How to Ask for Help When You Need It
Do you feel comfortable asking for help?
If you struggle with asking for help, you’re not alone.
As humans, we’re literally built for community, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ask for help when you need it. In our culture, which is so focused on individualism and the self, it can feel jarring to reach out to others for support and help, even when you need it.
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
As we grow up, it becomes harder and harder to ask for help. Part of this is because as we get older, we become more independent and are more capable of meeting our own needs.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, or lazy, or not good enough, or incapable, or anything negative.
If you grew up with caregivers who found it difficult to ask for help, you might also find it hard to ask for help when you need it. If you’re someone who takes pride in their independence and self-sufficiency, it might be hard to admit to yourself, let alone others, that you need help or support.
The idea that asking for help makes you weak or lazy is a fairly common worry for people, but remind yourself over and over that asking for help is a basic human need. We all do it, and the more you do it, the less strange it will feel.
How to know when you need help
Remember that we all need help from time to time. We are built to live in communities where we help each other, even if that’s not how our society is currently structured. It’s natural to rely on others - no one can do everything on their own, forever.
So, how can you even tell when you need help? It can be hard to even recognize when you’re in over your head if you’re not used to asking for support. Some signs that’ it’s time to call in help include:
Feeling constantly overwhelmed or burnt out
Dealing with something difficult, like grief, stress, a traumatic event, or a mental health condition
Being physically unable to do things for yourself
Losing interest in things you care about
Emotions you don’t understand or that scare you
Feeling unable to meet your needs
So, how can you make it easier to ask for help when you need it? Try these suggestions:
Practice checking in with yourself so you know how you feel
It’s hard to ask for help when you don’t know how you feel or what you need support with. Identifying how you’re feeling is an important first step, because it can clue you in to what you need. It takes practice to learn what certain emotions feel like for you, or the signs that indicate that you could use some assistance, but the more you make it a habit to check in with yourself, the easier it will be to figure out what you need.
Think about what gets in the way of asking for help
When you need help, what is it that makes you feel like you can’t ask for help? Do you tell yourself stories like “I”m not good enough” or “Asking for help makes me lazy” or even “No one would want to help me, anyway”? We all have these knee-jerk reactions, about everything, and trying to untangle the helpful thoughts from the unhelpful ones can make a big difference. Remind yourself that we all need help from time to time.
Know what you’re asking for
It’s hard to offer help to someone who isn’t sure what they’re asking for, so it’s helpful to know what you need help with in the first place. What is the issue you’re having trouble with? Are you asking for one favor, or do you need more long-term support? What are the smallest chunks you can break the need down into?
Use DEAR MAN or other format to plan the conversation
There are many helpful ways to structure important conversations, but the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill “DEAR MAN” can be a useful guide for structuring the conversation. DEAR MAN is an Interpersonal Effectiveness skill in DBT that helps you plan out what you’re going to say in a difficult conversation.
There are different approaches, based on what your main goal is for the discussion, but the basic structure goes like this:
Describe the problem or situation
Express how you feel about it
Assert your need for help
Reinforce what’s in it for the other person to help you
Mindfully focus on your goal
Appear confident
Negotiate if necessary
Approach people you trust and have a relationship with
Asking for help can be trickier when you don’t have a relationship with the person you need help from. As you build up your confidence in asking for help, start by approaching people you already trust and have a good relationship with. Asking for help and getting it can help you feel more comfortable with asking for help in general, and that confidence can help you in moments where you need help from someone you don’t know as well.
Don’t beat yourself up for needing help
Finally, be nice to yourself when you’re asking for help. You’re not stupid, or bad, or wrong, or lazy, or not good enough, or whatever it is that you feel when you ask for help. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support - it’s absolutely human to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. You’re doing a hard thing, and you should be proud of yourself!
What to do when you ask for help and are told no
Everyone has different capacities for helping others, and there might be a time when you ask for help and the person you’re asking says no. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help when you need it! It can be discouraging to work up the nerve to ask someone for something, especially when you don’t usually ask for help.
Remember that someone being unable to offer help doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you, that you aren’t worthy of help, or that you’re a burden. It usually just means that they don’t have the capacity to help you at the moment. It’s okay to ask someone else, even if you’ve already been turned down, because it’s still okay to need help.