One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with someone else is figuring out how to talk to them about serious stuff. Relationships can be complicated for many reasons, but sometimes a barrier between partners is that they don’t know how to effectively communicate with each other. Many of us didn’t grow up with positive models of relationships to look up to, so you may feel like you have no chance to catch up at this point. Luckily, that isn’t true! You can figure out ways to communicate with your partner that work in your relationship, even if healthy communication is completely new to you. 

Communication is an essential part of any relationship. It is intimidating to try to talk about vulnerable things with anyone, especially with someone you have strong feelings for. It might feel odd to try a different communication style with your partner, but keep an open mind, and remember you can always switch it up if it isn’t working for you both. 

Try these tips to communicate more effectively with your partner: 

Learn how you both prefer to communicate

The idea of love languages was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman to explain the differences in how people show love. There are five main love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service) in Dr. Chapman’s model, and the idea behind it is that everyone has a different way they prefer to show and receive love. If you and your partner have a difficult time showing each other love, it might just be that you have different approaches to how you like to be loved. Similarly, you can look at personality tests like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test, or the Enneagram to pick up on some themes in how you relate to other people. If you dig in and do a little research on the ways you communicate and behave differently, you can then focus on how to communicate together. 

Practice listening

Listening sounds like a fairly easy concept, right? However, the way you listen actually matters when talking to your partner. When you’re communicating with someone, it can be easy to get caught up in what you’re going to say next, or to respond to what they’re saying before they’re finished. This is called listening to respond. However, instead of listening to respond, try to listen to understand instead. Put aside any thoughts of how you will respond, or things you want to say, and focus on what your partner is actually saying. 

Don’t Interrupt

One way to shut down a conversation is to jump in and cut off your partner while they’re talking. Instead of listening to understand, interrupting shows that you aren’t interested in what they’re saying and that what you have to say is more important, which is probably not the impression you want to give. 

Stay Present

One way to shut down communication is to hide behind a screen instead of paying attention to your partner. If you’re having a face to face conversation, put your devices to the side and stay present in the discussion. This shows your partner that talking to them is important to you. In addition to screens and other kinds of tech, clear your area of any other distractions. Turn off the TV, take out your headphones, put aside your book, pause the music. 

Talk about positive things too

Make sure you talk to your partner about positive things along with the negative! Make sure to ask your partner about positive things from their day. Keep a list of things you love about your partner, and try to work them into your conversations naturally. Find ways to show you see them and care for them. 

Use “I” Statements

Instead of framing your discussion as something about them, focus on using “I” statements. Don’t start a statement with “You”, start with “I”, and then describe how you feel. For example, instead of saying “You never make time for me anymore,” say “I feel like we aren’t spending as much time together as we used to.” Framing the conversation this way can help your partner feel less defensive and more open to hearing what you actually say, instead of trying to stick up for themselves. 

Think about your body language

When you talk to your partner, what is your posture like? Are your arms crossed? Are you facing each other, or looking away? Do they seem tense in any way? Nonverbal cues, like body language, are a valuable part of communication. You can sense your partner’s mood through the way they are holding themselves. When you want to have an open discussion with your partner, make sure your body language is open. 

If you need some extra support in learning how to communicate with your partner, we can help. Contact us today!

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Hope+Wellness is a psychotherapy practice serving the Falls Church, McLean, Great Falls, Vienna, Arlington, Alexandria, and the greater Washington DC region. We provide individual therapy to children, teens, and adults with stress, anxiety, and depression. Our practice is in-network with BCBS and provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness and acceptance based therapies, and other top, premier evidence-based treatments. Call, email, or schedule an appointment with us online today. We’re happy to help!