4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships
4 Ways to Practice Accountability in Your Relationships
If you’ve seen the show Ted Lasso you may remember a scene where two of the main characters, Rebecca and Keely, are talking about accountability in relationships. If you’re not familiar, the context of the scene is that Rebecca is the boss of Keely’s boyfriend, Jamie, and knows that Jamie has invited a second plus one to a charity event. She kindly warns Keely of this, and encourages her to consider the importance of having a partner who can be accountable for the way they behave and the way they treat you.
Accountability isn’t always the first quality we think of when it comes to good relationships, but it’s actually very important for establishing trust, safety, and intimacy. It’s less obvious than, say, a good sense of humor, but accountability is a crucial piece of the healthy relationship puzzle.
What does it mean to be accountable?
Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.”
Why is accountability important in relationships?
Accountability is important for every type of relationship, including families, friends, and coworkers. It’s especially important in romantic relationships because of the level of trust that emotional intimacy requires.
When you’re close with someone, there’s a level of vulnerability. The people we are close to have the power to bring a lot of love and positivity into our lives, but they also have the power to hurt us more deeply than acquaintances or strangers. If you’re not sure you can trust the other person to be honest with you, admit when they’re wrong, and take steps to repair the relationship when necessary, it’s harder to feel close to them.
Accountability also has an impact on self-esteem. When you know that you can count on yourself to accept responsibility for the things you do and say, it feels good. It doesn’t always feel good to admit you’re wrong or that there’s something you can work on. It does feel good to keep promises to yourself, though, and following through on things that are important to you is one way to do that.
How can I practice accountability in relationships?
We all have things we can work on to improve our relationships both with ourselves and with others. If you’re looking for ways to practice accountability in your relationships, here are 4 things to try:
Be okay with making mistakes
Making mistakes is a part of life. No one in human history has ever done everything 100% “right” - partially because what is right is subjective. We have different values and priorities, and so what is right for one person might not be right for another. We can’t read minds, so it is impossible to know how other people will react or what will be painful for them sometimes. If you’re alive, you’re going to make mistakes, and that’s just the way it is.
Instead of trying to fight against that idea, try to become more comfortable with the idea of making mistakes. It’s okay! Accepting that mistakes are part of life frees up your mind to do other things instead of feeling shame for being human.
Don’t give in to shame
It’s harder to admit you’ve done something wrong when you feel shame about it, because shame is uncomfortable. No one likes to feel ashamed - it’s painful, even though it’s something we all deal with. Shame is distracting though, and it keeps us from doing the real work of being accountable and moving forward.
Some people are so stuck in shame that they can’t admit they’ve done something wrong or hurt someone. While it’s not easy to work through shame, it’s even harder to be consumed by it. Cut yourself some slack.
Prioritize honesty
Accountability requires honesty. To be truly accountable, it’s important to be completely honest and own up to what you did fully, without cleaning up some of the details to make yourself come across better or more sympathetic. No one likes to be lied to. Dishonesty destroys trust, which is very difficult to rebuild.
Remember, it’s okay to be human. You’re not perfect, and no one should expect you to be. Do your best to be honest with the people you care about, even if it brings up feelings of shame. Feelings don’t last forever, and shame won’t either.
Pause before reacting
It takes time to learn how to do this, but learning how to pause before reacting to situations can make a huge difference. When we react, we often are acting without thinking things all the way through, which can make things worse. Taking a minute to pause between what’s going on and how you respond gives you a chance to tap into your rational self instead of just reacting with your emotional self.
When you learn how to lengthen the space between what’s happening and the way you respond, you give yourself a chance to act in a way that aligns with your values and goals instead of working against them.