How to Gently Set Boundaries With Your Family
The holidays can be a fun time of year, but they can also be really stressful. This year more people are spending time with family than last year due to the pandemic, so if you’re feeling extra stressed at seeing family after a long separation you’re not alone. Families can be a great source of love and support, but there are always going to be interpersonal issues when you have a group of people. Complicated family dynamics can be a huge source of stress at the holidays, and setting boundaries with your family may help you navigate.
What are boundaries?
A boundary is something that is used to protect your mental, emotional and physical energy. People are sometimes offended when someone tries to set a boundary with them. That’s because boundaries are commonly misunderstood. Boundaries aren’t punishments or a precursor to a relationship ending. Boundaries simply help people protect their mental, emotional, and physical energy as much as possible.
You can set boundaries around anything that is important to you. Instead of driving people apart, boundaries often help people maintain their relationships with others (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) for the long-term.
Boundaries help maintain long term connections with people. When you don’t have boundaries, you may find it harder to protect your energy and your mental health. Often, people with no boundaries find themselves giving to relationships far more than they get in return. Unbalanced relationships like these are a recipe for resentment, which isn’t good for any sort of relationship. Instead of getting to the point where you resent someone you care about, setting a boundary can help preserve that relationship.
Why boundaries are needed at the holidays
Gathering with family is often more complicated in reality than in theory. Everyone has that relative who asks questions that are way too invasive, or who brings up an uncomfortable topic that changes the mood. After more than a year of isolating ourselves, lots of folks are traveling to see family in person for the first time in many months. While people have certainly missed their loved ones fiercely, it can be even tougher to psych yourself up mentally to deal with family drama after so much time away.
Holidays are also full of food and drink. When people have some drinks, they might have a little less tact than they do fully sober, which can lead to misunderstandings or disagreements. The heightened emotions of getting together with loved ones after so long apart can also raise expectations to an impossible level, which can be intimidating or like you’re set up to fail. If you’re finding yourself worried about how you’ll cope during the holidays with your loved ones, setting some boundaries beforehand may help things go a lot smoother.
Setting boundaries in advance gives your loved ones time to ask questions or adjust to what you’re asking. You can also potentially not have to set them face to face if you do it beforehand, which can be less nerve-wracking, especially if you historically have a hard time getting your family to listen to you. Sometimes typing out what you have to say in a text message or an email feels more doable than talking to someone you love face to face. Whichever way works for you is valid.
It’s also important to note that you don’t have to set a boundary in advance for it to be valid. You can set a boundary at any time and expect it to be respected. However, setting boundaries in advance can help adjust everyone’s expectations accordingly.
If you’re setting boundaries this holiday season, here are 4 ways to gently set boundaries with your family:
Be as clear as possible
Brené Brown, who is a researcher on shame, vulnerability, and resilience, has a popular quote that says “Clear is kind.” When you have something to say to someone, being as clear as possible is the kindest way forward. Even if you have something tricky to say or something that you know they won’t want to hear, being as straightforward as you can may lead to fewer hurt feelings overall.
It can be tempting to hedge, especially when you don’t want to disappoint or hurt the feelings of someone you love. Although it’s tempting, beating around the bush or adding in a “maybe” can lead to misunderstandings down the road. Being direct can help you avoid miscommunication or confusion about your boundaries.
Be firm, but kind
Boundaries are important, and they should be taken seriously. When explaining your boundaries to people, be as kind as possible, but also let them know that your boundaries are firm and you’re not open to negotiating them. For example, let’s say you’re headed home for the holidays and you’re nervous that your family is going to talk about your body or what you’re eating. A boundary you can set is “I know you mean well, but please don’t comment on any changes in my body shape or on what I’m eating when we see each other. Even though you don’t mean it that way, it makes me feel bad about myself.”
Lots of times, boundaries also come with a warning of what will happen if the boundary is crossed. In the example above, you could close by saying “I hope you can respect this boundary, or I will have to leave.”
Enforce the boundary, even if it’s awkward
One of the toughest parts of setting boundaries is enforcing them. It can be so hard to stick with what you said you were going to do when a loved one is upset with you. Not sticking to your boundaries, though, can open up a whole new set of issues. Your family members might try to cross more boundaries to see what they can get away with, or they might not believe you when you try to set more boundaries in the future. Enforcing the boundary not only reinforces it, but it ends the interaction so you don’t have to keep feeling distressed.
Even if it’s awkward to enforce your boundaries, sticking up for yourself can help improve your confidence. Enforcing your boundaries is like keeping a promise to yourself, and repeatedly keeping promises to yourself can be a powerful self-esteem booster.
Be open to other people’s boundaries
Just as you would want people to respect your boundaries, you should also respect theirs. It’s actually very helpful to have people set boundaries with you, so you know how it feels on the other end of the conversation. Boundaries can be a strengthening force in relationships if we let them.