How to Tell Someone They've Hurt Your Feelings
We know that honesty + communication are the foundation of good relationships–when we’re able to be honest we’re able to be our authentic selves, which only makes our relationships feel safer and more fulfilling.
But we also know that all relationships have conflict in them (yes even if you avoid addressing it it’s still there!) Which means that there will be times when your feelings are hurt, so learning how to communicate that is crucial for any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic or something else. Expressing hurt feelings is scary and vulnerable, so if you struggle with it, you’re not alone. It’s hard and it takes practice to feel comfortable with it, especially if your relationships haven’t been safe places for you to express yourself in the past.
Telling someone you’re upset by something they’ve done takes a lot of courage, so be proud of yourself for it. It can feel like a risk–like they could be mad or upset or maybe even react unpredictably. It’s important to remember that while their feelings matter, you can’t control them and it’s not your job to prevent them from experiencing unpleasant emotions. It’s only your job to be honest about how you’re feeling and stick around to work through it if that brings up unpleasant emotions.
So how can you tell them they’ve hurt your feelings?
First give yourself time to cool off + reflect
When you’re in the heat of it, it’s easy to get caught up in anger or irritation or defensiveness and say something you don’t mean. There may even be a desire to say something mean that will hurt their feelings, just as they hurt yours. When our emotions are heightened like that, we don’t always think clearly! That’s why taking a step back to collect yourself and calm down before addressing the issue can be a good idea. Don’t ignore your hurt feelings, but take some time to sit with them alone. Think about what it was specifically that hurt your feelings and why it did so that you know what you want to talk about when you go back to address the issue. If you’re still feeling angry or upset, you can do something like writing a letter you won’t send just to get those initial feelings out.
Let them know you want to talk
If you’ve given yourself time to cool off and prepare, it’s only fair to offer the same to the person you’re talking to. Just give them a heads up that you want to talk, rather than jumping into a heavy conversation out of nowhere. You can say something simple like, “Hey I've been thinking a lot about X and there are some things I think we need to discuss. Is Y a good time?” This gives them a chance to compose their own thoughts and helps remove the risk of catching them unaware with a surprise serious conversation at the end of a bad day.
Focus on your feelings
While your feelings might have been hurt by their behavior, it’s more productive for the conversation if instead of focusing on where the blame goes, you focus on the result which was your hurt feelings. So instead of concentrating on what they did or said, put the emphasis on what it meant for you. For example, “hearing you say X made me feel insecure/embarrassed/etc.” This removes “blame” from the conversation and focuses it on your feelings, allowing the two of you to come together as a team to problem solve. The two of you can unpack why it was that those feelings came up for you and how to be more sensitive to them in the future.