Naming Your Emotions

Do you know how to name your emotions?

It sounds easy, but it can be harder than we imagine. Often when our feelings are so strong or overwhelming, it’s hard to actually pick out what specific emotions you’re feeling. But learning to name your emotions is important and can help you manage them better so that you don’t find yourself getting as overwhelmed by them. 

Have you heard the phrase name it to tame it? It a phrase psychologist Dan Siegel introduced to summarize a series of studies that all supported the idea that this process of naming our emotions in itself helps us to self soothe. 

Instead of feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed by your emotions, learning to identify them not only kickstarts that self soothing process, but also helps you to unpack where that discomfort is coming from. When you know how you’re feeling, you can start to get into the why.

What happens when we don’t name our emotions?

Do they just go away? Nope! Ignoring our emotions does not make them go away, so there is really no benefit to not naming our emotions. In fact, when we ignore how we’re feeling, the feeling often intensifies, and can manifest in physical symptoms–your body’s way of demanding you pay attention to what you’re feeling. 

Not naming our emotions impacts other areas of our life as well, not just our physical health. It can also impact our relationships! Our feelings impact our behavior–if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll behave differently than when you’re feeling joy, etc. Without communicating what you’re feeling, your behavior can be interpreted incorrectly by friends and loved ones, or closeness in relationships can suffer. Understanding your feelings helps you understand how they impact how you behave with everyone in your life, and also gives you an opportunity to be open with those around about how you’re feeling so they know how to best support you. 

So how can you practice naming your emotions?

Use the Feelings Wheel

The feelings wheel is a great place to start if you’ve never tried identifying your feelings before. The wheel starts with 7 general emotions (bad, fearful, angry, disgusted, sad, happy, surprised) at the center, and as the rings move outward, the terms get more and more specific. So if you only know that you feel angry, you can use that as a jumping off point and go outwards until you find the specific thing you’re feeling. 

Pay attention to your Physical Sensations

Naming your feelings might feel impossible, so instead focus on how those feelings are showing up. What sensations are you feeling in your body? Physical sensations are also linked to our emotions; things like tension in the neck, clenched teeth, headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, shakiness, sweating, etc. can all be expressions of upset or anxious feelings. When you noticed these sensations in your body, stop and think about them. Is there a reason you’d be feeling those sensations (ex. Did you not have caffeine so you have a headache or are you outside in 90º weather so you’re sweating, etc.) or was it triggered by something and could be reflective of a larger emotional response?

Learning to tune into and understand how we’re feeling is hard work, so don’t be hard on yourself if it take you a while to get to a place where you do it naturally. If you’re looking for support in this, our clinicians can help you.  

Racial Justice Resources

Over the last few weeks, the Black Lives Matter Movement has become hypervisible on social media. While not a new movement by any means, the exposure we have had to racial injustice in this country over the last month has drawn more attention than ever to the work–both community based and internal–that non-Black Americans have to do. 

As attention on the movement on social media begins to die down, we wanted to share a small directory of racial justice resources. Anti-racism is lifelong work that will often feel uncomfortable. But it’s important to commit to that lifetime of learning, listening, and doing better if we ever want to see real change. 

Here are some resources that can help you navigate this work: 

Books to Read:

• Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad

• How to Be an Anti Racist by Ibram X Kendi

• Are Prisons Obsolete? By Angela Davis

• The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander

• The End to Policing by Alex Vitale

Directories, Resource Documents & Syllabi:

• Dismantling Racism Resources

• Anti-Racism Resources Doc

• Ways to Help Directory

• Justice in June Lesson Plan

• Free Intro to Critical Race Course

• Anti-Racist Resource Guide

Voices to Follow and Learn From: 

• Layla F Saad

• Decolonizing Therapy

• @urdoinggreat (Gem)

• Alishia McCullough

• Monique Melton

• @mpd_150

• @decolonizemyself

• Raquel Willis

• @brandonkgood

• @officialmillennialblack

• @kinsalehues

• Annika Hansteen-Izora

• Victoria Alexander

Things to remember: 

• Lots of intellectual labor has been provided by Black folks for free. If you are using the resources they have taken the time to put together (and have the financial means yourself) look for ways they would like to be compensated. This could be a venmo/paypal link, a link to an organization they are trying to raise money for, etc. 

• Google is your friend! Jumping into this work can be confusing and overwhelming. When you come across something you don’t understand, instead of asking for free labor from BIPOC (Black Indigenous People of Color), take time to do your own research. 

• You are going to mess up. None of us are perfect–and there isn’t an expectation that we have to be. Your character and intentions will be shown through how well you respond to & listen to criticism, rather than through magically never saying the wrong thing. 

• Allyship is an action, not an identity. You can’t be an ally without practicing allyship. This means finding ways in your life that you can help. That can be protesting, signing petitions, educating family members, donating money, etc. The most important thing to remember about allyship is that it is not one and done. To be an ally you must continually practice allyship–not just go to one protest and call it a day. 

Free, Affordable or Accessible Therapy Resources for Black folks: 

• The Loveland Foundation: provides financial assistance to Black women & girls seeking therapy

• Boris Lawerence Henson Foundation: a nonprofit organization founded by Taraji P. Henson, currently offering free therapy Up to five sessions) to BIPOC who have recently experienced trauma 

• Ethel’s Club: Mental wellness community resource that offers free & subscription mental health services for BIPOC

• Black Men Heal: Pro-Bono Quality Therapy for Men of Color by Providers of Color

If you need support, or have questions about self care in tumultuous times,  our counselors can help you. 

6 Journaling Prompts to Help You Examine Your Relationships

It is a strange and scary time right now. 

With the spread of COVID-19 many of us are worried for our own health, worried for the health of loved ones, and we’re all facing a huge shift in our daily lives. Whether it’s due to increased professional stress (both increased work for essential workers, and loss of work for non-essential folks), health stress, or personal stress from self-quarantining–we’re all facing big life changes now. 

And while it can definitely be frightening and overwhelming, this can also be a time to do some self reflection. Taking care of ourselves is more important now than ever, and that includes our mental and social wellbeing. 

Along with making sure we’re giving ourselves lots of good foods, rest, and following social distancing guidelines, we should make time to check in with the status and health of our various relationships. 

It might seem odd–since social distancing is restricting our capabilities to be social in many ways (though not completely!)–to focus on relationships right now. But the distancing can actually help to provide us with new, useful and interesting insights to our own needs. 

Often we take our social lives and relationships for granted, and this new space and distance between all of us can help to shed some light on what types of relationships bring us comfort, which relationships are reciprocal, which are fulfilling–and which are not. 

That’s why today I’ve put together a list of journaling prompts for you to use to examine your relationships while in self-quarantine. 

Prompt: “I feel most seen + loved when…”

Knowing what makes us feel loved the most is the first step in cultivating relationships that provide those things. When we explore what makes us feel seen, known, and loved, we are giving ourselves permission to acknowledge our own needs. And then, with that acknowledgement, and the knowledge of what makes us feel the most loved, we can then share that information with our loved ones. Even if it feels silly (ex.: “I like it when you text me X times a day”) it’s important to recognize and share what makes you feel loved! Knowing and sharing your favorite ways to be loved gives the people in your life (friends, family, partners) the opportunity to express their love for you in a way that will mean the most to you. 

Prompt: “My relationships provide….”

This is a good prompt to examine the overall health of your relationships. Take a look at the significant relationships in your life (partners, close friends, etc.) What do those relationships provide? Is it support? Love? Advice? Joy? If you can’t figure out what positive things are being provided within your relationships, it may be time to examine whether that relationship has run its course. If a friendship only provides you and the friend a space to come together and gossip or talk negatively about yourselves and others, it may be time to let the friendship go. 

It also helps to examine what it is you actually want your relationships to provide. What are the needs you can meet on your own, and what are the needs you need help from others meeting? Use this as a guiding principle when forming new or evaluating existing relationships.

Prompt: “Conversations with [name] make me feel…”

Think about the most significant relationships in your life currently. Are they providing what you need? Do they make you feel supported? Imagine you just had dinner with them. What are you feeling after that dinner? Refreshed? Happy? Supported? Or are you drained? Frustrated? Tense? Taking time to examine the feelings we get after interacting with the different people in our lives helps us to determine which relationships in our lives are healthy, and which are not. 

Prompt: “I feel drained in relationships that…”

What is it that drains you in a relationship? Think back to a relationship (romantic or platonic) that has left you feeling burned out or drained. What was it about that relationship that made you feel that way? Were boundaries crossed or ignored? Was there constant negative talk? Did you feel like you couldn’t be your true self?

Prompt: “I feel tense when thinking about my relationship with….”

Is there a relationship in your life that needs your attention? Identifying which relationships leave you feeling tense can help you work out exactly what it is that makes you feel tense within those relationships. And knowing what triggers that feeling in your relationships helps inform you what you should be looking out for when forming new relationships–and what to address with those people who do leave you feeling drained. 

Prompt: “I feel relieved & supported when thinking about my relationship with…”

On the flip side of the last prompt, it’s equally important to learn which relationships make us feel our best. It can help teach you which “green flags” to look out for when making new relationships, and which needs to express in other relationships that may need some attention. 

Prompt: “I feel like the best version of myself with…” or “I’m comfortable being vulnerable with…”

What are the conditions within relationships that allow you to feel comfortable being your truest, or best self? What conditions allow you to feel comfortable being vulnerable? Feeling comfortable being vulnerable is a major part of healthy relationships, so figuring out exactly what helps you to feel like that will help you replicate that in other relationships, and will let you know what to look out for (and what to avoid) as you form new relationships. 

You may have noticed that many of these journal prompts, while about relationship reflection, actually took the form of self reflection. That’s because, in order to thrive in relationships, we first need to learn about ourselves. When we know our needs, wants, and deal breakers, we are able to show up 100% in our relationships. And when we are able to show up fully, we are able to make the most of the relationships in our lives. 

If you need some extra support in figuring out how to start your journey of self care and self reflection, we can help. Contact us today! 

therapists in falls church, mclean, tysons corner, merrifield, arlington and vienna, va

Hope+Wellness is a therapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide compassionate care to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!