Self Kindness: Why it Matters & How to Cultivate It
What is self kindness?
How do you treat yourself? How do you talk to and about yourself?
Kindness is a common value, and we can often easily see why others deserve kindness, while simultaneously struggling to give it to ourselves. But without extending that kindness to ourselves, it’s incomplete–and it makes it harder for us to have kindness and patience for others, when over and over again we bully ourselves down.
Refusal of self kindness can be a sort of survival technique–if you have a history of being emotionally neglected or abused, being mean to yourself first may have been your route to survival. Once you’re out of an environment where that protects you, however, it begins to erode rather than strengthen your emotional safety and connection to others.
When do we need to practice it?
Sometimes we make mistakes that we beat ourselves up for to no end. The voice in our head gets louder and louder and just won't stop.
Why did you think that was a good idea? How could you have been so selfish? Why are you always messing up? Why can’t you do anything right? You just make everything worse!
Instead of motivating us to “be better” these thoughts mostly just lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and depression. They’re self reinforcing thoughts, because each time we make a mistake we punish ourselves for it as though it is the worst thing we could ever do–which only makes us more afraid to make a mistake, and more critical of ourselves when we do.
Why does practicing self kindness matter?
No one is perfect, and no one’s job is to be perfect. When you make choices it’s important to know there are no right or wrong choices–there are choices that align with your goals and values and ones that don’t, but you always have an opportunity to make a new choice if one turns out not to match the life you’re trying to build. Self kindness is the first step to being okay with this process.
Learning how to turn to self kindness in moments of distress is a practice, and something that will take time to cultivate. Here are 3 ways to start:
Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, non-judgmentally, and with acceptance. Mindfulness is a powerful way to cultivate kindness and self-compassion because it helps you realize that you’re not your thoughts. Instead, you are the person observing your thoughts. You are the observer. The harsh self-critical thoughts are just that — thoughts — and not necessarily true. Moreover, mindfulness helps increase calm and reduce suffering and stress.
Practice Loving Kindness
As you meditate, send feelings of loving kindness toward yourself and for your loved ones, friends, or others. To do this, in your mind you can try reciting loving and kind wishes to yourself or others in your life. For example, you could say, “May I experience peace today, and greater awareness of the goodness of others.” “May I practice gratitude and take time to slowly enjoy my day.” You can also think of what you would say to a small child or a friend, and say them to yourself. For example, “You’ve been through a lot this past year. It’s okay if you’re feeling down. I’m here for you. I love you.” Practice this for at least one minute each day and slowly you’ll feel more compassion and connectedness.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Know that it’s okay to be human and to be imperfect. Actually, there is no one in this world who is perfect and we are all flawed and in this together. Know that there is a beauty in imperfection and vulnerability and in our humanity that is far greater than any perfection. Vulnerability not only increases our connectedness with others, but it allows us to see others and ourselves with softer, kinder eyes. Not eyes of harshness or judgment, but of love and humanity.
The process of becoming the people we are fully meant to be and toward being kinder and more compassionate and loving to ourselves is a lifelong journey. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. These three tips help provide a beginning point, but it can help to work with a supportive therapist to provide a safe space to work through some of these difficult emotions toward greater health and wholeness.