We all have regrets. It’s normal to look back on moments from your past and wish you handled them better–it’s something that happens as we grow and learn. But allowing regret to live in your mind all of the time doesn’t help you, and in fact it could be holding you back. 

So how do you acknowledge regret without letting it take over? Why is it important to not let it take over in the first place?

Regret, when dealt with mindfully, is a sign of growth. If you’re looking back on an old situation and seeing new, better ways to handle your role in it, that means you’ve done some personal growth between then and now. You’ve matured, gotten to know yourself a little better, and now you can see that you had other options you didn’t see when you were in the moment. 

That by itself is a good thing!

You can take that growth moving forward, and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation you can be confident that you have the tools to navigate it in a healthier way. It’s when you find yourself fixating on that regret that it starts to be a problem. That fixation prevents you from moving forward. Instead, you stay stuck in that moment you wish you handled “better” often feeling not just regret but shame or guilt too. 

What if we said that when you do that, you’re putting unfair expectations on your past self?

The reason you’re able to look back at old situations and see new options is because you’ve worked hard on yourself in the time between. You’ve experienced more and learned from each experience.  When looking back on moments you regret it’s important to remember that in those moments, you didn’t know what you know now. You made the choice you thought was right or best at the time with the tools you had available to you, you just have more tools available to you now. 

So how can you manage that feeling of regret without letting it take over? Here are 3 tips: 

Practice self compassion: 

You made the choice you made for a reason. None of us do things out of nowhere, we’re all motivated by something. Sometimes it’s logic and sometimes it’s our feelings, even if we don’t realize it. Look back at the moment and accept that you didn’t handle it the way you would now, but ask yourself: why did I feel this was the only way I could handle the situation? What made me overlook or afraid to make a “better” choice? Can I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now?

Investigate the regret:

What is it you’re regretting? When you take time to look back on the moment you feel guilt or shame about, where is that guilt or shame stemming from? Pinpointing that will help you identify your values, and the ways in which you’ve grown in the passing time. It’s important to recognize that growth and celebrate it, as well as use past mistakes as an opportunity to learn. 

Use it as a lesson: 

Noting the ways you’ve grown in the passing time can help you figure out how you would handle it if you found yourself in a similar situation in the future. Asking yourself “how do I wish I behaved in that moment?” will give you the roadmap to what you should do if you face the situation again. It’s not a bad thing to say “I handled this poorly in the past, but now that I see how, I’ll know how to do better in the future.” Remember, we’re all learning as we go. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s good to own up to them–it shows you know more now.  

If you’re looking for more support to change your mindset, our clinicians can help you on the journey to being kinder to yourself.