Making Friends as an Adult: A Guide for 2025

Are you looking to make new friends in 2025? 

Friendships are one of the most enriching parts of life. They offer us joy, refuge, care, support, connection, and understanding. Life truly would not be the same without friendships. The tricky part is making friends. 

For many women, making friends as an adult feels overwhelming, or maybe even impossible. We’re all dealing with demanding jobs, caregiving responsibilities, and navigating a world that often feels chaotic, so finding the time and energy for developing new friendships or maintaining old ones can feel like another item on an already overflowing to-do list. Important relationships, like friendship, take work, and meaningful relationships are worth the effort. 

If you’re longing for closer friendships or struggling with making friends, you’re not alone. It’s often a vulnerable process, but it is possible to develop connections that feel fulfilling and joyful.

Why we need friendships

As humans, we’re designed to be social and build connections with others. It’s an essential part of our makeup - we require relationships with others for our mental health and well-being. Studies consistently show that having close friends can reduce stress, improve mood, and even contribute to better physical health. 

For women, in particular, friendships often provide a unique form of emotional intimacy and support that may not be found elsewhere. There’s nothing like spending time with someone who just gets it, and where you can simply be yourself. A close friend can be someone to lean on in tough times, celebrate with during successes, or simply share laughter and companionship when the world feels out of control. Our friends often become our chosen families, and our support networks would not be the same without them. 

Despite the importance of friendships, women are often put in positions that make it hard to prioritize them. Emotional labor—the invisible work of managing feelings, mediating conflicts, and tending to others—is frequently expected of women both at work and at home. This can leave little bandwidth for nurturing their own needs, including friendships. Many women also experience guilt for prioritizing their personal lives over professional or family obligations, making the pursuit of new friendships feel like a luxury rather than the necessity that it is. 

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Making friends as an adult isn’t always easy, the way it was when you were a kid. When you were younger, you likely had built-in opportunities to form connections through school, extracurriculars, or community activities. As an adult, those automatic social structures often disappear. If you want to find people, you have to find ways to seek them out, which can be overwhelming. It’s scary to put yourself out there and be vulnerable enough to make a new friendship, even when it’s something you want to do. 

You may feel awkward initiating conversations or fear rejection, especially if you’ve experienced hurt or betrayal in past friendships. Making friends isn’t the whole story, either - once you have friendships, you have to maintain them, and maintaining relationships takes effort. Maintaining friendships as an adult is harder than ever due to busy schedules with work and family, particularly for long distance friendships. 

All of these factors can create a sense of isolation that’s hard to break out of—but it’s not insurmountable. Be kind to yourself and validate that this process feels weird and emotionally activating. Pat yourself on the back for stepping outside of your comfort zone and going after what you want. 

Making friends as an adult may require some creativity, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Here are some ways to approach it with ease and fun:

Explore shared interests

One of the simplest ways to connect with new people is through shared activities or interests. Look for local classes, workshops, or meetups that align with your hobbies or interests. Whether it’s a book club, yoga class, gardening group, or volunteer opportunity, engaging in activities you already enjoy can help you meet like-minded people who already care about the things you care about. Having something in common gives you a great jumping off point to get to know folks better. 

Make technology work for you

Technology is a powerful tool for building connections, and we have options at the push of a button. Apps like Bumble BFF, Meetup, and local community platforms can help you find people with similar interests or in similar life stages. Social media groups, like those on Facebook or Reddit, can also be great places to connect with others who share your passions or live in your area. Online meetups are also a great way to be accessible to folks who can’t make it to in person activities!

Reconnect with old friends

Sometimes the best way to build new connections is to rekindle old ones. Do you have any old friends who you’d like to rebuild your connection with? Sometimes friends drift apart just by nature of growing up and moving down different paths, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be close again. Try reaching out to former friends or acquaintances with whom you’ve lost touch to see where they stand. A simple message or invitation for coffee can reignite a meaningful connection.

Be honest about your goals

If you’re looking for new friends, tell people that! Being honest and authentic will be relatable to people - after all, you’re not the only person looking to make friends as an adult! Talking about what you want isn’t shameful.  Be honest about the kind of connection you’re looking for and open about your interests and values. This vulnerability can help create deeper, more genuine relationships that have a solid foundation of trust. 

Don’t be mean to yourself

If making friends as an adult feels hard, remember that it’s not a reflection of your worth or likability. It’s simply a challenging aspect of modern life that many of us struggle with. Be gentle and kind with yourself and recognize that building meaningful relationships takes time and effort. Even small steps, like joining a group or sending a friendly message, can lead to rewarding connections little by little. 

Work with a mental health professional

If you’re finding it difficult to build or maintain friendships, therapy can be a valuable resource. A therapist can help you identify patterns in your relationships, explore barriers to connection, and develop skills to improve your social interactions so you can build the relationships you deserve. Therapy can also provide a safe space to process feelings of loneliness or rejection and build confidence in forming new relationships.

Once you’ve started to form connections, the next step is nurturing those relationships. Here are some tips for deepening new friendships:

Check in regularly: Set aside time to connect with your friends, whether through a weekly phone call, monthly coffee date, or a shared activity. If you have a hard time remembering things like checking in with friends, add a reminder in your phone or on your to-do list, so you have a prompt every day to reach out to someone. 

Show them you care by listening: Show genuine interest in your new friends’ lives by asking questions and being present during conversations. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, slow down and listen to what they’re saying to understand it. Everyone likes to be listened to, and it can help grow a sense of connection between you. 

Be consistent: Friendships thrive on reliability and trust. Following through on plans and showing up for your friends builds a strong foundation.

Have fun together: Don’t forget that friendships are supposed to be a source of fun! Make an effort to celebrate your friends’ milestones and achievements, no matter how small. These moments of joy can strengthen your bond.

Making friends as an adult is hard, but it can make a real difference in your overall well-being. If you’re looking for more support as you navigate new relationships, working with one of our therapists can help. Reach out to our office today for more information or to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians. 

Thanksgiving Survival Guide

Thanksgiving is nearly here, and with that can come a lot of complicated emotions. 

If you’re feeling anxious about the upcoming holiday season, kicked off by Thanksgiving this week, you’re not alone. To help, we’ve gone through our blog to date and gathered up posts we think will help you get through this season: 

For managing a fraught relationship with your body: 

The holiday season is a tough time for folks who struggle with their body image, disordered eating, or compulsive exercising. So much of the season is focused on food, so if you have a hard time treating your body with kindness and meeting its needs regularly, being surrounded by food and food talk can be triggering. Here are some blogs to help you incorporate some kindness toward your body into the season: 

• Keeping Peace with Your Body During the Holiday Season

• Can I Have a Healthy Relationship with My Body Without Loving it?

For help navigating uncomfortable conversations: 

Family gatherings can be wonderful, but they can also remind us how not everyone we encounter will share our world view or values. When hard subjects come up, it’s up to you whether or not it’s the right time to really dive into things, but when you do, remember to do it with care and intention. These blogs can help you move through hard conversations with compassion and respect–for yourself and who you’re talking to. While some of them explore difficult conversations between romantic partners, the basic ideas can be applied to any relationship. 

• 7 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

• 8 Tips for Hard Conversations in Your Relationship 

• How to Tell Someone They’ve Hurt Your Feelings

• Setting Boundaries: Why You Should & What to Say

• 4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships

For moments of high anxiety or emotional disregulation: 

Big gatherings don’t always go smoothly, and it’s possible that when surrounded by family with complicated relationships to one another, that there may be moments where you feel anxious, tense, or like your emotions aren’t quite in your control. Use these blogs to help you work through those moments with self compassion and intention. 

• 5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

• How to Make a Coping Skills Toolbox

• How Grounding Techniques Can Help with Anxiety

Remember, the holiday season doesn’t last forever, even though it seems endless when you’re dreading it. If you’re struggling with social anxiety this holiday season, working with a therapist can help. Contact our office today to make an appointment!

6 Practical Ways to Cope with Post-Election Anxiety

If you’ve spent this week worried about your future and the future of the people you love, you’re not alone. 

The aftermath of this election probably feels heavy for many, especially when the stakes are as high as they are for women, BIPOC, LGBTQ+ individuals, and other communities that have faced marginalization in the United States. The mixed emotions people feel after election results—fear, anxiety, frustration—are valid.

Many people are deeply concerned about what these results may mean for women’s rights, bodily autonomy, immigrant rights, trans rights, marriage equality, healthcare, and more. By practicing compassionate self-care, building resilience, and finding ways to support our communities, we can help ease this anxiety, protect our well-being, and create hope for the future.

First of all: post-election fear and anxiety is valid

It’s understandable to feel afraid or anxious in the coming days and weeks, as we grapple with the results of this election. If you’re feeling unmoored, you’re not the only one. Many of us are concerned about the future of human rights, the potential rollback of protections for our families, workers, and the environment, and what this means for our loved ones and communities. Fear about state violence, endless war, immigration policies, and the safety of LGBTQ+ individuals—particularly trans folks—is grounded in the lived realities of many. 

When basic rights and freedoms are on the line, it’s natural to feel shaken. It makes sense to feel afraid when things are frightening. 

These concerns can be especially pressing for women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ+ communities, who may have experienced the impact of restrictive policies or harmful rhetoric in the past. If you’re feeling like your mental health is taking a hit from all this uncertainty, know that you’re not alone. While it’s natural to feel uncertain, getting stuck in a state of despair and fear isn’t actually going to help anyone at this moment. GIve yourself time to feel your feelings, but make sure that you don’t stay in grief-mode forever. 

Second: remember that there’s power in community and resilience

While the current landscape can seem bleak, there are things to be hopeful about. One of the most powerful tools we have is our ability to come together, lean on one another, and work toward a future that reflects our values as communities. The concerns we have about what’s coming can bring us closer to our communities, who share those fears. As humans, we are social creatures, and we crave being with others. We often find strength, resilience, and support in others, and building connections with other people can help us feel like there is more good in the world than bad.

One powerful way to address political and social anxiety is through building community. 

It’s natural to feel isolated during difficult times, but we’re often stronger together. Building community is a skill that can help buffer us from the stress and anxiety of an unpredictable future.

Community-building isn’t always easy; it involves learning to navigate conflict, respect differences, and communicate openly. But when we come together to support each other, we create networks of resilience that allow us to withstand challenges more effectively. Everyone has something to offer at this moment, whether it’s a skill, an open ear, or a comforting presence.

Every movement for change was built step by step, and we’re part of that ongoing journey. Staying connected with what matters to us, whether through advocacy, education, or supporting those affected, can give us a sense of purpose and hope.

6 Practical Ways to Cope with Post-Election Anxiety

Your feelings right now are valid, and there are certainly things to be concerned about, which can make taming anxiety difficult. These are a few ways to care for your mental health and take action.

Acknowledge your feelings

Beating yourself up for how you feel isn’t going to be helpful for anyone. Give yourself space to feel anxious, angry, or afraid without the need to “get over it” immediately. Bottling emotions can add to stress, so allow yourself to process in whatever way feels right—whether through journaling, speaking with friends, or engaging in quiet reflection. You’re allowed to have feelings. 

Set boundaries if you need to

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by news cycles and social media, and the algorithms that they run on thrive on intense emotion, like fear. If updates are causing more stress than reassurance, set limits on how often you check them. Staying informed is valuable, but constant exposure can heighten anxiety. 

It’s also important to curate your sources to follow trustworthy, balanced reporting or advocacy-focused accounts that align with your values. In a time of mass misinformation and disinformation, it’s tricky for people to determine what’s true and what’s not. Learning how to spot misinformation, disinformation, and propaganda can help you make sense of what you see on your screen. This type of media literacy is very rare, and it is a valuable skill to both learn and share. 

Join a group or community

It might be helpful for you to narrow your level of focus from the whole country to your local area when things feel overwhelming. Learning who is doing what already in your area can help you determine what kind of community needs there are. There are groups out there doing work on things you care about! Starting with organizations that are already on the ground doing the work can help you feel more connected to the community around you. 

Community doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but it can be cultivated with intentionality. Find people who share your concerns and are also looking for ways to feel empowered in the face of adversity. Remember that community can take many forms—from neighborhood groups to online forums, advocacy organizations, or therapy support groups.

Focus on small actions

It’s easy to feel helpless, but change can begin with small, consistent actions. Consider the causes that matter most to you and think about how you can support those efforts—whether that’s through advocacy, volunteer work, supporting community initiatives, or simply having open and supportive conversations with those around you.

Taking even small actions to support a cause you care about can ease anxiety and foster a sense of control. Every effort counts, and collective action grows through individual contributions.

Here are a few ideas for taking meaningful steps forward:

• Join local or national advocacy groups focused on your concerns.

• Find or form community spaces where people can come together, share stories, and support one another.

• Commit to self-education on issues that impact your community.

• Practice “gentle activism”—actions that allow you to contribute without overwhelming yourself, such as sharing resources or creating safe, welcoming spaces for open dialogue.

Lead with compassion

Remember to show yourself and others in your community compassion right now. Elections can stir up intense emotions. Practicing mindfulness—like deep breathing, meditation, or grounding exercises—can help you feel more calm in anxious moments. 

Self-compassion practices remind us that it’s okay to feel affected by what’s happening, but it’s also okay to give ourselves a break from the weight of it. There is a ton of divisiveness out there right now, as we know all too well. 

How can you bring some kindness into your corner of the world? Let’s lean into this moment with compassion—for ourselves and for each other. We are stronger and more resilient together. 

Get help when you need it 

The world can feel overwhelming, but by balancing mental health care with intentional action, we can find ways to channel that anxiety into resilience. In challenging times, even the smallest steps toward supporting each other and taking action can make a difference.

If you’re finding it difficult to manage your emotions or cope with post-election stress, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to process feelings, develop coping strategies, and reconnect with your strengths, even when the future feels uncertain. 

Are you in need of extra mental health support in the aftermath of the 2024 election? We can help. We work with folks in the McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC regions, as well as offering online services in DC, MD, VA, and all PSYPACT states. If you would like to talk to one of our therapists, please contact us here.

How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Do you feel comfortable asking for help?

If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone. 

As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it. 

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs. 

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative. 

If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support. 

The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel. 

How to know when you need help

Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever. 

So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include: 

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out

• Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition

• Being physically unable to do things for yourself

• Losing interest in things you care about 

• Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you

• Feeling unable to meet your needs 

So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions: 

Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel

It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need. 

Think about what gets in the way of asking for help

When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time. 

Know what you’re asking for

It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into? 

Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation

There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation. 

There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this: 

• Describe the problem or situation

• Express how you feel about it

• Assert your need for help

• Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you

• Mindfully focus on your goal

• Appear confident

• Negotiate if necessary

Approach people you trust and have a relationship with

Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well. 

Don’t beat yourself up for needing help

Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself! 

What to do when you ask for help and are told no

Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help. 

Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help. 

Do you struggle with asking for help from others, even when you really need it? You’re not alone! Working with a therapist can help you feel more comfortable asking for help when you need it. Our therapists have appointments available now - click here to get started.  

Five Tools For Managing Loneliness and Building Connection

It’s normal to feel lonely. 

The problem with loneliness is that it tricks us into thinking we’re the only one who feels that way, that everyone else is happy and connected and supported by their friends, loved ones, and community, and out of shame we end up isolating, only making the loneliness worse. But the truth is most of us feel lonely every now and then. Sometimes it’s short lived, and other times it lingers, making it harder to break out of. 

Instead of withdrawing, here are seven things you can do when you’re lonely.

Ending a relationship  with a friend is difficult for a number of reasons, one of which is the feeling of loneliness that comes from that loss. Just like in a romantic breakup, where you once had the routine of going to that person with news and plans and jokes and stressors, you now have to find somewhere new to turn, and build new routines and relationships without them. Even when that’s the right choice, it can feel very lonely for a while. 

Relationships take time to build, so there is a period after ending a relationship, where you do feel less supported and resourced than when you had someone to fill that role. The grief that comes with that loneliness is common, and nothing to feel shame about. The loneliness is also common–and remember it’s temporary. 

For more support on managing that loneliness, read 4 tips for dealing with a friend breakup 

Strong friendships are some of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships we can have. But if you’re struggling with loneliness, making new friends can seem impossible. It’s hard to be so vulnerable like that as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s natural to enter a new space and find new friends in it–and, because of the way your life is constructed, it’s easier to find yourself surrounded by peers as a child. As an adult, a conscious effort must be made to go out into new places and to connect with new people. And that can be scary! 

It’s okay to admit it’s hard to meet new people you connect with. And when you’re ready, here are some ideas on what to do about it. 

Friendships occupy a very important place in our lives and communities. They are the family we choose, and those relationships can be just as close, supportive, and intimate as romantic or familial relationships. But it doesn’t happen without work. Just as you have to work with a romantic partner to understand and care for one another, the same work is required of intimate friendships. 

While having these intimate friendships only enriches our lives–giving us more opportunities for joy, for connection, for feeling seen and heard, for providing and accessing support, etc–most of what we hear about in regards to relationship work is about romantic relationships. 

You need a variety of support in your life, and learning to tend to your friendships with intention is a wonderful way to provide that for yourself. 

When addressing loneliness it’s also important to look at the larger picture outside of your individual relationships. What does your relationship to your community look like? Do you feel connected to your community, the resources and opportunities and connections it offers? Or do you exist alongside your community, without feeling familiar enough to claim a place in it?

Strong communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. 

The basic function of cultivating a strong community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone. 

Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Why is Making Friends as an Adult so Hard? + What to Do About It

We’ve talked a bit before about what’s being called a loneliness epidemic in America–how people are having trouble right now not only making friends but keeping friends. And loneliness has real impacts on both our mental and our physical health. And according to this, loneliness puts a person at: 

• A 29% increased risk of heart disease 

• a 32% increased risk of stroke

• a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults

• an elevated mortality risk that is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day

Knowing how important having a wealth of relationships is our to our health and happiness, why is it so hard to make friends?

There are a lot of reasons it’s so hard to make friends, especially as an adult. With the COVID pandemic, there was a necessary increase in self isolating habits. With various waves of quarantining and learning to stay distant and masked from others in public, to be more discerning of where you went to be conscientious of health risks to ourselves and others, it’s no wonder we’re all a little lonelier. Especially college students and other young adults who were entering major transitional periods in their lives when the pandemic hit, well known paths to creating relationships were suddenly unsafe or unavailable. 

But the pandemic isn’t the only cause for the lack of friendships in our lives. Other reasons can include things like: 

Financial restraints: 

While the pandemic has brought out a new wave of mutual aid and community resources, when it comes to public spaces most of the time it’s pay to stay. It’s hard to go out and find a place outside of your house where people can just be. And while there may be a thriving arts and culture scene in your city or town, you might not be able to afford to go to the events that exist on a regular enough basis to meet people and befriend them. 

Young adulthood is also a time when people frequently move for work–when you’re freshly graduated or new to a field, you have to go where you can get work! But moving itself is a huge cost, and that means there’s often very little left over to go out and spend in new social spaces. And when you’re new to an area you might not even know where to start when it comes to meeting new people. 

Cultural priorities: 

American culture doesn’t place a lot of value on tending to platonic relationships. Mostly, the value is places on heterosexual romantic relationships and “traditional” family structures (ie. family structures that uphold patriarchal power). Take this example from the American Survey Center:

“Overall, more than half (53 percent) of Americans say that the first person they talk to when they have a personal problem is their spouse or partner. Sixteen percent of the public say they go to a friend first when confronting a personal issue, and 10 percent say they rely on their parents.” 

Friendships become communities of support–communities which go against the American ideal of self sufficiency. Because they present this sort of counter-culture to the American way, we don’t put value onto platonic relationships the way we do with others and we don’t learn how to make, cultivate and sustain intimate them/

The American ethic also prioritizes work above all–so feeling the need to turn down invitations or restrict time with others in order to get work done is so commonplace we don’t even question it. 

Accessibility/Marginalization:

As we’ve said before: discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.

For some people, whether they’re people of color, visibly queer or gender nonconforming, disabled, or marginalized in some other way, venturing into new spaces is dangerous and fraught with all sorts of concerns about whether you’ll be tolerated, welcomed, ignored, or worse. 

So what can you do?

Start small:

You don’t have to snap up every opportunity that comes up in your desire to meet new people and make new friends. That’s a one way ticket to burnout! Instead, go to things you’re really excited about–not things you have to convince yourself to go to. 

Find local groups to follow online–lots of organizations do their promotional work and networking on Instagram, you can find them via local hashtags or check and see who local businesses and friends are following. 

When you do find clubs, groups or organizations you’re interested in, you can follow their accounts to see what types of events they tend to host, how often they show up, etc. so you can decide if it’s a group you want to try out 

A tip: If you follow them for longer than a month or two without going to an event ask yourself if you’re really interested in going or if it’s just taking up space on your feed.

Find something you’re interested in, whether you experience it alone or not. Then you’ll be looking forward to it, whether or not you “meet” your goal of making new friends, and the open, positive attitude will help you connect with people more naturally. 

Starting off with just one new thing (whether it’s a club, somewhere to volunteer, a class to take) will help you manage your energy and balance your own needs as you try something new–which can often required some extra self care and attention to yourself! 

Instead of taking a bunch of classes to increase your chances of meeting a bunch of people and making a bunch of friends, join one class and commit to it. Really try to learn and connect with the people in that class, instead of making a bunch of surface level connections that will peter out as soon as the classes are over. 

Set boundaries:

How much time do you need alone to take care of yourself and recharge? How long does it take for happy scrolling to turn into unhappy scrolling on social media? Set boundaries around how long you spend online and what you look at so it does its job of helping you connect instead of increasing your loneliness. 

Try to be consistent:

If you join a club, show up to as many meetings as you reasonably can. If you sign up to volunteer somewhere, don’t drop in and out unexpectedly. If you enroll in a class, show up for each lesson. When you’re consistently showing up somewhere, consistently interacting with people, you get a chance to know them better and more opportunities to turn acquaintances into friendships 

Ask for help:

It’s okay if you don’t know where to start. Loneliness is hard to combat, and trying to do it on our own is a losing battle. Reach out to friends in other cities. How did they meet people when they moved? What do they like to do when they’re feeling lonely? Even if they don’t have tips that will work for you, they probably can relate to feelings of loneliness. And that connection can help both of you feel less alone. 

A therapist is a good resource too. If you don’t know where to start when it comes to making new friends and managing loneliness, talking to your therapist about what obstacles you’re facing is a great first step. 

A therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

7 Things to Do When You’re Lonely

Do you struggle with feeling lonely?

We all feel lonely from time to time, but studies show that loneliness is an increasingly large problem for mental and physical wellbeing. Since the pandemic, loneliness has increased.

Loneliness and social isolation are often thought to be the same thing, but there’s actually an important difference. As the CDC explains, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” You can become lonely from social isolation, but social isolation is not a requirement for loneliness. 

Why are we lonely?

Everyone has moments where they feel lonely. When loneliness doesn’t pass, it can be very distressing. Part of the reason why loneliness is so prevalent is that, as a culture, we tend to value independence, often at the expense of our health. Humans are meant to live and be supported in communities, as we’re social creatures. When society tells you that success means being able to do everything on your own, it can be hard to let go of that message. 

A study from Harvard shows that “36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.” While we were lonely before the pandemic, the stress and isolation of the early pandemic days and the way it shifted how we live and work had a serious impact on loneliness. It was hard enough before the pandemic to get everything done that you needed to and make time for social connections. Now 3 years later, we’re exhausted mentally and physically from coping, and it might feel even harder to maintain the social connections that keep us from feeling lonely. 

It’s also been shown in studies that marginalized groups, like Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, immigrants, LGBTQ folks, and disabled people, tend to feel loneliness at higher rates than non-marginalized groups. Discrimination, oppression, barriers to healthcare and other services, and stigma are some reasons why marginalized groups are more likely to experience loneliness and social isolation. 

What does loneliness feel like?

You probably already know that loneliness doesn’t feel great. Feeling lonely is a negative emotion, so it can be distressing and painful. Remember, you don’t have to actually be socially isolated to feel lonely. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. 

Often, loneliness isn’t actually about not having people in your life, but not having strong connections to the people in your life. We all like to feel seen and like we matter to other people. When you don’t have a lot of people who you can connect with in a real way, it can feel like no one understands you.

Being lonely has real, measurable effects on health and wellbeing. Loneliness can lead to: 

• Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

• An increased risk for dementia

• Heart disease and stroke

• Thoughts of suicide

• Premature death

• Sleep problems

• Substance use

Loneliness has a serious impact on our lives, but there are things you can do to cope with loneliness and to minimize its effects. 

How can you cope with feeling lonely? Here are 7 suggestions: 

Join things 

One of the best ways to build connections with people is to put yourself out there and join things. This might seem like something you will never do, but it really does make a difference. It’s going to be impossible to build new connections if you don’t try some new things, or you would have made those connections already. Even though it seems intimidating, try joining a club, organization, hobby group, or class. Start small, and go from there as you build confidence in your ability to put yourself out there. 

The key here is to find something that is important to you or that you really connect with. If you really love animals, call your local animal shelter or humane society to see if they need help, or sign up to be a part time pet sitter. If you like to read, check out your local bookstore to see if they have any upcoming events, or a book club you can join. If you’re interested in art, see if there are any art classes or events at local galleries that you can check out. 

Be kind to yourself 

Being lonely is tricky enough, so try not to be hard on yourself for feeling the way you feel. Even though it’s painful, it’s okay to feel what you feel. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion, from others as well as from yourself. 

Social media also has a big impact on loneliness. When you can see an endless stream of pictures of other people having fun together, it can make you feel even more alone. Remember that you’re not seeing the full picture of what’s going on through someone’s social media posts. Don’t compare yourself to others, especially on social media. 

Explore the reasons behind your loneliness

Coping with the feeling of loneliness can be such a big task that it’s easy to forget to explore why loneliness is there in the first place. However, it’s worth looking into the reasons behind your loneliness so you can prevent it in the future.

Do you feel like you don’t have friends or loved ones who understand you? Are you having interpersonal problems? Does social media make you feel left out or less than? Do you worry that everyone is judging you and that is what makes it hard to reach out? When you can pinpoint the reasons behind why you feel lonely, you can make some changes. If no one understands you, it might be time to explore some groups that have similar interests. If you are having interpersonal problems, working with a therapist can help you find new ways to relate to people and how to explore conflict in a healthy way. It will take a lot of introspection and compassion, but exploring what’s behind your loneliness gives you a road map of how to fix it. 

Invest in your current relationships

When you’re lonely, it can be easy to talk yourself out of reaching out to the people in your life. You might feel like they don’t want to hear from you or that they’re too busy for you. Remember that you can’t read minds, though! Your assumption about how they’ll respond might be way off, and the only way to find out is to ask. Reach out to the people you already know to connect and make plans, or even just to share that you’re feeling lonely and thinking of them. 

When your loved ones reach out to you to ask how you’re doing, it’s okay to let them know that you’re feeling lonely. Talking about it can release some of the shame that you may not even realize you were holding onto. It’s also easier to ask for help from someone who already knows what’s going on. You might be surprised to find out that the people in your life are also feeling lonely, as it’s extremely common these days. 

Find something you like to do solo

Spending time by yourself is more enjoyable when you have something you like to do. Explore some new hobbies or activities to see what you like doing on your own. Maybe you really like taking your dog for long walks, or maybe doing a puzzle is more your speed. Try things like: playing an instrument, collaging, painting, drawing, knitting/crocheting, crossword puzzles, reading, thrifting, gardening, cooking or baking, hiking, journaling, bird watching, 

Ask for help

Loneliness doesn’t have to last forever, but it can feel hard to break out of feeling isolated. When you’re struggling with being lonely, it’s okay to reach out for support. Friends and family can probably relate to what you’re going through, and the people that care about you probably want to help. We’re not meant to go through life alone, and it’s okay to ask your community for support. 

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or loved ones, try talking to your primary care physician about what you’re going through. They might even have some resources to point you toward so you can meet new people and strengthen your current connections. A therapist can also be a great resource when coping with loneliness, because you can explore the reasons behind your feelings as well as new ways to cope. 

Go out of your comfort zone

This is such frustrating advice, because no one wants to really go outside their comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable! However, you don’t always have to go too far out of your comfort zone to make new connections. Start with a little baby step out of your comfort zone. 

Instead of keeping to yourself the next time you walk around your neighborhood, try leaving your headphones at home and saying hi to anyone you walk by. Pick one social event a month that you’re going to check out. Google free events in your area or through interest groups that you care about. Many cities and towns have event calendars on their websites so you can find things going on, and you can also find events listed on Eventbrite and Facebook. See if you can pick one new thing to try and see how that feels. 

Coping with feeling lonely can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can help teach you new ways to cope and explore ways to build community and support. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Balancing Self and Community Care

We know that self care is important. 

With so much conversation surrounding burnout in the last few years, we’re maybe more aware than ever how essential self care is! 

Unfortunately, the root of burnout often can’t be addressed on the individual level. By nature, burnout isn’t just feeling tired, it’s a complete depletion of your mental, physical and emotional energy, often as a result of being overworked, underpaid and burdened with responsibilities beyond what you can reasonably manage on your own. This isn’t something that just resting more can fix. While it certainly doesn’t hurt, it’s important to remember that it’s not personal failure when you can’t self-care your way out of burnout. 

So if individual changes can’t fix burnout why bother?

Reading that may have felt disheartening. It can make it feel like it’s pointless to put real effort into taking care of yourself–if there’s a larger system burning you out, why bother putting your energy toward trying to counter it when it’s not your lifestyle causing the problem? 

In one sense, it’s not fair to have to do extra work to counteract the effects of an unruly system. It’s reflective of healthism–turning systemic or collective issues into problems for the individual to solve. It’s a common predicament that doesn’t just apply to mental health. Think back to the controversy following the banning of plastic straws in certain states–while fossil fuels and corporate giants are the ones causing the most damage to the environment, the burden of the “solution” was put onto the individual consumer, when it turns out straws are actually a very small part of the problem. 

Because we live in such an individualistic culture, it can be hard to find the line between “this problem is caused by something bigger than me, so it’s not my problem” and “it’s my job to sacrifice my own well being for the good of my community.” We often think it has to be one or the other, but in reality it’s a blend! Caring for ourselves requires a healthy community, and we can’t have a healthy community when it’s completely neglected due to lack of a sense of collective responsibility. 

How do we find balance between individual responsibility and collective care?

Take the environmental example. Yes, large corporations, billionaires, fossil fuels, and agriculture are the largest contributors to climate change. No, recycling or reducing individual waste won’t tip the scales or undo the damage caused by all those entities larger than you. Does that mean you have no responsibility to your environment or community? But if everyone takes that stance, the damage will only get worse and worse. And the mindset of “it’s someone else’s problem” gets culturally stronger every time we decide not to think of our community when we act. No, it won’t reverse climate change to clear the garbage off of your yard, but it will help make your neighborhood a nice place to walk around and spend time, which can in turn increase your sense of community and belonging, improving your mental health (and probably your physical health–you’ll want to be out and active more if it’s a nice place to be!)

Taking time to identify your values can help you find the balance between caring for yourself and caring for your community. What is important to you? 

For example, maybe body positivity is something that you’re passionate about. While cultivating practices for yourself such as gentle, joyful movement, intimate touch, prioritizing filling and delicious meals, etc. are all wonderful expressions of self care, you can also find ways to cultivate community care for the same thing. Maybe there are local groups you can help coordinate plus size clothing swaps for so plus size members in your community can get fresh additions to their wardrobe without financial burden. Or maybe there’s an organization like Food Not Bombs you can volunteer for to help others achieve food security–a key component for a good relationship with one’s body. 

Caring for your community is caring for yourself. 

None of us can survive on self care alone. It’s just not possible! You didn’t bring yourself into this world, and just about everything since then has required the help of others. No matter how self-sufficient you are, there will be times when you will need the support of others. 

If you’re interested in learning more ways to get clear on your values, and balance self & community care, working with a therapist can help give you the tools you need. Get in touch today to get started. 

Cultivating Strong Community Ties for Better Mental Health

We recently talked about healthism–the belief that pursuit of health is the most important aspect of life; a mindset that equates healthy with good and unhealthy with bad or lazy–and how it can impede our healing. 

If you missed it, healthism, rather than emphasizing a loving self care ethic, uses shame and guilt as motivators and is limited by a narrow, inaccurate view of health. With healthism, things like mental or chronic illness are overlooked, holistic health is not considered, and it often functions as a tool of capitalism–in the sense that the purpose of healthism is often not about helping you tune into your own needs in order to tend to your own wellness, but rather about selling you some new tool to take care of your “health” for you. 

The main way this functions is by making everything the individual’s fault–your health issues are your fault because of the habits you do or don’t have, the food you do or don’t eat, or the wellness tools you do or don’t buy. 

Within healthism there is no recognition of the importance of the collective. 

We can look at that same quote from Healthism and the Medicalization of Everyday Life by Robert Crawford: 

“…healthism situates the problem of health and disease at the level of the individual. Solutions are formulated at that level as well. To the extent that healthism shapes popular beliefs, we will continue to have a non-political, and therefore, ultimately ineffective conception and strategy of health promotion. Further, by elevating health to a super value, a metaphor for all that is good in life, healthism reinforces the privatization of the struggle for generalized well-being.”

Crawford was speaking politically here, but it’s more than politics alone. The removal of the individual from the collective reduces not only political power, but your mental health, sense of belonging and purpose, physical health, access to resources, and more.

In short, community is crucial to healing! 

Why community matters to health:

To put it simply, communities are crucial to health because everyone needs a support system–health is made up of many moving parts, all of which can be tended to by different community relationships and resources. 

Communities offer not just one option, but a garden of options for support; through building relationships with friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, community organizers & artists you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. You create a world full of people who can help you creatively, financially, professionally, spiritually, domestically, medically, etc. The basic function of a community is to make sure you don’t have to face any aspect of life alone.

We live in a culture that doesn’t value community in the same way other cultures do. 

The American dream and the American work ethic demand progress, upward movement, hustle, and making a name for yourself by yourself.  The value is on what an individual can do alone, and how quickly. 

Consider American culture, where it’s common for young adults to move out of their family homes as soon as they are financially able to do so (and sometimes before), as opposed to many Eastern cultures, where it’s common for homes to be multigenerational, living together with three or more generations of family members to the benefit of all. 

That has shifted slightly in the wake of COVID, where many experienced how isolated our capitalistic values system has made us, and many are finding they long to be more active members in their communities, or have stronger community ties. 

What do strong community ties do for our mental health?

One thing strong community ties can do for us is help to decrease feelings of anxiety and depression. 

If you know you don’t have to figure a way through everything on your own, not every obstacle feels so emergent, so high stakes. There's safety in community that can help mitigate feelings of anxiety, and feelings of depression can decrease as you become less isolated. 

Strong community ties also help you to practice healing through relationships. 

Part of the work we do in therapy is the work of healing through a new, safer relationship. We’re able to come up against feelings of fear, anxiety, rage, shame, and more have someone sit with us as we find new ways to cope. Supportive communities give you the chance to write new relationship scripts in similar ways! When you’ve experienced a lack of love or safety in traditional community relationships (like family), building a chosen family through community relationships can help you to heal that wound, and learn new, healthier ways to be in relationships of all kinds. 

Being an active part of a strong community can also help you identify your values. 

It’s hard to figure out what is important to us when we’re living a life of isolation. Finding groups of like-minded people, or people with similar interests can help get your mind turning when it comes to what is important to you and how you would like to live those values through action.

Ways to build your community:

If you’re feeling lonely, it can be hard to know where to start. Here are a few ideas, some very easy, some requiring a little more intention, to start building a community around you:  

• Make time to see local friends regularly

• Introduce yourself to your neighbors

• Go for walks in your neighborhood regularly 

• Introduce yourself to anyone you see regularly who you might not know (your mailman, your barista, the person on the corner you pass every week, etc.) 

• Take a class-local artists often hold classes on their craft, libraries and recreation centers often have free, pay what you can, or affordable classes, and may know other places in the community that offer classes

• Join a club–you can find them on places like Meetup, post on your local subreddit to ask about specific kinds of clubs, or ask friends or people you know if they’re in clubs they enjoy! If you feel awkward about asking people directly, you could do something easy like post on your instagram story and ask locals to DM you with any info they have on clubs–club members are always excited to get new people interested in their events!

• Find a server of local events, subscribe to local papers’ newsletters to stay up to date with local events 

• Go to free community centers like the library; they often have a calendar of free or affordable events, may facilitate classes or book clubs, etc.

• Community gardens are becoming more popular–check for one in or near your neighborhood, see if they’re looking for volunteers or if they have social events to help support the garden

• Go to local independent shops; local bookstores often have book clubs or reading events, local record shops often have cheap local shows, indie movie theaters sometimes have discounted movie + discussion nights. Independent shops are common spots for local clubs to hold events, if there’s somewhere you like to shop, see if they have a calendar of events! 

• Find somewhere to volunteer 

• If you’re religious or spiritual, attend in person services, spiritual events, etc. 

Taking steps to reduce feelings of isolation can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch with our office today to get started with one of our expert clinicians. 

Racial Justice Resources

Over the last few weeks, the Black Lives Matter Movement has become hypervisible on social media. While not a new movement by any means, the exposure we have had to racial injustice in this country over the last month has drawn more attention than ever to the work–both community based and internal–that non-Black Americans have to do. 

As attention on the movement on social media begins to die down, we wanted to share a small directory of racial justice resources. Anti-racism is lifelong work that will often feel uncomfortable. But it’s important to commit to that lifetime of learning, listening, and doing better if we ever want to see real change. 

Here are some resources that can help you navigate this work: 

Books to Read:

• Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad

• How to Be an Anti Racist by Ibram X Kendi

• Are Prisons Obsolete? By Angela Davis

• The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander

• The End to Policing by Alex Vitale

Directories, Resource Documents & Syllabi:

• Dismantling Racism Resources

• Anti-Racism Resources Doc

• Ways to Help Directory

• Justice in June Lesson Plan

• Free Intro to Critical Race Course

• Anti-Racist Resource Guide

Voices to Follow and Learn From: 

• Layla F Saad

• Decolonizing Therapy

• @urdoinggreat (Gem)

• Alishia McCullough

• Monique Melton

• @mpd_150

• @decolonizemyself

• Raquel Willis

• @brandonkgood

• @officialmillennialblack

• @kinsalehues

• Annika Hansteen-Izora

• Victoria Alexander

Things to remember: 

• Lots of intellectual labor has been provided by Black folks for free. If you are using the resources they have taken the time to put together (and have the financial means yourself) look for ways they would like to be compensated. This could be a venmo/paypal link, a link to an organization they are trying to raise money for, etc. 

• Google is your friend! Jumping into this work can be confusing and overwhelming. When you come across something you don’t understand, instead of asking for free labor from BIPOC (Black Indigenous People of Color), take time to do your own research. 

• You are going to mess up. None of us are perfect–and there isn’t an expectation that we have to be. Your character and intentions will be shown through how well you respond to & listen to criticism, rather than through magically never saying the wrong thing. 

• Allyship is an action, not an identity. You can’t be an ally without practicing allyship. This means finding ways in your life that you can help. That can be protesting, signing petitions, educating family members, donating money, etc. The most important thing to remember about allyship is that it is not one and done. To be an ally you must continually practice allyship–not just go to one protest and call it a day. 

Free, Affordable or Accessible Therapy Resources for Black folks: 

• The Loveland Foundation: provides financial assistance to Black women & girls seeking therapy

• Boris Lawerence Henson Foundation: a nonprofit organization founded by Taraji P. Henson, currently offering free therapy Up to five sessions) to BIPOC who have recently experienced trauma 

• Ethel’s Club: Mental wellness community resource that offers free & subscription mental health services for BIPOC

• Black Men Heal: Pro-Bono Quality Therapy for Men of Color by Providers of Color

If you need support, or have questions about self care in tumultuous times,  our counselors can help you.