere to volunteer, a class to take) will help you manage your energy and balance your own needs as you try something new–which can often required some extra self care and attention to yourself!
Instead of taking a bunch of classes to increase your chances of meeting a bunch of people and making a bunch of friends, join one class and commit to it. Really try to learn and connect with the people in that class, instead of making a bunch of surface level connections that will peter out as soon as the classes are over.
Set boundaries:
How much time do you need alone to take care of yourself and recharge? How long does it take for happy scrolling to turn into unhappy scrolling on social media? Set boundaries around how long you spend online and what you look at so it does its job of helping you connect instead of increasing your loneliness.
Try to be consistent:
If you join a club, show up to as many meetings as you reasonably can. If you sign up to volunteer somewhere, don’t drop in and out unexpectedly. If you enroll in a class, show up for each lesson. When you’re consistently showing up somewhere, consistently interacting with people, you get a chance to know them better and more opportunities to turn acquaintances into friendships
Ask for help:
It’s okay if you don’t know where to start. Loneliness is hard to combat, and trying to do it on our own is a losing battle. Reach out to friends in other cities. How did they meet people when they moved? What do they like to do when they’re feeling lonely? Even if they don’t have tips that will work for you, they probably can relate to feelings of loneliness. And that connection can help both of you feel less alone.
A therapist is a good resource too. If you don’t know where to start when it comes to making new friends and managing loneliness, talking to your therapist about what obstacles you’re facing is a great first step.
A therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians.
7 Things to Do When You’re Lonely
Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects.
Do you struggle with feeling lonely?
We all feel lonely from time to time, but studies show that loneliness is an increasingly large problem for mental and physical wellbeing. Since the pandemic, loneliness has increased.
Loneliness and social isolation are often thought to be the same thing, but there’s actually an important difference. As the CDC explains, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” You can become lonely from social isolation, but social isolation is not a requirement for loneliness.
Why are we lonely?
Everyone has moments where they feel lonely. When loneliness doesn’t pass, it can be very distressing. Part of the reason why loneliness is so prevalent is that, as a culture, we tend to value independence, often at the expense of our health. Humans are meant to live and be supported in communities, as we’re social creatures. When society tells you that success means being able to do everything on your own, it can be hard to let go of that message.
A study from Harvard shows that “36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.” While we were lonely before the pandemic, the stress and isolation of the early pandemic days and the way it shifted how we live and work had a serious impact on loneliness. It was hard enough before the pandemic to get everything done that you needed to and make time for social connections. Now 3 years later, we’re exhausted mentally and physically from coping, and it might feel even harder to maintain the social connections that keep us from feeling lonely.
It’s also been shown in studies that marginalized groups, like Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, immigrants, LGBTQ folks, and disabled people, tend to feel loneliness at higher rates than non-marginalized groups. Discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.
What does loneliness feel like?
You probably already know that loneliness doesn’t feel great. Feeling lonely is a negative emotion, so it can be distressing and painful. Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely.
Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you.
Being lonely has real, measurable effects on health and wellbeing. Loneliness can lead to:
Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders
An increased risk for dementia
Heart disease and stroke
Thoughts of suicide
Premature death
Sleep problems
Substance use
Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects.
How can you cope with feeling lonely? Here are 7 suggestions:
Join things
One of the best ways to build connections with people is to put yourself out there and join things. This might seem like something you will never do, but it really does make a difference. It’s going to be impossible to build new connections if you don’t try some new things, or you would have made those connections already. Even though it seems intimidating, try joining a club, organization, hobby group, or class. Start small, and go from there as you build confidence in your ability to put yourself out there.
The key here is to find something that is important to you or that you really connect with. If you really love animals, call your local animal shelter or humane society to see if they need help, or sign up to be a part time pet sitter. If you like to read, check out your local bookstore to see if they have any upcoming events, or a book club you can join. If you’re interested in art, see if there are any art classes or events at local galleries that you can check out.
Be kind to yourself
Being lonely is tricky enough, so try not to be hard on yourself for feeling the way you feel. Even though it’s painful, it’s okay to feel what you feel. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, from others as well as from yourself.
Social media also has a big impact on loneliness. When you can see an endless stream of pictures of other people having fun together, it can make you feel even more alone. Remember that you’re not seeing the full picture of what’s going on through someone’s social media posts. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially on social media.
Explore the reasons behind your loneliness
Coping with the feeling of loneliness can be such a big task that it’s easy to forget to explore why loneliness is there in the first place. However, it’s worth looking into the reasons behind your loneliness so you can prevent it in the future.
Do you feel like you don’t have friends or loved ones who understand you? Are you having interpersonal problems? Does social media make you feel left out or less than? Do you worry that everyone is judging you and that is what makes it hard to reach out? When you can pinpoint the reasons behind why you feel lonely, you can make some changes. If no one understands you, it might be time to explore some groups that have similar interests. If you are having interpersonal problems, working with a therapist can help you find new ways to relate to people and how to explore conflict in a healthy way. It will take a lot of introspection and compassion, but exploring what’s behind your loneliness gives you a road map of how to fix it.
Invest in your current relationships
When you’re lonely, it can be easy to talk yourself out of reaching out to the people in your life. You might feel like they don’t want to hear from you or that they’re too busy for you. Remember that you can’t read minds, though! Your assumption about how they’ll respond might be way off, and the only way to find out is to ask. Reach out to the people you already know to connect and make plans, or even just to share that you’re feeling lonely and thinking of them.
When your loved ones reach out to you to ask how you’re doing, it’s okay to let them know that you’re feeling lonely. Talking about it can release some of the shame that you may not even realize you were holding onto. It’s also easier to ask for help from someone who already knows what’s going on. You might be surprised to find out that the people in your life are also feeling lonely, as it’s extremely common these days.
Find something you like to do solo
Spending time by yourself is more enjoyable when you have something you like to do. Explore some new hobbies or activities to see what you like doing on your own. Maybe you really like taking your dog for long walks, or maybe doing a puzzle is more your speed. Try things like: playing an instrument, collaging, painting, drawing, knitting/crocheting, crossword puzzles, reading, thrifting, gardening, cooking or baking, hiking, journaling, bird watching,
Ask for help
Loneliness doesn’t have to last forever, but it can feel hard to break out of feeling isolated. When you’re struggling with being lonely, it’s okay to reach out for support. Friends and family can probably relate to what you’re going through, and the people that care about you probably want to help. We’re not meant to go through life alone, and it’s okay to ask your community for support.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or loved ones, try talking to your primary care physician about what you’re going through. They might even have some resources to point you toward so you can meet new people and strengthen your current connections. A therapist can also be a great resource when coping with loneliness, because you can explore the reasons behind your feelings as well as new ways to cope.
Go out of your comfort zone
This is such frustrating advice, because no one wants to really go outside their comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable! However, you don’t always have to go too far out of your comfort zone to make new connections. Start with a little baby step out of your comfort zone.
Instead of keeping to yourself the next time you walk around your neighborhood, try leaving your headphones at home and saying hi to anyone you walk by. Pick one social event a month that you’re going to check out. Google free events in your area or through interest groups that you care about. Many cities and towns have event calendars on their websites so you can find things going on, and you can also find events listed on Eventbrite and Facebook. See if you can pick one new thing to try and see how that feels.
Coping with feeling lonely can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians.
Balancing Self and Community Care
How do we find balance between individual responsibility and collective care?
We know that self care is important.
With so much conversation surrounding burnout in the last few years, we’re maybe more aware than ever how essential self care is!
Unfortunately, the root of burnout often can’t be addressed on the individual level. By nature, burnout isn’t just feeling tired, it’s a complete depletion of your mental, physical and emotional energy, often as a result of being overworked, underpaid and burdened with responsibilities beyond what you can reasonably manage on your own. This isn’t something that just resting more can fix. While it certainly doesn’t hurt, it’s important to remember that it’s not personal failure when you can’t self-care your way out of burnout.
So if individual changes can’t fix burnout why bother?
Reading that may have felt disheartening. It can make it feel like it’s pointless to put real effort into taking care of yourself–if there’s a larger system burning you out, why bother putting your energy toward trying to counter it when it’s not your lifestyle causing the problem?
In one sense, it’s not fair to have to do extra work to counteract the effects of an unruly system. It’s reflective of healthism–turning systemic or collective issues into problems for the individual to solve. It’s a common predicament that doesn’t just apply to mental health. Think back to the controversy following the banning of plastic straws in certain states–while fossil fuels and corporate giants are the ones causing the most damage to the environment, the burden of the “solution” was put onto the individual consumer, when it turns out straws are actually a very small part of the problem.
Because we live in such an individualistic culture, it can be hard to find the line between “this problem is caused by something bigger than me, so it’s not my problem” and “it’s my job to sacrifice my own well being for the good of my community.” We often think it has to be one or the other, but in reality it’s a blend! Caring for ourselves requires a healthy community, and we can’t have a healthy community when it’s completely neglected due to lack of a sense of collective responsibility.
How do we find balance between individual responsibility and collective care?
Take the environmental example. Yes, large corporations, billionaires, fossil fuels, and agriculture are the largest contributors to climate change. No, recycling or reducing individual waste won’t tip the scales or undo the damage caused by all those entities larger than you. Does that mean you have no responsibility to your environment or community? But if everyone takes that stance, the damage will only get worse and worse. And the mindset of “it’s someone else’s problem” gets culturally stronger every time we decide not to think of our community when we act. No, it won’t reverse climate change to clear the garbage off of your yard, but it will help make your neighborhood a nice place to walk around and spend time, which can in turn increase your sense of community and belonging, improving your mental health (and probably your physical health–you’ll want to be out and active more if it’s a nice place to be!)
Taking time to identify your values can help you find the balance between caring for yourself and caring for your community. What is important to you?
For example, maybe body positivity is something that you’re passionate about. While cultivating practices for yourself such as gentle, joyful movement, intimate touch, prioritizing filling and delicious meals, etc. are all wonderful expressions of self care, you can also find ways to cultivate community care for the same thing. Maybe there are local groups you can help coordinate plus size clothing swaps for so plus size members in your community can get fresh additions to their wardrobe without financial burden. Or maybe there’s an organization like Food Not Bombs you can volunteer for to help others achieve food security–a key component for a good relationship with one’s body.
Caring for your community is caring for yourself.
None of us can survive on self care alone. It’s just not possible! You didn’t bring yourself into this world, and just about everything since then has required the help of others. No matter how self-sufficient you are, there will be times when you will need the support of others.
If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, and balance self & community care, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started.
Cultivating Strong Community Ties for Better Mental Health
To put it simply, communities are crucial to health because everyone needs a support system–health is made up of many moving parts, all of which can be tended to by different community relationships and resources.
We recently talked about healthism–the belief that pursuit of health is the most important aspect of life; a mindset that equates healthy with good and unhealthy with bad or lazy–and how it can impede our healing.
If you missed it, healthism, rather than emphasizing a loving self care ethic, uses shame and guilt as motivators and is limited by a narrow, inaccurate view of health. With healthism, things like mental or chronic illness are overlooked, holistic health is not considered, and it often functions as a tool of capitalism–in the sense that the purpose of healthism is often not about helping you tune into your own needs in order to tend to your own wellness, but rather about selling you some new tool to take care of your “health” for you.
The main way this functions is by making everything the individual’s fault–your health issues are your fault because of the habits you do or don’t have, the food you do or don’t eat, or the wellness tools you do or don’t buy.
Within healthism there is no recognition of the importance of the collective.
We can look at that same quote from Healthism and the Medicalization of Everyday Life by Robert Crawford:
“…healthism situates the problem of health and disease at the level of the individual. Solutions are formulated at that level as well. To the extent that healthism shapes popular beliefs, we will continue to have a non-political, and therefore, ultimately ineffective conception and strategy of health promotion. Further, by elevating health to a super value, a metaphor for all that is good in life, healthism reinforces the privatization of the struggle for generalized well-being.”
Crawford was speaking politically here, but it’s more than politics alone. The removal of the individual from the collective reduces not only political power, but your mental health, sense of belonging and purpose, physical health, access to resources, and more.
In short, community is crucial to healing!
Why community matters to health:
To put it simply, communities are crucial to health because everyone needs a support system–health is made up of many moving parts, all of which can be tended to by different community relationships and resources.
Communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. The basic function of a community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone.
We live in a culture that doesn’t value community in the same way other cultures do.
The American dream and the American work ethic demand progress, upward movement, hustle, and making a name for yourself by yourself. The value is on what an individual can do alone, and how quickly.
Consider American culture, where it’s common for young adults to move out of their family homes as soon as they are financially able to do so (and sometimes before), as opposed to many Eastern cultures, where it’s common for homes to be multigenerational, living together with three or more generations of family members to the benefit of all.
That has shifted slightly in the wake of COVID, where many experienced how isolated our capitalistic values system has made us, and many are finding they long to be more active members in their communities, or have stronger community ties.
What do strong community ties do for our mental health?
One thing strong community ties can do for us is help to decrease feelings of anxiety and depression.
If you know you don’t have to figure a way through everything on your own, not every obstacle feels so emergent, so high stakes. There's safety in community that can help mitigate feelings of anxiety, and feelings of depression can decrease as you become less isolated.
Strong community ties also help you to practice healing through relationships.
Part of the work we do in therapy is the work of healing through a new, safer relationship. We’re able to come up against feelings of fear, anxiety, rage, shame, and more have someone sit with us as we find new ways to cope. Supportive communities give you the chance to write new relationship scripts in similar ways! When you’ve experienced a lack of love or safety in traditional community relationships (like family), building a chosen family through community relationships can help you to heal that wound, and learn new, healthier ways to be in relationships of all kinds.
Being an active part of a strong community can also help you identify your values.
It’s hard to figure out what is important to us when we’re living a life of isolation. Finding groups of like-minded people, or people with similar interests can help get your mind turning when it comes to what is important to you and how you would like to live those values through action.
Ways to build your community:
If you’re feeling lonely, it can be hard to know where to start. Here are a few ideas, some very easy, some requiring a little more intention, to start building a community around you:
Make time to see local friends regularly
Introduce yourself to your neighbors
Go for walks in your neighborhood regularly
Introduce yourself to anyone you see regularly who you might not know (your mailman, your barista, the person on the corner you pass every week, etc.)
Take a class-local artists often hold classes on their craft, libraries and recreation centers often have free, pay what you can, or affordable classes, and may know other places in the community that offer classes
Join a club–you can find them on places like Meetup, post on your local subreddit to ask about specific kinds of clubs, or ask friends or people you know if they’re in clubs they enjoy! If you feel awkward about asking people directly, you could do something easy like post on your instagram story and ask locals to DM you with any info they have on clubs–club members are always excited to get new people interested in their events!
Find a server of local events, subscribe to local papers’ newsletters to stay up to date with local events
Go to free community centers like the library; they often have a calendar of free or affordable events, may facilitate classes or book clubs, etc.
Community gardens are becoming more popular–check for one in or near your neighborhood, see if they’re looking for volunteers or if they have social events to help support the garden
Go to local independent shops; local bookstores often have book clubs or reading events, local record shops often have cheap local shows, indie movie theaters sometimes have discounted movie + discussion nights. Independent shops are common spots for local clubs to hold events, if there’s somewhere you like to shop, see if they have a calendar of events!
Find somewhere to volunteer
If you’re religious or spiritual, attend in person services, spiritual events, etc.
Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians.
Racial Justice Resources
As attention on the movement on social media begins to die down, we wanted to share a small directory of racial justice resources. Anti-racism is lifelong work that will often feel uncomfortable. But it’s important to commit to that lifetime of learning, listening, and doing better if we ever want to see real change.
Over the last few weeks, the Black Lives Matter Movement has become hypervisible on social media. While not a new movement by any means, the exposure we have had to racial injustice in this country over the last month has drawn more attention than ever to the work–both community based and internal–that non-Black Americans have to do.
As attention on the movement on social media begins to die down, we wanted to share a small directory of racial justice resources. Anti-racism is lifelong work that will often feel uncomfortable. But it’s important to commit to that lifetime of learning, listening, and doing better if we ever want to see real change.
Here are some resources that can help you navigate this work:
Books to Read:
Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad
How to Be an Anti Racist by Ibram X Kendi
Are Prisons Obsolete? By Angela Davis
The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander
The End to Policing by Alex Vitale
Directories, Resource Documents & Syllabi:
Voices to Follow and Learn From:
Things to remember:
Lots of intellectual labor has been provided by Black folks for free. If you are using the resources they have taken the time to put together (and have the financial means yourself) look for ways they would like to be compensated. This could be a venmo/paypal link, a link to an organization they are trying to raise money for, etc.
Google is your friend! Jumping into this work can be confusing and overwhelming. When you come across something you don’t understand, instead of asking for free labor from BIPOC (Black Indigenous People of Color), take time to do your own research.
You are going to mess up. None of us are perfect–and there isn’t an expectation that we have to be. Your character and intentions will be shown through how well you respond to & listen to criticism, rather than through magically never saying the wrong thing.
Allyship is an action, not an identity. You can’t be an ally without practicing allyship. This means finding ways in your life that you can help. That can be protesting, signing petitions, educating family members, donating money, etc. The most important thing to remember about allyship is that it is not one and done. To be an ally you must continually practice allyship–not just go to one protest and call it a day.
Free, Affordable or Accessible Therapy Resources for Black folks:
The Loveland Foundation: provides financial assistance to Black women & girls seeking therapy
Boris Lawerence Henson Foundation: a nonprofit organization founded by Taraji P. Henson, currently offering free therapy Up to five sessions) to BIPOC who have recently experienced trauma
Ethel’s Club: Mental wellness community resource that offers free & subscription mental health services for BIPOC
Black Men Heal: Pro-Bono Quality Therapy for Men of Color by Providers of Color
If you need support, or have questions about self care in tumultuous times, our counselors can help you.
Hope+Wellness is a mental health practice specializing in the treatment of depression, mood, stress, and anxiety in kids, teens, and adults. This is a blog about living well and finding meaning and purpose in the face of difficult challenges. This is a blog about finding hope.
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October 2024
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September 2024
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August 2024
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July 2024
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June 2024
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May 2024
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April 2024
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March 2024
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February 2024
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January 2024
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December 2023
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November 2023
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October 2023
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September 2023
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August 2023
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July 2023
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June 2023
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- Jun 12, 2023 Tending to Plants for Better Mental Health Jun 12, 2023
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May 2023
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- May 25, 2023 Developing Self Compassion While Living with Chronic Illness May 25, 2023
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April 2023
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- Apr 24, 2023 Managing Conflict in Friendships Apr 24, 2023
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March 2023
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February 2023
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January 2023
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- Jan 11, 2023 5 Practices for When You Feel Off and Don't Know Why Jan 11, 2023
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December 2022
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- Dec 23, 2022 4 Ways to Accept a Slower Pace in the Winter Season Dec 23, 2022
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November 2022
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October 2022
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September 2022
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- Sep 20, 2022 3 Ways to Build Interoceptive Awareness Sep 20, 2022
- Sep 14, 2022 Getting Started with Hiking for Mental Health Sep 14, 2022
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August 2022
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July 2022
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June 2022
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May 2022
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- May 17, 2022 Understanding Your Window of Tolerance May 17, 2022
- May 12, 2022 How to Make the Most of Your Time Between Sessions May 12, 2022
- May 2, 2022 5 Ideas for Starting a Self-Development Practice May 2, 2022
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April 2022
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- Apr 18, 2022 6 Things to Do When You Make a Mistake Apr 18, 2022
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March 2022
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February 2022
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January 2022
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- Jan 25, 2022 6 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with Your Partner Jan 25, 2022
- Jan 19, 2022 5 Tips to Start Journaling for the First Time Jan 19, 2022
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December 2021
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- Dec 6, 2021 Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season Dec 6, 2021
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November 2021
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- Nov 22, 2021 How to Motivate Yourself to Do Boring Life Tasks Nov 22, 2021
- Nov 15, 2021 How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship Nov 15, 2021
- Nov 1, 2021 Listening to Your Intuition After Trauma Nov 1, 2021
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October 2021
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- Oct 19, 2021 Who Can Benefit from Inner Child Work? Oct 19, 2021
- Oct 15, 2021 What are Coping Skills and Why Do I Have Them? Oct 15, 2021
- Oct 11, 2021 How to Move Through Grief with Kindness and Self-Compassion Oct 11, 2021
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September 2021
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- Sep 17, 2021 Self Care for Days You Can't Get Out of Bed Sep 17, 2021
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August 2021
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- Aug 23, 2021 3 Tips for More Effective Communication with Your Teen Aug 23, 2021
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- Aug 9, 2021 3 Coping Skills for Managing Depression Aug 9, 2021
- Aug 3, 2021 5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism Aug 3, 2021
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July 2021
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June 2021
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- Jun 14, 2021 How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others Jun 14, 2021
- Jun 7, 2021 How to Unlink Your Self-Worth From Your Job Status Jun 7, 2021
- Jun 1, 2021 4 Myths About Grief Jun 1, 2021
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May 2021
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- May 18, 2021 Setting Boundaries: Why You Should & What to Say May 18, 2021
- May 10, 2021 6 Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion May 10, 2021
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April 2021
- Apr 30, 2021 Exploring Perfectionism and Being Ok With ‘Good Enough’ Apr 30, 2021
- Apr 26, 2021 3 Things Your Inner Child Needs to Hear from You Apr 26, 2021
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March 2021
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- Mar 18, 2021 Managing Cognitive Distortions Mar 18, 2021
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- Mar 1, 2021 8 Common Cognitive Distortions to Watch Out For Mar 1, 2021
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February 2021
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January 2021
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- Jan 7, 2021 Managing Covid Anxiety in the New Year Jan 7, 2021
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August 2020
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- Aug 17, 2020 6 Ways People Have Described What Depression Feels Like Aug 17, 2020
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July 2020
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- Jul 30, 2020 Learning to Reparent Your Inner Child Jul 30, 2020
- Jul 17, 2020 Daily Habits to Help Manage Anxiety in a Healthy Way Jul 17, 2020
- Jul 1, 2020 Racial Justice Resources Jul 1, 2020
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June 2020
- Jun 19, 2020 Processing Non-Death Related Grief Jun 19, 2020
- Jun 5, 2020 How Creativity Helps Mental Health Jun 5, 2020
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May 2020
- May 29, 2020 20 Journal Prompts for Grief + Loss May 29, 2020
- May 22, 2020 4 Ways to Add Mindfulness to Your Daily Routine May 22, 2020
- May 15, 2020 How Grounding Techniques Can Help With Anxiety May 15, 2020
- May 3, 2020 6 Journaling Prompts to Help You Examine Your Relationships May 3, 2020
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April 2020
- Apr 18, 2020 5 Ways to Show Some Self-Compassion Apr 18, 2020
- Apr 5, 2020 Why Conflict In Your Relationship Can Be A Good Thing Apr 5, 2020
- Apr 5, 2020 4 Tips to Help You Cultivate Optimism Apr 5, 2020
- Apr 1, 2020 How to Craft a Joyful Daily Routine Apr 1, 2020
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March 2020
- Mar 6, 2020 Feeling Stuck? Try These 6 Things Mar 6, 2020
- Mar 5, 2020 How to Figure Out What You Want in a Partner Mar 5, 2020
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February 2020
- Feb 23, 2020 How to Cope With Losing Relationships as a Result of Your Chronic Illness Feb 23, 2020
- Feb 7, 2020 Well Rounded Wellness: Exploring the Health Benefits of Spirituality Feb 7, 2020
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January 2020
- Jan 28, 2020 Ways to Cope with Depression After Pregnancy Loss Jan 28, 2020
- Jan 16, 2020 Is Perfectionism Holding You Back? Jan 16, 2020
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December 2019
- Dec 28, 2019 5 Ways Chronic Illness can Affect Your Mental Health Dec 28, 2019
- Dec 20, 2019 How to stop social media from making you feel bad about yourself Dec 20, 2019
- Dec 6, 2019 How to Tap Into and Listen to Your Intuition Dec 6, 2019
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November 2019
- Nov 26, 2019 7 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship Nov 26, 2019
- Nov 15, 2019 What parents of anxious children should know about anxiety Nov 15, 2019
- Nov 9, 2019 5 Signs CBT is Right for You Nov 9, 2019
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October 2019
- Oct 30, 2019 Mindfulness for Stress Relief Oct 30, 2019
- Oct 22, 2019 10 Mindfulness Apps to Improve Your Life Right Now Oct 22, 2019
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September 2019
- Sep 2, 2019 Live with Happiness by Identifying Your Values Sep 2, 2019
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July 2019
- Jul 21, 2019 11 Mindful Quotes for Serenity and Clarity Jul 21, 2019
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June 2019
- Jun 18, 2019 A Blessing for Career and Work Struggles Jun 18, 2019
- Jun 2, 2019 Accepting Yourself Unconditionally, As You Are Jun 2, 2019
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May 2019
- May 26, 2019 5 Things to Know if Your Teen is Dealing with Depression May 26, 2019
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February 2019
- Feb 24, 2019 17 Quotes on Love and Letting Go That'll Help You Move Forward and Heal Again Feb 24, 2019
- Feb 17, 2019 25 Inspiring Quotes That'll Help You Cultivate More Peace, Presence, and Joy in Your Life Feb 17, 2019
- Feb 10, 2019 35 Positive Affirmations for Anxiety and Depression That Will Transform Your Life Feb 10, 2019
- Feb 3, 2019 18 Beautiful Quotes About Intimacy and Love Feb 3, 2019
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January 2019
- Jan 28, 2019 18 Quotes to Inspire Self-Kindness and Self-Compassion Jan 28, 2019
- Jan 20, 2019 4 Tips for Coping with Depression Jan 20, 2019
- Jan 14, 2019 19 Powerful Brene Brown Quotes on Embracing Vulnerability, Love, and Belonging Jan 14, 2019
- Jan 6, 2019 16 Calming Quotes to Relieve Stress and Anxiety Jan 6, 2019
- Jan 3, 2019 7 Ways to Cope When Life is Hard: DBT IMPROVE the moment Jan 3, 2019
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December 2018
- Dec 27, 2018 4 Ways to Train Your Brain for Greater Happiness and Success Dec 27, 2018
- Dec 18, 2018 19 Inspiring Acceptance Quotes on Moving Forward and Letting Go Dec 18, 2018
- Dec 3, 2018 3 Simple Ways to Cultivate Kindness and Self-Compassion Dec 3, 2018
- Dec 2, 2018 29 Life Changing Quotes from Eckhart Tolle to Help You Cultivate Peace and Awaken to Your Life's Purpose Dec 2, 2018
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November 2018
- Nov 22, 2018 12 Quotes to Inspire You to Focus on Yourself Instead of Others Nov 22, 2018
- Nov 20, 2018 15 Beautiful Quotes to Inspire Gratitude Nov 20, 2018
- Nov 18, 2018 3 Ways to Find Meaning and Purpose in Your Life Nov 18, 2018
- Nov 14, 2018 7 Amazing Ways to Practice Gratitude Nov 14, 2018
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October 2018
- Oct 30, 2018 3 Life Changing Poems That You Need to Read Oct 30, 2018
- Oct 28, 2018 5 Things You Need to Know About Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Oct 28, 2018
- Oct 16, 2018 15 Inspirational Mental Health Quotes That Will Help You Feel Less Alone Oct 16, 2018
- Oct 10, 2018 24 Resources for Children and Teens with Anxiety and Their Families Oct 10, 2018
- Oct 5, 2018 3 Tips for Parenting a Child with Chronic Pain Oct 5, 2018
- Oct 4, 2018 12 Quotes That Describe What It's Like to Live with Bipolar Disorder Oct 4, 2018
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September 2018
- Sep 29, 2018 27 Inspirational Quotes That Will Give You Hope and Strength During Hard Times Sep 29, 2018
- Sep 26, 2018 List of Emotions Sep 26, 2018
- Sep 24, 2018 21 Mindfulness Quotes Sep 24, 2018
- Sep 19, 2018 26 Depression Resources for Kids, Teens, and Parents Sep 19, 2018
- Sep 18, 2018 28 Anxiety Resources for Adults Sep 18, 2018
- Sep 16, 2018 15 Quotes That Describe What Depression Feels Like Sep 16, 2018
- Sep 13, 2018 How to Find the Right Psychologist for You Sep 13, 2018
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August 2018
- Aug 8, 2018 3 Ways to Grow from Pain Aug 8, 2018
Whether you're dealing with anxiety, chronic pain, disordered eating, or relationship challenges, IFS offers a compassionate, non-pathologizing path to self-understanding and healing. Internal Family Systems therapy can be an effective way to heal and transform your internal world. Here’s what you should know about it!