3 Tips for Working Through Shame
3 Tips for Working Through Shame
You know what feels absolutely terrible?
Shame.
Shame is an emotion that we all feel, but we pretty much all hate to talk about. That’s because shame is designed to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Of course you wouldn’t want to talk about that!
What is shame?
We all feel shame, but what is it? Shame is “a self-conscious emotion arising from the sense that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself.” Shame makes us feel bad about ourselves. It tells us that we are unloveable, unlikeable, and not good enough.
Unlike guilt, which is based on something you did or didn’t do, shame comes from the belief that there is something wrong with you. We aren’t born feeling shame, but we learn it based on our surroundings. Shame can be learned from experiences with others and from the culture we grow up in. Some psychologists believe that we developed shame as an emotion because we’re social animals. Without shame, some people might not follow laws or cultural norms. While sometimes shame is helpful, it can often spiral out of control.
Why does shame feel so uncomfortable?
Shame is what’s known as a negative emotion, which are unhappy or unpleasant emotions such as fear, anger, or sadness. Negative emotions are tough for us to process because they make us feel discomfort, so we do what we can to avoid them. Shame in particular is hard to deal with because it impacts how you feel about yourself. Shame can play on all of your insecurities and fears and leave you feeling worthless.
Shame is a terrible feeling, and the way people try to get rid of that terrible feeling varies. Shame can lead to people working to become perfect, even though perfectionism can be damaging. Some people’s shame leads them to spend less time with others, out of fear of being judged or ridiculed. Others react to shame with anger, violence, or defensiveness. Some people try to avoid the pain of shame by using substances or harming themselves.
You aren’t doomed to be stuck in a shame spiral forever. Here are 3 ways to start working through shame:
Notice it as it comes up
It’s tempting to avoid shame. You might even do it without realizing! Letting it slip by unnoticed lets it grow, though, so it’s helpful to nip it in the bud when you can. It might take some time to feel like you’re prepared to face your shame head on, but when you start to notice that little shame voice in your head, it’s easier to stop it. You can’t do something about it if you don’t know it’s there!
It can be painful to notice all the different ways you feel shame. Some people give that little shame voice a name to make it easier to point out when it’s talking. Using a silly name works great here, because it can take some of the emotional sting out of shame. That way, when you hear that voice of shame in your head, you can just remind yourself, “There goes Shamey Shirley again,” instead of feeling badly about yourself.
It might also be helpful to notice how shame feels in your body to get into the habit of noticing when it pops up. What does it feel like, physically, when you feel shame? Is there a tightness in your stomach? A lump in your throat? Tension in your muscles? When you notice what shame feels like in your body, it can be easier to recognize that it is present.
Talk about it out loud
Shame thrives on secrecy. When we keep our feelings of shame to ourselves, it lets them grow and multiply until they get out of control. It can be excruciatingly vulnerable to talk to someone about the things that you’re ashamed of, but speaking it out loud can take away some of the power it has over you.
Sometimes just saying something out loud is enough to make you realize that it wasn’t that powerful in the first place. Sharing shame with someone you trust can also help you realize that you’re not the only person who feels this way.
Since shame, at its core, is about feeling like there’s something wrong with you, it can feel like you’re admitting there’s something wrong with you when you talk about shame. Remember that just by talking to someone about shame, you’re being incredibly brave. Shame often leads us to avoid other people and to keep things to ourselves because we don’t want to be judged or we worry other people will know that there’s something wrong with us. Going against that instinct to keep shame to yourself is hard to do, but so powerful.
Be compassionate to yourself
Untangling shame is not going to be done overnight. It took a lifetime to learn the things that you feel ashamed about, so it will take patience to undo that. While you’re working on it, be as compassionate to yourself as you possibly can. Shame can make it easy to get carried away with self-loathing, because it plays on all of your deepest insecurities and tells you that you’re a problem. When you notice that happening, interrupt it by being ridiculously kind to yourself.
When you notice those negative shame thoughts coming up, try to interrupt them or reframe them. Are those thoughts actually true, or are they based on negative thought patterns? Try to remind yourself that you’re doing your best. The negative thoughts you have about yourself aren’t all true, and you can look at things from different perspectives when you’re not stuck in shame.