Parenting with Chronic Pain
Living with chronic pain is challenging–and parenting with chronic pain is a challenge that feels like it comes with little support.
Parenting can already feel like driving somewhere new without a map–when you add in managing chronic pain on top of that, it can be hard to find resources that speak to your experience. There are a lot of limitations that come with experiencing chronic pain that just aren’t factored in with typical parenting advice. This can make parenting–where your whole world is about your child, and you already feel a little removed from your “adult” social circles–feel even more isolating.
The trouble is, when we feel isolated, asking for help becomes harder, when it’s often the very thing we need to do. Working with a therapist can help you manage the potential isolation and grief that comes along with having a chronic illness, and work with you as you gain confidence asking for help and leaning on your support network.
In the meantime, here are 5 tips to help you show up as a parent with chronic pain:
Set expectations with your child:
In order to set reasonable expectations with your child, you need to be openly communicative, and come from a place of compassion. Remember, everything you just know is something they still need to learn, and probably learn more than once! Especially when it comes to your body and its limitations; unless they experience chronic pain themselves, kids tend not to be as bogged down by pain or fatigue as adults, so they don’t have personal experience to draw from when trying to understand. Be clear about what type of pain you have, what you need to do or avoid to manage that pain, and when the pain is preventing you from participating in their play or activities, let them know what’s happening for you
Practice open and vulnerable communication:
If you can practice open and vulnerable communication with your child you can set expectations with them about what your body can handle, and make space for their feelings.
Remember, even if they know what you’re going through, they still may have hurt feelings about it. Let them know it’s okay when they’re feelings are hurt and assure them you’re not upset with them, punishing them, and that you wish you could be there how they wanted to.
Normalize accepting help:
While remembering that your role as parent is naturally going to make this exchange uneven, it can be beneficial for your child to practice offering and having their assistance accepted. Be sure not to slip into the habit of treating them as your caregiver, but if you let your child know what you’re struggling with and they offer some help (getting you a glass of water, finding the pain relievers you need, etc.) instead of saying no or that you can do it yourself, offer gratitude and accept the help! These small exchanges can help reach your child that asking for help can strengthen relationships, not weaken them, and that offering help–even in small ways–can provide support for loved ones.
Tap into your support system:
When you have low energy or high pain days, are their friends or family you can reach out to for support? Plenty of people in your community want an active role in your child’s life, and having secure intergenerational relationships with adults who aren’t their parents is good for kids! On days when you’re struggling, instead of feeling guilty each time you have to tell your kids you can’t play because you’re in too much pain, see if a loved one can take them for part of the day. Let them know you’re going to rest up while they’re gone and hope to feel a bit better so you can hear all about their day–and then an auntie or uncle can take them to a museum or a movie or a park or just spend time with them at their house. Normalizing this within your community of parents is also great, because it strengthens everyone’s confidence in asking for and offering help!
Try to plan ahead for big events:
If your child has their first school play, you want to be there! While flare ups are not always avoidable, there are often some things that can trigger or exacerbate them, and some things that are more effective than others in reducing and managing flare ups. Try to be extra conscious of these things around big events for your child, that way you can minimize the risk of flare ups happening unexpectedly when they want you to show up for them.