Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Codependence vs Interdependence in Relationships

Relationships can be tough when there aren’t healthy boundaries in place, even when we have good intentions. We all bring our own histories and experiences to our relationships, and sometimes the different approaches we have to relationships can cause miscommunication or hurt feelings. One common issue that can cause distress in relationships is codependence, which can lead to an imbalanced relationship emotionally.

What is Codependence?

Codependence happens when one partner in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) gets their sense of self-worth from prioritizing the other person’s needs over their own. You can experience codependence in any kind of relationship, but it most often shows up in romantic relationships. You may have a relationship in your past or know of someone in a relationship like this. Instead of each partner being responsible for themselves emotionally, one partner takes on all of the responsibility for their partner instead of focusing on their own needs. 

Codependent folks feel validated when they put another person’s needs before their own. Lots of times the urge to manage the feelings and needs of others comes from experiences you had in childhood. Many codependent folks learned early on that the world is confusing, and one way to make sense of it is to try to control as much as possible. 

Low self worth can also impact codependence, because feeling badly about yourself can lead to placing the responsibility of your happiness on someone else. If you have a hard time being alone with yourself, or you don’t like yourself, it might seem easier to throw all your energy into helping “fix” your partner or take care of their needs than to focus your attention on yourself. However, this often leads to more relationship problems than it solves. 

What’s wrong with codependence?

The problem with codependence is that it’s impossible to manage someone else’s needs fully. Everyone is responsible for their own emotional work, and that’s just not something that can be done by someone else. Trying to control your partner’s emotional experience or manage their needs is a losing game, which will just end up making you feel worse about yourself in the long run. 

The goal in relationships isn’t complete independence though. Interdependence is a more healthy relationship dynamic, because it allows partners to be autonomous but also come together as a team. 

In an interdependent relationship, both partners have a sense of healthy autonomy. Emotional closeness is still there, but each partner is able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. Each partner feels safe to express themselves, and trust that their partner will do the same. Power and responsibility is shared in an equitable way in interdependent relationships, whereas codependent relationships have a major power imbalance. 

Where does codependence come from? 

If you find yourself enacting some codependent behaviors, don’t be too hard on yourself. The ways we relate to others in adult relationships is often influenced by our attachment style and our relationships with our early caregivers.

We all have an attachment style, which develops from the relationships we had as children with our caregivers. If your caregivers were attentive to your needs, reliable, and safe, a secure attachment style can form. This is because you learned early on that you were safe and cared for, which allowed you to explore the world knowing that you would have a safe base to return to. If your caregivers were not as reliable, though, it’s harder to feel that sense of safety and trust. 

We all have fundamental needs as humans. These needs are things like: 

• Knowing that you’re loved

• Knowing you won’t be abandoned

• Knowing that you’re safe

• Feeling seen and heard

• Feeling accepted 

• Knowing you’re good enough

• Knowing that your needs aren’t a burden

Often, these needs are at the root of arguments. It’s painful to feel like your partner doesn’t understand needs that feel so fundamental to you. But remember, no one can read minds. Even if it seems plain to you, it’s impossible for your partner to know what you need or expect if you don’t communicate it to them. When this feeling of frustration comes up, try to remember that underneath this feeling is an attachment need that isn’t being met. It’s easier to find a resolution when you can pinpoint where the actual distress you’re feeling is coming from. 

What can I do to increase interdependence in my relationship? 

If you’re in a codependent relationship, it’s not doomed to end poorly. Just as codependence was learned at some point, it can be unlearned. There are things you can do to help shift from a codependent dynamic to a more interdependent one. 

Take note of moments of codependence 

Codependence can become a pattern in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. We all have patterns we follow, and they can be hard to spot sometimes without self-reflection. Often, the patterns that we enact come from a place of trying to protect ourselves or cope with a tough situation. These patterns don’t always make sense for the way you’re living your life now, since the original situation has passed. It’s possible to unlearn these patterns that are no longer serving our needs though.

When you notice codependent behavior coming up, either with you or your partner, take notice of it. Try not to attach moral weight to it, because that will lead to feelings of shame. Even just noticing when it comes up can give you more insight into what your actual relationship patterns look like, and how you relate to one another.

Get to know yourself better 

To break the cycle of codependence, you’ll need to get comfortable spending time with yourself. This can seem like a nightmare scenario for a lot of people. Lots of us are trying to avoid that very thing for a reason - it’s painful sometimes to work through our baggage to get to a place where we feel comfortable in our own company. However, learning who you are, what your needs are, and what’s important to you is invaluable. When you know who you are on your own, it’s easier to continue to maintain that sense of self in a relationship. 

Some ways to get to know yourself better are journaling, mindfulness work, and tuning into your inner dialogue. Working with a therapist can help you find ways to be more mindful of the present moment and notice those times when you are trying to distract yourself or avoid your own thoughts. 

Develop interests outside of your relationship

To be interdependent in a relationship, you need to develop a sense of who you are outside of your relationships. Know that you’ve gotten to know yourself a little better, you can explore interests of your own outside your relationship simply for your own fulfillment. 

What makes you feel happy, loved, safe? What are some ways to open up your life beyond your relationship? Maybe with a hobby or a cause that is important to you. When you have your own sense of purpose outside of your relationship, it’s easier to resist those codependent urges. 

Be patient with yourself and your partner

Change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s often painful throughout the process. Don’t expect the way you relate to other people, especially romantic partners, to transform instantly. Developing a healthy sense of interdependence takes time. It takes building up trust and esteem for yourself, and proving to yourself that you can meet your own needs. Consistently showing up for your own needs gives you proof that you’re capable and are on the right track. 

In the same vein, be patient with your partner as well. Just like you, they’re learning more about their attachment needs and how to balance a healthy sense of self with a relationship. Maintaining healthy relationships isn’t something that we learn about in school, so real life practice is all we get. It’s going to take time and the more patient and understanding you can be with one another, the less distressing it will be. 

Work with a therapist

Relationships are complicated, and it can be hard to figure out new ways to relate to one another without the help of a professional. You don’t need to be at a breaking point in your relationship to seek help. Therapists are trained to help you pick up on patterns that aren’t working for you anymore and explore more helpful ways to communicate with one another. Working with a therapist can also help you find a balance of interdependence in your relationship. 

It can be hard to break old patterns, especially ones like codependence in relationships. Working with a therapist can help you recognize and change unhelpful patterns. Therapy can help teach you how to break the cycle of codependence and move toward more interdependent relationships in the future. Get in touch with our office today to set up an appointment. 

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

How to Tell if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

As a culture, we tend to romanticize giving our all in romantic relationships. However, there is a fine line between being a devoted partner and being a codependent one. In psychology, the idea of codependency is often associated with substance use, but anyone can be in a codependent relationship. 

What does codependent mean? 

Being codependent is not a mental illness, and you can’t be officially diagnosed as codependent. Rather, codependency is a pattern of behavior, one that often arises from low self-esteem and the need to protect oneself. 

Codependency is also a relational trait - you may have one codependent relationship, but other relationships where you’re not codependent.  You can be predisposed to be codependent, but if you’re codependent in one relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll be that way forever.  It’s not necessarily all or nothing - depending on context your level of codependence may change. 

In fact, some people even refer to codependency as “relationship addiction”, suggesting that codependent people are dependent on these unhealthy relationships for their sense of self-worth. 

Healthy relationships are mutual. Both parties can depend on one another equally and offer each other love and support. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided. One partner gives more love and support than the other, who often gives little or nothing in return. Someone who is in a codependent relationship might feel that they have to do whatever it takes to please their partner, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. 

Is it a problem to be codependent? 

Just because two people rely on each other doesn’t mean that it’s always a problem. Some people are happy with the relationships they have. Every close relationship isn’t a codependent one. The closeness needs to be mutual though, so one partner isn’t doing all the giving and the other isn’t doing all the taking. Healthy relationships aren’t one-sided. 

The problem comes when one partner is taking advantage of the other. This can happen in a number of ways - emotionally, financially, sexually. Codependency is problematic when it leads to a person defining themselves by their partner and trying to control the relationship. 

What are signs of codependence? 

Codependence can be tricky because it’s not always conscious on the part of both partners. You both may have the best of intentions, but sliding into codependence can turn a healthy relationship into an unhealthy one. An example of this is feeling responsible for the other person’s feelings. It might seem like it’s coming from a good place, but it’s really a way to exert control to get their love. If you can control how they feel at all times, you know they’ll always feel loving towards you. However, that takes away from their agency as a person - they’re allowed to have their own feelings, even if they’re not the ones you want them to have. 

Even if neither one of you is aware of how your behavior affects the other, you both may still be contributing to the level of codependence in the relationship. If any of the following feels familiar to you, you may want to learn more about codependency or talk about it with a therapist.

• You’re a people pleaser

• You’ve always felt like you need the approval of others 

• You feel like you have to make excuses for the other person’s behavior

• The other person’s happiness feels more important than yours 

• You feel responsible for the other person’s feelings 

• You have a history of helping that is really enabling

• You feel like you no longer have a sense of identity outside the relationship

• You have a history of being a caretaker

• You have low self worth

• You have a hard time saying no or setting boundaries

• You find it hard to trust yourself and others

• You have a history of avoiding conflict

• You are afraid of being rejected or abandoned

• You feel taken advantage of 

What are some ways I can work toward being less codependent? 

The first step toward becoming less codependent in a relationship is to recognize that the codependence is there. You can’t change anything if you don’t know it exists. Take some time to notice your behavior and your partner’s behavior for a while. Maybe keep track in a journal and note times when you put your needs last. 

Codependence is also associated with low self-worth. Working on increasing your sense of self-worth can go a long way toward making you feel like your needs matter in relationships. When you take care of yourself first, you teach yourself that you’re your first priority. It will take time to undo the lifetime of feeling like you have to put yourself last, but it gets easier with practice. 

If you’re concerned that you’re in a relationship that’s become codependent, working with a therapist can help you find ways to begin prioritizing your own needs again. Get in touch with our office today to start working with one of our therapists.